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Explore your passions
Everyone by nature or predominantly passive or predominantly aggressive... This predisposition is similar to a computer property called "Default", That is, programmed to automatically select a particular option until it is changed by a conscious decision. Let's consider the manifestations of this phenomenon in more detail.
Both passive and aggressive behavior have distinctive features. To gain confidence, one needs to understand the differences between them.
A person who is predisposed to a passive type of behavior tends to suppress their desires and not use freedom of choice. He usually obeys the will of others and does not defend his interests.
Most passive people try to avoid awkward situations, but exposure to aggressive behavior can throw them off balance. In response to the manifestation of aggression, fear of worsening the passive person's position tends to make the behavior even more passive.
It can be difficult to communicate with such a person because others don't understand what they really want. For example, to the question "What are you going to drink, tea or coffee?" Usually he replies, "I don't care." Passive people believe that indolence best suits their desire not to solve problems and avoid disputes. Anything that is not a priority seems too insignificant to them and is not worth the effort in their opinion.
A person predisposed to aggressive behavior is irritable without hesitation to get into conflict when something goes against their plans. Aggressive behavior boosts his energy and assertiveness, but is usually perceived negatively by others. He may achieve his goal, but at a high cost, or he may not achieve anything as others who feel they are being looked down upon usually refuse to cooperate with him.
The difficulty of communicating with an aggressive type of person can be explained by the fact that others do not always understand that his aggression is not directed against them personally, but towards achieving a goal. The dissatisfaction of the "attacker" is too noticeable because his behavior is characterized by incontinence. It seems to him that absolutely everything, even the most insignificant situations, requires his energetic intervention.
One way to become more confident is to change attitudes of behavior that are inherent in nature. You will say that the acquired behavior looks unnatural in the eyes of others because it is not inherent in your nature. But in any case, it stays within the temperament that you have been given by nature - passive or aggressive.
A predisposition for a certain type of behavior can be corrected by strengthening or weakening certain character traits. Such a correction creates assertiveness - solid self-confidence with dignity.
You need very little to do this - to improve your involuntary reactions and tendencies. The newly acquired behavior behaves as follows.
Passivity turns into assertiveness
People who are inclined to be passive will find that it is not necessary to go against their nature. All they need is to be stronger, stop worrying about what others are thinking, and feel free to talk about their wants and needs.
By adjusting the passive behavior slightly, you can be proactive - solving problems, not avoiding them. Trust will give you courage and you will be able to express thoughts you would never have expressed before and even get what you have always dreamed of.
Aggression turns into assertiveness
A person who is more aggressive than passive has to weaken their natural assertiveness. As you correct aggressive behavior, you may find that it will be easier to achieve your goal because your new behavior will be less of a bother to others. At the same time, active actions should not be given up entirely. Assertive behavior tames your impetus without causing displeasure or anger in others.
The general criterion in both cases can be seen as the requirements of others. Passive people should think less about the desires of others and pay more attention to their own desires. Those who are prone to aggressive behavior should think less of themselves and count on the demands of others.
Benefits of assertive behavior
Strong self-confidence is the key to improvement in every area of life and is particularly evident in difficult situations, in communication with intelligent and knowledgeable people. Tempering (if you are aggressive) or reinforcing (if you are passive) will help you without unnecessary problems:
v Getting people to take action or forcing them to change their behavior without it being the result of rejection or hostility;
v giving up without offending others;
v Express your own (possibly unpopular) opinion in a way that is perceived positively, even when people around you have diametrically opposed views.
You can add that trust can help you develop and improve your effective communication with others. You will find that any situation will work for you if:
v Make compliments and send them to your address; They will trust you and others.
v Encouraging people to communicate will greatly increase your enjoyment of the process.
v Expressing your approval of the ideas and actions of others rather than keeping your feelings to yourself. Thanks to this function, you can receive feedback on the interlocutor.
v Admit your shortcomings. This is characteristic of all self-confident people.
Assertiveness creates equality in relationships between people, the flexibility in behavior required to overcome difficulties leads to success.
to draw conclusions
In order to develop assertive behavior, it is first necessary to slightly change one's natural reactions to certain circumstances. Regardless of whether you are passive or aggressive by nature, assertiveness will balance out the extremes of character and help you find a middle ground between them. It will "pacify" aggression and "whip up" indolence.
Assertiveness is not a goal, but a means to achieve it. This is the most effective way to communicate your intentions and take communication to a whole new level.
Check your usual behavior and answer the following questions.
If you are passive by nature:
^ Are you trying to avoid a situation that is likely to become uncomfortable?
^ Would you like to express your opinion more confidently?
If you are naturally aggressive:
^ Do you tend to do everything your own way without considering the interests of others?
^ Would you like to learn how to influence people without hurting their feelings?
For both behaviors:
Would you like to learn how to deny people their requests without apologizing?
^ Do you strive to make your relationships with people more valuable?
If you answered yes to some of the questions, then you need to work specifically on your character.
Everything will work out if ...
Understand that you don't have to go against your nature to become a confident person.
Make a firm decision and correct your natural behavior.
Realize that having strong self-confidence (assertiveness) will help you find the right solution in a difficult situation.
Realize that when you become more confident, you will enjoy life more.
I want to develop such skills and attitudes about things that are necessary for a confident person.
