What causes struggles in a relationship

Too many people are in a relationship that doesn't fully satisfy them. You think you love your partner, but you quarrel regularly, and it's a constant cramp to keep the relationship going. Instead of going separate ways, you keep fighting. You don't want to give up.

That's right, as Dr. Rebekka Kuhn (30), couple counselor at the Association for Couples Counseling and Mediation in the Canton of Zurich, explains in an interview with VIEW: “If you go through a difficult time in a relationship - even if the bad times predominate for a while - you shouldn't start the relationship right away give up." In such situations, you realize that the relationship is not going the way you hoped or desired it to be. The mediator advises then to ask yourself whether you are doing something wrong yourself or what you could do differently together. "Difficult times are a sign that something should be changed."

It's only worth it if both want to continue

A relationship is work. But when it becomes a real struggle to maintain love, then one should ask oneself whether it is really worth it. In a crisis it is important to reflect, says Kuhn. Questions should be asked: What exactly are you fighting for? For a relationship that both partners want? If both want it, then it's worth giving everything again. You have to look carefully and consider your own mistakes. "Analyzing your own share of what you could do better personally is an important point," says Kuhn.

If the other partner no longer wants the relationship, then it is no longer worth investing a lot of energy. You then fight against something that you should actually accept, explains Kuhn.

If you are in a crisis, one point is particularly important: "It's less about talking about it than about listening properly," says the couple counselor. Above all, it is about simply leaving what the other person has said and accepting it. One should not react immediately, but really listen. “Often times the way a couple talks about the problems is not the right one. You talk about it, but the path does not lead to understanding. "

The expert also advises asking yourself how you have mastered other crises. One should ask oneself what helped to get out of other problems. “It is often the case that you have already found yourself in a crisis. With the same or a different partner - what were you doing back then to ensure good times again? " According to Kuhn, the supreme discipline would be: if we manage to recognize the crisis together. If you are together aware that you are in a crisis and have to work on it, that would be the ideal situation.

Disrespect and contempt

Only when there are profound injuries in a relationship should you think about a breakup. "If something keeps coming up that can no longer be repaired," says Kuhn. Or if there is a lot of contempt and disrespect in a relationship, it is a sign that a breakup should be considered. "If you have lost respect for the other, you should ask yourself whether you are in the right place." If you are afraid of your partner or their reaction, you should also consider what is still keeping you in the relationship.

And even if no compromises can be found on certain topics, a common future is difficult. "If one partner never wants children and the other never, then that can be a reason for separation." In such cases, however, separation is usually not easy.

How to continue after a breakup

If one partner decides to break up, but the other would want to keep fighting, then letting go is particularly difficult. Rebekka Kuhn (30) knows how to continue as an injured person.

  • Accepting is a first step. Because the first phase after a breakup usually consists of the exact opposite: non-acceptance. "You don't realize it yet or you just don't want to admit it." This is followed by a period of anger. Strong emotions show up. This is followed by a period of grief in which you realize what you have lost and what you are missing. Only after all this time do you get to a point where you can look ahead and move on with your own life.
  • “Knowing that good things will come back after this emotional time can help and give consolation,” says Kuhn. Even if you sometimes don't want to hear it, for example from friends who say that the grief is over, it still feels good.
  • Talking to others about your feelings is good for you. “Getting help or writing a diary has something healing properties,” says Kuhn. Expressing your thoughts or putting them on paper is valuable advice. This can also be done in the form of a letter to the ex-partner that you never send.
  • In the highly emotional phase one should be careful not to switch off the mind completely. "You should avoid destroying things of your ex-partner or writing hate messages."
Published: 06/18/2020, 4:00 p.m.
Last updated: 09.09.2020, 09:30 a.m.