Why doesn't it change until you do

You cannot change others

You cannot change others. Some people should say this sentence to themselves in a mantra-like manner, because they always fail precisely because of it: They encounter an obstacle with other people and want to solve the problem by changing others. A big mistake, which unfortunately only leads to greater frustration in the long run, but in no way brings the hoped-for solution closer. What options you have to deal with ...

➠ Content: This is what awaits you

➠ Content: This is what awaits you

You cannot change others: one realization

You have to come to the conclusion that you cannot change other people first. Many other people already have about all of them Cultures and time periods tries to influence other people. Mostly unsuccessful.

In popular wisdom You can not teach old dogs new tricks This phenomenon is reflected in a rather negative view. It's not so much about denying people their basic ability to learn. But certain quirks and idiosyncrasies as well as beliefs solidify in the course of a person's life.

Usually this is tied to the transition from childhood and adolescence to adulthood. According to social science considerations, the youth are far from being there Reaching the age of 18 completed. This has to do with the fact that even after the age of majority, norms and values ​​are adopted and consolidated.

From around 30 years of age this takes mental flexibility from. One reason for this, by the way, that most radicalizations take place in younger years. Middle-aged and elderly people know who they are and what they stand for and are less likely to change their minds.

You can't change people: sayings and quotes

  • You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.Unknown
  • It is noticeable that people who know everything better never do anything better.Unknown
  • The true character of a person does not show itself at the first meeting but at the last.Unknown
  • Everyone is thinking about changing the world, but nobody is thinking about changing themselves.Leo Tolstoy
  • You can't change how other people treat you or what they say about you. All you can change is how you react to it.Mahatma Gandhi
  • I don't regret my past, just the time I sacrificed for wrong people.Unknown

Beliefs are important for your own identity

Values, norms and beliefs shape our character respectively make us out. Be it that someone embodies high ideals and meets others in a warm and helpful manner. Or the other way around, that a person basically only thinks the worst of others and goes through life as a true misanthropist.

If you could easily change other people, you would give them one too Part of their identity take away. In the case of a misanthrope, that would probably not be a huge loss if he changes for the better. But suppose a person loves to dress funky.

she is always very creative when designing her daily outfits, experimenting with colors, materials and combinations. So far this has not been a problem at their workplace - after a change in the executive floor, this person should suddenly submit to a new company dress code, which provides for black, gray or dark blue costumes or suits for everyone.

It is conceivable that said person is in their Design options and their ability to express themselves looks severely restricted.

That is why you cannot change others

Trying to change other people is almost impossible for several reasons:

  • acceptance

    As stated, every person has certain beliefs that he or she considers right and good. The moment another person wants to change that person, they signal: You are not okay the way you are. It is a real head-on attack and a major offense. In individual cases it is completely irrelevant whether it is about the appearance (too fat / too thin / too ugly) or the character (too stupid / clumsy / uncomfortable). The likelihood that someone will be kind to you and your cause is relatively small.

  • pride

    At the same time, the other person can feel as if you believe you are the measure of all things if you want to change others. And it is obvious that such a point of view is perceived as quite presumptuous. The only people who are most likely to be allowed to say something to others are their own parents, siblings, partners and possibly close friends. Exception: If it comes to necessary changes in the work area. Here, the boss is empowered to tell you something and to expect adjustments - whether you think that's great or not.

  • difficulty

    If you find yourself in a similar position, for example as a team leader or trainer in a table tennis club, you are of course entitled to expect changes from others. However, once we get back into the character realm, it becomes difficult. You cannot control how other people think, feel, act. Even if it is self-harming behaviors such as alcohol addiction. It becomes a lot easier if you concentrate on yourself instead - you can change.

Change the environment through your own changes

Perhaps you jumped involuntarily at the last sentence - I change myself? But I'm okay ?! That is at least the typical impulse for many people when they are confronted with this thought for the first time.

The thought or fear behind it is often the fear of loss of identity. Adjustment up to absolute conformity, completely indistinguishable and therefore no longer individual, but interchangeable.

There is a classic misunderstanding here. When it comes to changing yourself, it's not about adapting to the traits of the people you criticize or even dislike. Rather, it's about getting stronger on your own Behaviors to work.

Personality traits are difficult to change. But Habits and behaviors can be influenced. By pulling these out, you can get other people's attention. These are preferably people you get along with. You start to surround yourself with new people.

For example, you may feel annoyed that over time your friends have become so lethargic and do little. You can Formulate reproaches and hopethat someone finally asks you to go to the cinema with him or her. Or you can save yourself the energy after countless unsuccessful attempts and take action on your part. Sign up for a language course, meet new people, do something with them.

Making mistakes is part of it

In order for people to develop, they must be given the opportunity to make mistakes. Making mistakes is that Learning by doing of life. You can tell a person ten times what would be better for them. Still, there are innumerable areas in which someone can find his or her own experiences have to do.

Everything else is hear-say and with it incomprehensible. The person you are trying to change may well underestimate the danger. But personal experience can do two things for this person:

  • She realizes that you were right (at least if she is great enough to recognize it) and can now better understand why something is bad for her.
  • Based on her experience, she assesses the matter differently and sees no need to change anything.

Example based on an exam situation

An exceptionally talented person has cheated their way through school all the way to their Abitur. Thanks to her quick comprehension, it was always enough to take a quick look at the documents one day before the exam and to write a reasonably passable exam the next day.

In the course of studies it works in a similar way at the beginning, but the grades get worse with increasing semesters, the preparation for exams remains lousy. A fellow student observes the behavior and warns. The problem: as long as the moderate learner does not feel any consequences, he will have little incentive to change his behavior, and the friend's warnings will fizzle out.

A reflection process is only likely if an important exam is missed, an exam cannot be repeated and thus the end of the course or the exam grade is so bad that an urgently needed numerus clausus cannot be achieved.

And that also leads to the most important result when making mistakes:

The person concerned must feel under pressure or at least have a strong need to change something.

As long as that is not the case, nothing will change, at least not permanent. Any change that one person makes solely for the sake of another remains half-hearted and is hardly long-term.

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