According to the American psychologist Harriet Lerner, aggression is an expression of anger. Even the most meek person cannot claim to be free from it as it is an evolutionary survival mechanism. In appropriate doses, aggression is necessary to take traffic jams, "burning" projects and stubborn partners by storm. However, there are such forms that are difficult to identify, which means that it is not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most sophisticated and destructive. Often times, spouses use passive aggressive behavior to avoid short-term conflict. But in the long run, its consequences can be more damaging to a marriage than an expression of outright aggression.
The word "passive" in Latin translation means "suffering". "Passive aggression hits its source no less than the person it is directed at," says Galina Turetskaya, PhD in Psychology and a practicing relationship trainer. "It becomes a breeding ground for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of rejection, intimophobia (fear of emotional closeness), fear of facing your own and other people's emotions." This creates a defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in a relationship. When a child is scared, it cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, just dressing it in "decent" forms: avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, puts up a sign "has entered into me, I won't be back soon". And if you can still close your eyes to it in social situations (at work, in the company of friends), then such behavior in personal relationships hurts both - and the partner who does not understand anything, and the attacker himself. It is Similar to the uprising of robots: Against the will, an autopilot is activated in the human mind, which only knows one program - to avoid, but not to look guilty.
WISH PLUS FEAR
“You can't rely on my husband: he promises to do something and then he postpones it for a long time, inventing reasons and letting it all go by itself. It's easier to pick up the suit from the dry cleaner yourself, even though he promised on the way.
And for me - an extra hour with an uncomfortable cover on public transport. And so in everything! - says Larisa (32). - When such small things accumulate too much, I explode, I scream. And in vain because he didn't seem to have done such a thing - I myself didn't wait for his help. Ashamed of the hysteria. But I want to make a scandal because time goes by but nothing changes. "
First of all, it's important to understand that anger, powerlessness, and guilt are the most common responses women experience in a relationship with a passive assailant. Remember that you are human too and have a right to emotions. If you suppress anger, you risk becoming a passive attacker just like him. "Don't lead to an explosion: if you are faced with something that doesn't suit you, express your reaction in an honest and open manner immediately - then you can go ahead and do it." State the problem and report it. And then suggest solutions that are best for you, ”advises Galina Turetskaya.
The passive attacker also wants intimacy, but the fear of becoming addicted is stronger than the need for love. Desire plus fear is the formula for inaction. "Neither ignoring each other (scattering in different corners) nor irritation or the manifestation of increased concern will lead to a good result," says the psychologist. - It is important to stay calm and positive, which shows in your demeanor: I am ready for a dialogue, but you have to take a step. An active position is exactly what the partner is so afraid of. "The suit is dry-cleaned? Make it wait in the wings. Try to make an effort and not take the responsibility that has been passed on to you. Don't keep his promises to your partner. Try to be calm about his excuses." , don't try to catch him in a lie - he might actually stay at work, but even if he sat there to the bitter end just not to go to the movies as you agreed, excuses are for him right now the best Over time, having experience of being actively involved in the relationship, your partner may take on more responsibility.
Psychoanalyst and genetic psychologist Dmitry Kalinsky notes that at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this "disease". After all, society commands us to be soft and not controversial. Under pressure from a stereotype of femininity or the fear of losing a relationship, aggression takes on hidden forms.
"We have been with Ivan for several months and I really want this relationship to develop into a marriage," says Marina (27). - But sometimes I have the feeling that he doesn't understand me. When I knew I was working from home, I recently arrived unannounced with flowers and candy. I couldn't explain that I couldn't give it time, that it was inappropriate, and that it distracted me. She took the bouquet over the threshold and advised against any urgent work. For some reason he was offended. "If a man misbehaved, an open war could be declared against him. But he shows care, attention, shows a desire to be around - there is nothing to complain about! Then tools of hidden aggression are used, including tests for real men.
How often do you arrange "lice tests" for your partner at the beginning of a relationship, as if you are deliberately demonstrating your worst - moodiness, irritability, silence, nagging, or nagging. All of these are also forms of passive aggression, but of a different kind. The unconscious signal of this behavior: "Love me like that - and then I will believe that you really love me." But you can't control the limit at which slight female bitchiness turns into aggression. It is good if your character is experienced and patient enough to go through the trial period. And if not, you will soon become two disappointed people who did not understand who is to blame and what it was. In such a situation, the best thing to do is to see a psychologist to understand the reasons and get rid of distrust in a man.
DO YOU TRUST ME?
"I once had a serious conflict at work," recalls Evgenia (29). - The friend called and asked how I am feeling, began to console me, advised something. The more he talked, the angrier I got. I later texted him saying I was feeling bad. I will be left to my parents for some time. When I come back I'll call you back I waited for my beloved to come after me, regretted and hugged me. But he did not do it. A few days later, I dialed his number and heard the estranged "hello". The previous warmth has disappeared somewhere, we have moved away from each other. "
The main effect of passive aggression is a lack of trust in a partner. Every time he wants to show his feelings, slip away and dodge. The beloved "catches the air with his hands." And that is what causes the most intense irritation. If it were possible to speak heart to heart with a passive attacker, it would become clear: he himself is not satisfied with such a development of relationships. Why does he do this? Gestalt therapist Natalya Kundryukova explains: “To avoid even greater suffering. In many cases, this pattern (an unconsciously repetitive behavior pattern) is formed during childhood. Typically, for some reason, the child was unable to make an emotional connection with a significant adult for the first few days and months of his or her life. For example, my mother couldn't pick him up immediately after he was born, couldn't breastfeed, or went to work early. "The child lacked emotional and physical contact, the basic need was not met.Therefore, in adulthood, such a person unconsciously repeats their traumatic experience when trying to establish a close relationship. Along with the desire to get closer, to receive attention and support, he experiences the fear of rejection and shame of experiencing these desires. Instead of taking a step forward, asking for help and getting it, he begins to dodge.
