How do you deal with having lovers

When the woman has a lover

He is a fairly unknown being: the male lover. While its female counterpart can already be found in Greek mythology, is shown regularly in books and films (from next week in the cinema: Cameron Diaz in “Die Schadenfreundinnen”) and has a face, a body (Marilyn Monroe, Monica Lewinsky, Hollandes beautiful actress Julie Gayet), the man who enters into a relationship with a bound woman remains amazingly pale.

We know the classic married women who perished from extramarital affairs - Madame Bovary, Effi Briest, Anna Karenina - but what were the names of those guys? And what did this pilot look like, with whom Sylvie Meis ...? And above all: what makes him tick, the beloved? Does he keep checking his cell phone to see if she is calling?

The couple therapist Hans Jellouschek, author of books like “Why did you do this to me? Infidelity as an opportunity ", says:" The male lover is much less present in social perception than the female lover. "

The number of lovers keeps growing. Studies have shown that more than half of all people have cheated on them. Women have now almost caught up with men. The inhibition threshold sinks because the possible consequences of infidelity are no longer a tragedy. A sign of emancipation.

Symbol of a slack relationship: DVD evenings

"Mostly, partners are more susceptible to advances from the outside when something third, be it work or children, draws the energy away from the relationship," says Jellouschek. One becomes alienated, becomes inattentive - and that's where he comes in, the other one: “The beloved is a symptom of the state of the permanent relationship. A liveliness that is no longer there in the permanent relationship migrates into the external relationship, ”the therapist analyzes. A work colleague, someone from your circle of friends or even a casual dating partner searched for via an internet portal. When it comes to a lover: “No DVD evenings!” For Michael *, 42, who was a married woman's lover for nine months, they are the symbol of a slackened relationship.

A partnership in which you live side by side. An affair, on the other hand, means: fireworks. “The meetings always have something of a vacation on a lonely island,” enthuses Lars *, 38, who has had affairs with married women several times. Intimate conversations, attention, compliments, exciting sex - everything that is missing in the long-term relationship is provided by him. "I am only showing my best side, I am the cream pie," he says.

It's not difficult for the second man, as ex-lover Michael explains: “You have to put in less effort and advertise less. You are an attraction just because you represent 'the other'. "

Discussions about bringing up children or the next vacation, however, are eliminated. "There are no annoying background noises," says Michael, "but neither is the joy of buying a couch together."

"Sex with married women is great"

Lars has observed that he is particularly attractive as a lover for women whose love life has fallen asleep after the birth of one or more children. Not surprisingly, studies have shown that fathers have lower testosterone levels than singles. When Daddy mutates into a cuddly toy, Mummy gets the kick somewhere else. And that doesn't necessarily have to mean just sex: love, attention, the feeling of being meant, of being pampered, of being able to let go. "A young mother's time is precious," says Lars, "and you have to treat yourself to something: the sundae or Lars."