What is the worst kind of parenting
Responsible parenting: what concerns children, concerns humanity!
The way to mature parenthood
The other day I came across an English-language list on Pinterest - with the promising title “66 positive things you should say to your child”.
There were really good points like “I am glad that you exist” “I believe you” “I understand you” and “I am grateful to be your mother”.
What sounded valuable and beautiful at first, really got me thinking.
All of these sentences are important and powerful; no question. But somehow they feel weird.
I asked myself: Does it really matter what we say - or does it really matter how we say it? Where the words find their origin. In a real belief, a way of life - or on the internet; between a guilty conscience, helplessness and the desire to get it right at all costs?
A list of great words alone has the same value as a love letter that we search for on Google and print out.
Sounds wonderful. Makes you happy. Feels good.
But if we're honest we know it's not real. Simply because our heart is not in it.
Because beautiful words alone are like a colorful bouquet of flowers. Pretty - but always ephemeral and unstable without roots.
We can whisper all these wonderful 66 things in our children's ears, hide them on slips of paper in the lunch box and print them on huge posters.
But can borrowed words really reach our children? Do they feel loved, understood or seen just because of these words?
Sure - sometimes I wish it was all so easy! How awesome would be a compact instruction manual - a handbag-sized master plan.
But the truth is: It's not the things we say that matter - it's the things that we do!
The things behind which we are convinced. The experiences that we have gained ourselves. Our hopes, our own view of things.
And I wonder how I can show my children in my daily actions that I am happy to have them around me.
I wonder how I can show my children my trust and understanding, all these really essential things, in a sustainable way in everyday life!
The answer is pretty simple: in order to show feelings, they have to be there in the first place. Do we have to allow them to exist, feel them and sometimes maybe even uncover them first.
Which makes a real difference
We don't see the world as it is - we see it as we are.
Only I can change the way I see other people. How I meet them and what values I live, cultivate and pass on every day.
That means work, that means very personal growth. But if I'm honest, it really seems like the only way to go.
If I cannot accept myself, if I am dissatisfied with myself, if I do not feel that I am good enough, if I suffer from self-doubt - how do I meet the people around me?
How do I behave towards my family, friends, or someone who disagrees; someone who questions me, someone who presses my sore points?
How valuable do I even consider my life to be? And how do I see my own meaning - my ability to change and move things.
Accordingly, to see upbringing separately as “our own discipline” - as something in which we can “become better” viewed in isolation; I think that's impossible.
We're talking about the fact that parents should above all be authentic. And for me that means giving what we have - no matter how fragile and unfinished it may be - instead of just pretending to be.
Many of the tips that we find on parenting just scratch the surface. We can change our vocabulary, pin a before-I-shout contingency plan on the fridge.
But none of that changes the origin, doesn't change the person from whom such reactions just burst out.
And that's why in the end convenient assistance actually takes more from us than it gives us. They are really taking away our opportunity to grow. They save us from looking where it really hurts.
Responsible parenting: get out of your addiction!
Fast food education, so to speak. Looks great at first glance, but doesn't fill you up. In the worst case, the hunger afterwards is even greater. Just like the addiction.
How quickly are big words said - but how much work it means to really mean them.
I would say a real, imperfect relationship is worth more than all the perfect words someone else puts in my mouth!
Why learning doesn't stop after school
And then there are also many wonderful blogs and magazines on the Internet that encourage us to think and reflect. A place where we can learn, exchange experiences and receive impulses.
A tool for parents - with scientific findings that help us to better understand children's actions or with psychological approaches that conduct tangible cause research and reveal human behavioral patterns.
How do you recognize this really nutritious reading material?
I would like to close this post with the inspiring words of a child to Maria Montessori. Because I'm sure these thoughts apply as long as we learn. And with it (hopefully!) A whole life!
Help me do it myself. Show me how it works. Don't do it for me
I can and will do it alone. Have patience to understand my ways.
They may be longer, maybe I need more time because I want to make several attempts. Dare to make mistakes because I can learn from them.
Edit: This article will also appear in print in the spring 2019 issue of the magazine "The Mothering Journey"
Are you looking for inspiration that will make everyday life as a family easier and more beautiful? Then you are exactly right here! On my blog you will find simple ideas on how you can create valuable family time together. Undogmatic, easy & good!
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