According to Natalia Kundryukova, it is necessary to recognize and live the rejection of early childhood. Unfortunately, without the help of a therapist, it is not possible to do this on your own. For a person suffering from passive aggression, it is important to understand: This type of behavior destroys relationships with loved ones as well as with one's own body. Probably the best way out is to amass resources (determination, hope, and money) and try to work with a psychologist in a face-to-face counseling format. Internal pain and distrust can arise. Or you need to choose a safe distance in your relationship and give up the thought of intimacy.
How to spot a passive attacker
She postpones things until it's too late.
Keeps no promises, "forgets" agreements, avoids emotional closeness.
Denies, turns everything upside down and makes the partner guilty.
Unclear expresses its position, confused traces.
Does not show any attention: does not call, does not write SMS.
Sends contradicting signals: for example, he talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.
4 Strategies for Dealing Effectively with a Passive Aggressor by Signe Whitson, Author of Wicked Smile:
psychology of passive-aggressive behavior in the family and at work ":
1 Recognize the signals of passive-aggressive behavior in advance: procrastination, ignorance, silence, avoidance of discussing the problem, gossip.
2 Do not fall for provocations. The subconscious goal of a passive attacker is to make you angry. When you feel like you're starting to cook, try to calmly put the negative on you, "I'm not going to scream because it will only make the situation worse."
3 Point out the anger he is experiencing to the passive attacker - such people ignore this very emotion. Your opinion should be confirmed by a certain fact: "It seems to me that you are now mad at me for asking you to do this and that."
TEXT: Galina Turova
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone has met it in life (and some regularly throw it at others). However, this phenomenon itself is very, very rarely discussed in our culture.
A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword. Just without a sword. (Joke)
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone has met it in life (and some regularly throw it at others). However, this phenomenon itself is very, very rarely discussed in our culture. Often you will hear something like, "She's in a bad mood" or "He's an energy vampire: it doesn't seem like he's doing anything bad, but after communicating with him, you feel very bad." People don't usually know that no esoteric stuff has anything to do with it, and no vampires are to blame. It's just that the person who is so difficult to deal with is regularly passive-aggressive with you.
Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression that is expressed in a socially acceptable form, while externally the aggressor does not go beyond social norms.
(When I was looking for material for an article, I suddenly realized where exactly a lot of passive-aggressive reactions can be found: in forums where daughters-in-law complain about mother-in-law. And I have a number of examples in the LiveJournal community " Mother-in-law "entered. So examples:
For Christmas my mother-in-law gave me a box with a jar of jam. When I opened the present she said the jam is for all the guests, not just me, and she needs the box back.
During the wedding photo session, the mother-in-law reached out to the photographer with a request to take a family photo - four of us and without me. I was ready to kiss this bald little man when he said, “Sorry, madam, but your family is not just four. The bride must be present on every photo! "
My mother-in-law once gave me a Bible, a necklace with a cross, and a cookbook on how to cook pork chops for my birthday. The card (with Jesus) said that she hoped I would change my mind and she could save me. Did I mention that I am Jewish? I told her every 7 years of our marriage that I was NOT planning to change my religion. Her husband told her to stop worrying about gifts if she could just focus on religion. He added that he loves me and is thinking about converting to Judaism! He's not planning anything like that, but he wanted to stab her in the nose.
Every Christmas my mother-in-law gives me a broken candle holder. When I open the box, we find that the glass is broken. The mother-in-law pretends to be surprised every time and takes the box to bring it to the store and exchange it. I'll get the same gift next year.
The mother-in-law loves to give presents to help the grandchildren quarrel among themselves. Last year she [...] gave the kids $ 35 and said the oldest two should get 12 each and the youngest - 11. All three looked at her like she was crazy, and of course we wouldn't let her.
My ex-husband's family exchanged gifts for Christmas. We were a young couple with two young children and we went out of our way to buy gifts for everyone. In return, they received very strange things and always a gift for the family. For example, a can of M&M candies for everyone. This upset the children as each child received their own gift and ours received a jar of candy for the family. Once every grandchildren received a really good present and our grandson got a book worth 89 cents. This was the last time we were there.
My husband's stepmother came over to us while we were away and stole the potted flowers that were on my porch. Then she said she did it because we hadn't given them anything for their wedding day. I never got those flowers back. By the way, she never gave us anything for our anniversary.
It was even difficult to choose specific examples from the multitude of stories: Judging by the complaints of women, mothers-in-law are extremely resourceful at poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law. They interfere in the affairs of a young family ("I wish you all the best!"), Give gifts on the edge of the offensive (pretending not to mean anything), extort certain actions from their son and daughter-in-law (Gratitude for a cheap piece of jewelry or that you be sure you have ALWAYS vacationed there and as the father-in-law says)…. Well, the classic: breaking into the boys' room at every opportunity, even in the middle of the night ("I have things there, in the closet" or "I just put the covers on them - they sleep like pigeons!"). At the same time, it is noticeable that the daughters-in-law (and also the sons) are not very satisfied with interventions, unsolicited advice and gifts, moralization and barbs. Because people feel that they are being treated aggressively, that they have been forced into an uninvited society, that they have broken into personal boundaries.
