People who don't like to learn, why not
A fault in upbringing leads to people failing to learn to love themselves
- The first years in life are central to the development of psychological resilience, says doctor Miriam Prieß.
- In order for us to develop self-love, our parents have to show us that everything you do is not good - but the way you are, you are good.
- When parents teach this to their children, they not only learn how to relate to themselves, but also how to have strong relationships. These are the things that help us get through crises.
Accept what is. Don't fight the situation, but make the best of it. Anyone who has learned this has a clear advantage in crisis situations such as the current corona pandemic.
The foundation for this attitude is laid in childhood - and is called self-love.
"The first few years are central to the development of psychological resilience," says doctor Miriam Prieß. For eight years, Prieß held a managerial position in a specialist psychosomatic clinic and was responsible for the treatment focuses on anxiety, depression and burnout. Today, she works as a managerial coach with a focus on stress management and conflicts. In an interview with Business Insider, she explains why the first few years are so formative - and why we need self-love to overcome crises.
In the parental home we learn relationships - with others and with ourselves
We learn relationships through our first relationship experience: the atmosphere in which we grow up. Just as parents relate to themselves, to one another and to the child, so the child learns to relate to himself and the world. "When I come into the world, I need parents who treat me with loving interest from the start," says Prieß. "I need parents who are open to me and who have no clear idea of how I should be, but who empathize with me in order to find out who I am."
It is essential to meet your children at eye level right from the start. According to Prieß, this also means that you shouldn't sit on a throne and praise her for everything. At the same time, it means that they should not be devalued or subject to certain conditions. “In order for us to be open to ourselves, to be able to show compassion towards ourselves and others and to develop self-love, our parents have to show us: You are good as you are. All you do is not good - but you, you are good. "
The extent to which the lack of experience of loving encounters affects adult life was shown by a woman who went to Ms. Prieß's counseling due to burnout. She exhausted herself from a conflict at work because she was unable to represent herself. During the consultation, the woman told of the experience of a mother who always looked over her shoulder while talking to her.
“Not looking, even in direct communication, was a symbolic expression for the fact that the mother not only looked away from the outside, but also never really saw the daughter. The daughter was unable to develop an eye for herself and, as an adult woman, repeatedly overlooked her own limits, needs and necessities. "
Why we need self-love to overcome crises
When we experience in our first few years that our parents are capable of dialogue, treat each other with interest and appreciation, and encourage each other in who we are from the start, we learn to develop a relationship with ourselves. At the same time, we learn how to have strong relationships. These are exactly the things we need to get through crises.
“Resilience, the psychological resistance, is the basis for crisis management. It consists of the ability to have a strong relationship with oneself as well as strong relationships with others, ”says Prieß. Those who are resilient encounter the situation on an equal footing and try to do the best possible in the situation. If you lack resilience, you go into resistance and begin to fight hopeless battles, in which you end up being exhausted.
From when you should seek help
How strong the psychological effects of a crisis are logically depends on our resilience. “Depending on how strong a person's ability to engage in dialogue, they can cope with a crisis. In the best case, it grows from it. In the worst case, anxiety disorders, depression or burnout can develop - for example, because the conditions are being fought against or the challenges posed by the crisis are so great that they cannot be overcome. "
Difficulty concentrating, lack of sleep, a feeling of hopelessness, growing irritability - the warning signals vary from person to person. Do you have the feeling that something is wrong with you? “It is important that you start a dialogue with yourself,” advises Prieß. “The more you are in dialogue with yourself and have a feeling for your balance, the more you can restore it. If you feel that you are unable to do this and if talking to friends and family no longer helps, then you should seek professional help. "
We can learn to dialogue with ourselves
Even if the first few years are formative, we can work on ourselves afterwards. According to Prieß, this includes being aware of what characterizes strong relationships. In addition, you have to become aware of your old experiences and deal with the insults, injuries and false beliefs associated with them.
“If I experienced a loss or betrayal as a child or, for example, the experience that I was only accepted under certain conditions, then that affects me negatively in my relationships. Crisis situations often lead to the fact that I am confronted with the old feelings of powerlessness - and with the associated convictions: 'I can't fight it anyway, I can't do it, I'm not good enough.' can be difficult. "The deeper the injury, the more necessary it is to seek therapeutic support," says Prieß.
According to Prieß, the corona crisis can also be an opportunity to find yourself and what is essential in your own life. “When you lose your business, finding yourself is certainly not your number one priority. Nevertheless, in addition to the economic realities, it is also precisely about - not to give up, but to go further and focus on possibilities. "A crisis is only overcome when you have resolved the causes that led to the crisis - within yourself as in the outside. When you have grown with the situation.
“To recognize the essentials in your life, what is really important and what real values are - including your own. Therein lies the chance in crises. "
This article was published by Business Insider in September 2020. It has now been reviewed and updated.
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