Why can't I commit to a relationship?

Fear of commitment: He doesn't want a relationship

After all, we are all connected in our fear of getting lost.

Maria PreussTweet

Fear of commitment: He doesn't want a relationship

What we never wanted to call a relationship lasted four years. We got to know each other during the semester abroad. I came from Germany, he from another country. We knew it couldn't be forever when we return to our home countries. But we didn't want to end it either. So we had everything that the relationship form portfolio offers: long-distance relationship, open relationship, monogamous relationship, friendship, radio silence, everything alternates. After three years at the latest, I was tired of not knowing where I belonged. He fluctuated between: "I want to share my life with you" and "I don't yet know what I want in two years". When he couldn't commit himself even after several conversations, I gave up. Better no relationship than this back and forth.

Also read: Having in-depth conversations - this is how you get really close!

Relationship requires closeness and commitment

The problem was, I could understand him too. I couldn't really blame him, because I actually never wanted to commit myself. If we had called what united us “relationship”, I too would have felt a stressful pressure of expectation. Because if you are in a relationship, you also have to spend Christmas together. Or go to the brother's wedding together. Definitely go on vacation as a couple. And in no case fall in love with other people! I don't believe that one love becomes less just because one also feels feelings towards others. And like to do a lot of things alone, without a partner. Above all, I believe that people have to talk well to one another. This requires a lot of commitment - even if it seems contradictory.

I'm not the only person who hasn't gotten into a long-term relationship in my early 30s.

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In order to enter into a partnership, you need the courage to get involved in something and at the same time. I have a feeling that this is precisely the courage that is lacking. I'm not the only person who hasn't gotten into a long-term relationship in my early 30s. Apparently we all have a certain fear in common. Before just embarking on an emergency solution. We have already tried relationships, invested time and emotions in something that didn't work out after all. We loved, very much. And yet we are alone now. What can guarantee us now that it will work the next time?

If you still act like a couple

Not wanting to be firmly committed to a relationship is often explained in an original way: "We have relationships with many people and we all love in different ways" or "I am in the mood for a relationship, but the feelings have never been enough". Mine is: “I like to be alone.” Hiking alone in Scotland, going to concerts, even celebrating New Year's Eve alone: ​​I find liberating. But at a certain point I also notice that being alone can only be enjoyed in moderation. At some point there is a lack of closeness. Some time ago I met a man with whom I had a lot of good times. I'd stayed with him a couple of times, he'd bring me breakfast in bed, and we'd hold hands when we were out together. After a few meetings, he said that he couldn't imagine a relationship. I continued to meet with him anyway. Because he's a respectful and loving man and I enjoy spending time with him. At some point, however, I no longer knew how to behave towards him. How much should I participate in his life? How honestly could I tell him about myself? Should I convey the image of an uncomplicated, good-humored acquaintance around the clock?

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Looking for the perfect partner

To understand why he didn't want to be committed, I asked myself what it was up to me if I didn't want to get involved in a relationship, even if there were feelings of being in love. Mostly because we didn't share the same vision for the future. I have a rough idea how I would like to live, in a big city for example. If someone then aims at a small town idyll, that will not work out well in the long term. That may be too calculating and too cerebral, but my self-determined lifestyle is important to me.

I think people who don't want to commit to a relationship are afraid of both. You don't want to be alone or compromise too much.

Maria PreussTweet

Maybe we're all too stuck in our ideas. Maybe we've seen too many films in which at the end of the day perfect match shows up. Or too often adjusted our search settings in dating apps. Maybe individuality is too important to us. According to the motto: Only a serious relationship if it doesn't get in the way of my self-realization! But what is the alternative? Give up the dream of big city life because your partner prefers it to be more manageable? Which is more important: loneliness or self-denial?

No compromises for the partnership

I think people who don't want to commit to a relationship are afraid of both. You don't want to be alone or compromise too much. The psychologist Lisa Fischbach believes that this applies above all to children from “pedagogically demanding” families who have learned early on that their needs are sacred. So is the cause of our relationship anxiety that we are all spoiled? Are we so used to being allowed to act out that we have forgotten how to adapt? In any case, I am not unfamiliar with the idea that I could lose myself if I compromise: Who am I if I do not position myself clearly? Who am I without my needs met? Maybe just a part of something bigger, a community, a human race. After all, we are all connected in our fear of getting lost.

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