Was there any aggression in these cases? No doubt. The daughters-in-law in all the stories quoted were outraged, although they reacted differently (not everyone began to lead to a scandal).
Was the aggression openly expressed? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: such an aggressor never crosses the boundaries of what is socially acceptable. After all, is it customary to give gifts to relatives? Well, the mother-in-law will do it quite socially. Ah, the gift came out unsuccessful - well, not all gifts are successful. But from a pure heart, accompanied by "mother's advice". (Indeed, uninvited - but also socially acceptable; after all, it is quite common for an older woman to give good advice to an inexperienced and younger woman).
That is, due to the fact that social norms have not been grossly violated, it is difficult to fault a passive attacker. But the victim, the victim perfectly understands how she was treated! The victim is not happy and it is not easy to convince them, "Anyway, it's okay." She felt a fairly full-fledged aggression against her: she (or her children) was placed among others, a grown woman treated like a young fool, or, while she was distributing material assets, demonstratively deprived of her status. This is what it is - aggression, expressed only in passive form.
How do you know passive aggression?
Oh, if someone shows passive aggression towards you, you will notice it right away. You may not have known this term before, but you will feel a painful injection. The passive attacker is usually not rude and does not go into open confrontation. He does not raise his voice and does not start scandals himself - but conflict situations often arise around him. For some reason, a lot of people just want to be rude and yell at this innocent person. And even after short-term communication with such, you want to take your soul away - it becomes so uncomfortable and difficult, the mood spoils so much.
Such people often know by themselves that there are many "bad wishes" or just bad, malicious people around them. A passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate self-abuse and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who won't send back).
Passive-aggressive do not ask for anything - they complain and blame; they don't ask - they give you a hint at random (so that you don't find a bug later). They are never responsible for their problems - at least they don't believe in them themselves. Others are certainly to blame, bad fortune, bad education system, "everything in this country is so arranged" etc. (By the way: One of the most effective methods of psychotherapy is to gradually get a person with passive-aggressive behavior to realize how themselves and their actions influence the reactions of others.
In fact, most of the time it turns out that it is not a person surrounded by malicious blunt bastards, but that normal, normal people for some reason are not rejoicing and receiving a dose of passive aggression. But this is usually not easy to achieve, and the "psychological treatment" of people without their direct request is also a form of mild aggression. So please don't try to "transform" someone with the best of intentions, okay?).
Here is a short list of passive aggression:
Do not speak directly about their wants and needs (hint or implicitly expect others to understand them without words). They will never say openly what they like and what they don't - you always have to guess. They say of such people: "You cannot please him";
They don't start a scandal first, although they often provoke it;
In particularly difficult cases, they can even start a "guerrilla war" against someone who is not well wanted - to clap, to plot against an unsuspecting "perpetrator";
They often violate obligations: they promise and then do not fulfill the sabotage, avoid masterfully. The point is that the passive-aggressive was initially against it and didn't want to do what was agreed with him, but he couldn't say "no". So he said yes and just didn't do anything. And he wouldn't right away;
You're often late: this is also a form of passive resistance when you have to go where you didn't want to go;
The promise is often postponed for a long time under various pretexts. They are reluctantly, badly, and performed at the very last moment. Incidentally, these days, fashion deferral can also be a form of passive aggression;
Often unproductive, they use the so-called. "Italian strike" - that is, they seem to be doing it, but there is still no result. This is another way of saying indirectly, “I don't like this, I don't want this!” Without getting into open conflict.
Incidentally, passive-aggressive people often have the reputation of being unreliable people who cannot be relied on - precisely because of the characteristics mentioned above;
They clap, complain about others (behind the eyes), take offense. They are often outraged and dissatisfied that others are misbehaving, the world is unfair, the state is not properly organized, the bosses are stupid, are terribly stressed at work and do not appreciate, etc. They see the source of their problems outside, they do not associate them with their own actions. They accuse others of making inappropriate demands, the injustice of the authorities to them and the fact that their efforts are not appreciated (they especially revere behind their backs for accusing and despising the authorities of any rank);
You are critical and sarcastic. They reach great heights in the ability to "knock down" a person with a poisonous word and to devalue their accomplishments or good intentions. They actively criticize and practically do not praise - as this enables another to "gain power" by learning what the passive-aggressive person likes and dislikes;
They masterfully avoid direct discussions about problems. You "punish" with silence. They persist in not explaining what they are offended, but they make it clear non-verbally that the crime is severe and that it will not be easy to atone for it. They provoke the interlocutor to express dissatisfaction and the first steps of the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it was not triggered by the passive-aggressive, which means that it is not his fault, but the opponent);
In open disputes, the passive-aggressive person becomes personal, remembers the old one, finds out what the adversary is responsible for, tries to shift the blame onto others;
Under the guise of caring, they act as if the other person is disabled, stupid, inferior, etc. (A classic example is when the daughter-in-law cleans the apartment and notices that the mother-in-law is crawling with a rag and wiping the floor that has just been washed. To the young woman's surprised questions, the mother-in-law carefully says, “Oh, child, it doesn't matter it's just that we have a custom The house was clean. ”Of course, after such a manifestation of passive aggression, the daughter-in-law will quietly go into anger, but it is not accepted that she is rude to a polite tone and pretentious“ care ”- well, that means that there will be a scandal in the young family that evening.
Where does it come from? The origins of passive aggression
Like almost all personality traits, passive aggression comes from childhood. When a person grew up in a family where one of the parents (or both) was unpredictable and dominant, they find it difficult to express their demands, wishes, and outrages. This creates a latent sense of danger, a strong fear.
When a child is punished for showing anger or assertiveness, he or she learns to achieve his goals in a roundabout way and to show disagreement and anger not outwardly but in a passive way.
For example, in one of the forums, when discussing passive-aggressive behavior, a participant said: “Oh, everything was like this in my family! It was dangerous for us to be outraged and not only ask for something, but also to ask - mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, punish me ... I remember not asking my parents to to get a tape recorder for the new year, but rather have built complex plans: as if to guess them through hints, dullness ... ". Indeed, such a child grows up in conditions where open resistance is impossible (due to economic, physical dependence on parents) and is usually a master of "guerrilla warfare" skills.
Passive-aggressive people are sure that the world is a dangerous place, that it is more valuable for them to open up in it and to trust people.And when others find out what exactly scares you, makes you angry, or makes you particularly desirable, they too will take control of you. Control games are another aspect of passive aggression. Asking or demanding something from another means replacing yourself and showing your weakness and dependence. This means that people can play with what they want (and the world is hostile on the lines of passive-aggressive, and it is deadly to fight against it). Openly wanting something or giving up something directly means giving control of your life into the wrong hands. Passive-aggressive desires do not express their desires directly, but answer other people's requests with “yes”. After that, they darken, get angry within themselves and don't, apologizing for forgetfulness and the fact that they "didn't have time".
By the way, I notice that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: it is girls who are more often suppressed in manifestations of stubbornness, energy and anger. As a result, many women grow up confident that if they are "correct, really feminine" (tender, always sweet, not aggressive), they are sure to "come and bring it all". And if it doesn't, then you are doing something wrong, such as asking an outrageous amount; a loving man must guess himself and please his beloved wife; and their job is to gradually lead him to the right idea. It doesn't work to put your wishes in someone else's head, which means - suffer like a partisan in silence and let your loved one listen: "Guess yourself", "Well, is it really incomprehensible", " if you loved me, you would know ”and“ do it yourself ”. Yes, this is also a covert power struggle and control game. If you openly say:“ Do this and that, I want it ”, then you can hearing a direct rejection ("Not now, I have no time"), and even when you have received what you want, make sure that it has brought no luck. And what does it mean who asked - it is his own fault ? No, it is better to suggest getting (or not getting) what you want, and if there is no satisfaction then the whole fault lies with the one who reads the mind wrong.
Numerous courses "How to become a female woman" provoke and often support the development of a passive-aggressive personality in their listeners. Courses typically called "Becoming Desirable at the Weekend" teach: There is no way that a woman can take the initiative - you need to be gentle, helpless, seductive, and everything in your life will work out for itself. If a strong and active man sees that a female woman is being tormented and is unable to get something necessary, then he will definitely understand everything and do everything for yourself, get it and give it! And to do something yourself: to demand, to achieve, to reject unnecessarily, to ask yourself and to take care of yourself - is definitely impossible. Well that is unfeminine! So either suffer that you did not bring with you, or twist the hands of those around you: Type, gradually bring to your idea, "create conditions". Generally passive aggression as it is.
What if you run into a passive aggressive guy along the way?
First, it is important to know that a passive-aggressive person provokes others, but does not create conflict himself. Don't succumb to provocation - your "explosion of emotions" will not help clear the relationship, it will only give you the reputation of a thug in the eyes of others. Take your soul elsewhere, complain to friends and family, but do not give such a gift to a passive-aggressive person, do not show yourself "bad" and "scandalous". Do not trust the passive-aggressive handling of your secrets and information that could harm you if disclosed.
State what is happening and how you are feeling. Don't blame the other person, just say, "When this and that happens, I usually get angry." For example, "If you leave the entire department for lunch and forget to call me, I'll be sad." No need to blame ("you on purpose!"), No need to generalize ("you always!"). Tell us about your feelings, how sad and bad you have become. The passive-aggressive person himself is afraid of being held responsible for the problems of others and it is better for those around him to know that this is not "nothing happened" for you, but something disturbing.
Don't expect such a person to understand you and be reeducated (even if you retell him this article). This will most likely not happen on its own. Passive-aggressive individuals usually do not come to psychotherapy because something is wrong with them: they usually complain about bad others (who are undoubtedly responsible for everything) or other psychological problems (for example, depression). or they are forced to appear in the vicinity where coexistence is unbearable. published
Understanding the personality traits of manipulators is the first step to being effective
interact with them. To understand what these people are up to
in fact, we need to put them in an appropriate context. In this chapter I want to put
a foundation of personality and character ideas so you can tell the difference between the two
manipulators and other personality types and learn to recognize a wolf for sure
sheep's clothing when you meet him.
Personality with personality disorders
The role of fear in someone's problems
character disorders (IRI), insignificant. On the contrary, there are no IRCs
anxiety and vigilance related to their disordered behavior
In those with severe personality disorders, the voice of conscience can be used
be completely absent. Most IRCs have a clearly underdeveloped conscience.
The IRC's ability to experience genuine feelings of guilt or shame is diminished.
What looks like a defense mechanism from the outside is highly likely
a powerful tactic that allows you to manipulate others and not give in
the demands of society.
IRHs may try to manipulate the way you think about them, but basically, it's those who do
The problematic aspects of the IRC's personality are egosyntonic (that is, the IRC likes to be
he and he are very pleased with their own behavioral models, although both can
cause a lot of trouble to others). They rarely seek help alone.
yourself - this usually happens at the urging of other people.
False thought patterns and misunderstandings are behind the behavior of the IRC.
The IRC's self-esteem is most often inflated, but its merits are not
serves to compensate for the underlying feeling of inferiority.
Undesirable consequences and public condemnation do not stop the IRI.
Although problematic behavior patterns can be habitual by the IRS and
automatically, consciously and deliberately.
The personality disorder is well known and
However, self-image does not prevent them from resisting attempts to change their views and
core beliefs. IRCs don't need insights - they need and are useful
frame, opposition and especially behavior correction. Best suited for
working with them is a cognitive-behavioral approach.
As can be seen on almost every point of the distinction between neurotic and personality
with character disorders are noticeable. And most importantly - people with personality disorders
think differently than most of us. In the past few years, researchers have done it all
the importance of this fact. The way we think what we believe, the attitude we have formed
to certain things - all of these largely determine how we act. AT THE
in particular, as modern researchers note,
cognitive behavioral therapy (working with faulty thought patterns and
supporting a person's desire to change their attitudes and behavior patterns) -
a suitable choice for people with an unbalanced character.
Research on biases in thought patterns in people with personality disorders
started a few years ago and focused mostly on mental
attitudes of criminals. After a while, the researchers concluded that
Problematic thought patterns are common to all types of people with disorders
character. I have borrowed, modified, and supplemented descriptions of these problematic patterns
you and I are ready to present a brief description of the most important of them.
Narcissism. People with personality disorders think about themselves all the time.
yourself. They don't think about what others need or what impact they have on others.
their actions. This way of thinking creates a selfish attitude and
contempt for obligations to society.
Obsession. A thought pattern that represents others as property
with whom you can act as you see fit and whose role it is
to please you. Additionally, people with personality disorders are prone to
objectification, that is, they see an object in others and not in independent personalities.
with dignity, rights and needs. That guy
thinking creates a possessive attitude towards other people, the desire to explain
their rights to them and dehumanize (dehumanize) them.
Maximalism ("all or nothing"). The person with a personality disorder is prone to
refuse everything if he cannot fully get what he wants. When he isn't real
at the top of the pyramid it feels like it's fidgeting at its base. When someone disagrees
at some point he believes that his opinion is not valued at all. This guy
thinking discourages and promotes moderation and balance
Introspection. Person with personality disorder is so high
appreciates his personality, who ascribes himself the right what he wants. He doesn't think so
somehow have to earn what they want but, on the contrary, tend to believe that everyone is in debt
in front of him. This way of thinking contributes to the formation of arrogance, and arrogance
trust that everyone around him is his debtor.
Shamelessness. A person with personality disorders is healthy
feelings of shame. He doesn't care how his behavior affects his reputation. He can
embarrassed when someone reveals the true essence of their character, but confusion emerges
being bitten by is by no means the same as being ashamed of someone who is reprehensible
did. Shamelessness feeds insolence.
Rush and drowsiness. A person with personality disorders always
strives to get what you want as easily as possible. He hates applying
efforts or commitments. It gives him a lot more pleasure
stupid people. This way of thinking forms a dismissive attitude towards work and
other people's efforts.
Infallibility. The person with personality disorder doesn't think about it
how right or wrong his behavior is - he is just beginning to act and
takes everything he needs, no matter what social norms are violated. This guy
thinking creates irresponsibility and anti-social behavior.
Aggressive personality and its subtypes
Personality theorist Theodore Millon examines aggressive personalities
being actively independent in terms of their interaction with others and the world in general.
He notes that such people actively take care of theirs
needs have been met and strive not to be dependent on third parties
support. He also believes that there are two types of active-independent personalities:
you can adapt their approach so that
exist in society; the other cannot follow the legal requirements. Not me
agree that aggressive is the most appropriate epithet to describe it
style of interpersonal communication of each subtype of an active-independent personality. man
may well make it a rule to actively take care of yourself without being really aggressive
manifestations. This is the case, for example, with an assertive personality that I believe in
the healthiest of them all. But I wholeheartedly support the idea that diversity
aggressive personalities are not limited to die-hard criminals, and I think
very unfortunate fact that in the official psychiatric nomenclature as
personality with mental disorders appears only as a small subtype
active-independent personality - anti-social personality.
Unlike an assertive personality, an aggressive personality realizes its intentions in
interpersonal relationships with a degree of recklessness that exposes them
contempt for the rights and needs of others. Among most
characteristic features of this personality: a disposition to meet every life
challenges with an unrelenting determination to "win"; irascible and intolerant character and
mentality; lack of ability to experience fear, weakness, and adaptability
braking mechanisms; persistent desire to assume a dominant position;
extreme contempt and contempt for those who are perceived as
weak. This is a "fighter" to the core.
The aggressive personality is largely narcissistic - sometimes too
even considered a kind of narcissistic personality. Aggressive personality
notorious for their confidence and self-centeredness. Your own desires
plans, intentions - the only thing that matters to her. Anything that gets in the way of your goals
get out of the way at all costs.
Based on the characteristics of an active-independent personality given by Millon,
a series of studies of personality type "A" (aggressive), the results of the ongoing
study of some deeply aggressive personalities and the experiences they have gained
I find years of work with a variety of personality disorders
it is advisable to distinguish between five basic types of aggressive personality:
unlimited aggressive, directed aggressive, sadistic, predatory
(psychopathic) and covertly aggressive. While they have a lot in common, everyone is one of these types
has its own clearly distinguishable unique characteristics. Some are more dangerous than
others and some are more difficult to understand. However, all aggressive people are essential
make life difficult for those who work next to you, live with you, or stand below you
Unreservedly aggressive personality openly hostile, often rude and violent, and
often acts criminally. These are the people whose behavior we usually name
antisocial. They get angry easily, aren't careful enough, don't
Have fears that help adapt to the situation, are impulsive, lead
itself risky and extremely susceptible to gross violations of other people's rights. Many of them
spend a fair part of their lives in prisons because they simply are incapable of doing so
obey the demands of society, even if it is in their own interest.
Traditionally, these people became like that because they grew up in
an environment that aroused and was a suspicion of authorities and other people
too traumatized by neglect and abuse
learn to connect with other people. My many years of experience have convinced me that only in
in some cases the hostility of such overtly aggressive characters is indeed
fueled by extreme distrust of others. Even less
number have an innate predisposition to vigilance and distrust (then
there are certain paranoid traits). My experience has shown that for the most part
unbridled aggressiveness is less explained by mistrust and mistrust,
how much simply an increased willingness of the individual to express aggression, even if there is
meaningless, unreasonable and simply created by irritation. They show aggression
without hesitation and regardless of the consequences for yourself and everyone else. In addition, in
Biographies of most of them have neither been neglected nor mistreated, nor
unfavorable conditions. In addition, some grew up in the most beautiful surroundings.
Hence, many need our traditional ideas about these people
revision. One researcher noted that appears to be the only reliable factor
common to all "criminal personalities" with whom he happened to be together
collide - the pleasure they get from unlawful, illegal
Directional aggressive personality generally straightens his open aggression
those areas where it is socially acceptable - business, sport, army, security
law and order and jurisprudence. Rigidity, willpower and competitiveness of such people
are often rewarded. You can talk openly about how to "bury" an opponent or
"Smash" the enemy. They usually do not cross the line that separates their behavior
really antisocial, but don't be surprised if it happens.
The fact is that their social conformism is more likely to be explained by practical ones
Consideration instead of true adherence to principles or submission to higher ones
authorities. Hence, they can potentially break the rules and cause unnecessary harm.
when they feel it is warranted or can get away with it.
Sadistic aggressive personality - another openly aggressive type. To like
all other aggressive personalities try to gain power and submit
the rest. However, people like this are especially fond of watching them squirm
and their victim creeps in distress. For other varieties
aggressive person who inflicts pain or harm on anyone who gets in the way of what he is doing
it is necessary - only the cost of the fight. The goal of the most aggressive people is
win, not damage. In their understanding, when someone is hurt simply because of it
was under her feet - well, so be it. But the sadist enjoys
humiliate people and make them suffer. Like other aggressive people, sadists want
control and submission, but unlike others, they get special pleasure when
while insulting and humiliating their victim.
Predator aggressive type (sometimes referred to as a psychopath or sociopath) -
the most dangerous of all aggressive persons. Probably the most outstanding
an expert in this field is Robert Haer, whose book Deprived of Conscience. Frightening
world of psychopaths "is very easy to read and very valuable
a terrifying introduction to the field. Fortunately, psychopaths are relatively rare.
phenomenon. However, during my career I have come across a sufficient number of them.
They are radically different from the vast majority of people. From their shamelessness
hands down. They tend to think of themselves as superior beings on which to base
humans are only legal prey. They are the most pronounced manipulators and incorrigible
scammers who benefit from other people's use and abuse
trust. However, you can act charming and disarming. How clever
Predators carefully examine and are capable of most of their prey at risk
hideous victimization without the slightest remorse or remorse. Luckily,
most manipulators are not psychopaths.
Different types of aggressive personality share several traits in common. All of them
tend to seek power and subjugate others. They are all relative
insensitive to fear of punishment and the voice of conscience. In their worldview and way of thinking
reality is so distorted it is extremely aggressive
position and relieve the need to take over and be responsible for them
behavior. Your distorted, wrong thought patterns over the past few years
have repeatedly become the subject of research. Because different types
aggressive personality has so much in common that a subtype often shows something as well
characteristics of the other. So a predominantly anti-social personality can carry it
to show some elements of sadism or latent aggressiveness and the latent-aggressive -
certain anti-social tendencies, etc.
As mentioned above, all aggressive personalities have a lot in common with
narcissistic. Both guys have ego inflated and both believe that everyone around them owes them something. Both
tend to take advantage of interpersonal relationships. So both are emotionally independent
they only rely on themselves to meet their needs. Millon describes
narcissists as a passive independent personality, as their preoccupation with themselves leads
trust them that they just don't need anyone. You do not need
do everything you can to show their competence and superiority as they do
completely convinced of it. But when the narcissists are so absorbed that they can
passively neglect the rights and needs of others, then aggressive individuals,
on the contrary, they actively participate in activities in support of their independence and
protect them from interference and take action against the rights of others in order to protect theirs
aim and maintain a dominant position.
Hidden aggressive personality
It is to be expected that the latent-aggressive personality, a subspecies of the aggressive,
will also have some similarities to daffodils. However, this is hidden and aggressive
personalities have many unique characteristics that make them clear
a distinct type of aggressive personality. From other types of aggressive personality, they
differ mainly in how the fight is waged. They fight for what they want and
power over others with elusive, cunning, insidious power
ways. Upon reflection, it is clear that they are much closer to people
character disorders as neurotics. As far as they are inherent
They can be deceived as to the true nature of their character and neurotically
own hidden-aggressive behavior. The closer they are to people with
character disorders, the more actively they only deceive those who have chosen them
Unwillingness of hidden aggressive individuals to show open aggression -
a pragmatic quality that enables them to save face. Manipulators know this explicitly
aggression will meet with resistance. After learning that the best way to overcome an obstacle is
get around it, you will become masters of the fight, which will be waged by all means, however
Some personality theorists consider it a key trait
hidden-aggressive or manipulative personalities who have extraordinary pleasure with
what they use to fool their victims. But I am convinced that their intentions are
the same as for other aggressive personalities. They just want to win and have realized that
secret methods of fighting are best suited for their purposes. Here is what I am counting them
the most important qualities:
1. Hidden-aggressive individuals always try to insist on themselves or "win".
Every life situation for them as well as for all other aggressive personalities -
a challenge and a fight to be won.
2. Hidden aggressive individuals seek and seek power over other people
submit them to yourself. They always want to be one step ahead and in control. you are
use a whole arsenal of subtle but effective techniques to get and get
retain an advantage in interpersonal relationships. They fall back on certain ones
tricks that force others to defend themselves, give up or give up, and
at the same time, they mask their aggressive intentions.
3. Secretly aggressive individuals can be deceptively polite, charming and
attractive. They know how to present and position themselves in a favorable light
them for yourself, melting the ice of your resistance. They know what to say and what to do
so that you drop your intuitive distrust and give them what they want.
4. Hidden aggressive persons can also be unprincipled, insidious and insidious
vengeful fighters. They know how to take advantage of your weakness and will strengthen
rush to notice barely any sign of indecision in your behavior. You know how to catch
Surprise and prevent yourself from preparing. And if they think you have crossed their path or
trying to defeat them, they will try to put you in your place and take revenge. To the
their fight is not over until they have won.
5. Hidden aggressive persons are characterized by a deep lack of conscience. Like everyone else
the other aggressive personalities lack internal "brakes". You know that
good and bad, but don't let that knowledge get in the way of what you want. For her
the end always justifies the means. This is how they deceive themselves and others.
about what they actually do.
6. Latent aggressive individuals abuse interpersonal relationships and
use them for their own purposes. You see people as pawns in a game (or, if you prefer, in a battle).
Life. Disgusting weakness as such, they benefit from everyone
lack of their "opponents".
As with any other type, psychopathology is expressed latently-aggressively
personalities in varying degrees. For the most serious violations, interpersonal style applies
the interplay of hidden-aggressive individuals goes far beyond the simple
manipulability. Hidden aggressive individuals with severe disorders
characters are able to hide a hefty charge of ruthlessness and lust for power under a mask
feigned courtesy and even a certain charm. Show some of them
clearly psychopathic features. Jim Jones and
David Koresh. Although the behavior of a latently aggressive personality can be a lot
(Jim Jones - American preacher, founder of the religious organization "Temple of the Nations". 1978
year convinced the residents of Johnstown (a village founded by members of the "Temple of Nations") to make a massive one
Suicide. David Koresh is an American religious leader, leader of the branch of the David sect. Was catched
in sexual relationships with minors, accused of attempted murder but acquitted.
He died in 1993 during an FBI siege of the Mount Carmel property owned by members of the sect.)
richer than simple manipulation, real manipulators in the vast majority
they are hidden, aggressive personalities.
Differences between a hidden-aggressive personality and a passive-aggressive personality and other types
Just as passivity and latent aggression are very different
behavioral styles, passive-aggressive and latent-aggressive personalities are conspicuous
differ from each other. Millon describes the personality of a passive-aggressive or
negativistic, of the kind being very ambivalent - oscillating between dependent and
independent style of behavior. People of this type want to manage their own
live but fear they will lack the ability to do it effectively. Your insecurity
and hesitating whether to take care of yourself or rely on it
mainly connect them with others who are related to them
any relationship. They constantly want and ask others for support and care.
However, because they are disturbed by the dependent and subordinate position, they often try
taste personal power by resisting working with the very same people theirs
they were looking for support. You cannot make a decision of your own and can switch
him on your shoulders. If you accept it, there is no hurry to follow it. In an argument with you
they can decide that they have had enough and want to retire. But for fear of what
the elimination can be followed by emotional rejection; they remain and sulk until then
until you start asking them to tell them what's going on. Live with passive-aggressive
Personality can be very difficult because often it seems impossible to please.
Scott Wetzler is pretty in his book How to Live With a Passive Aggressive Person
describes the passive-aggressive type and life next to him well, although often not
distinguishes sufficiently between passivity and latent aggressiveness.
The treatment of passive-aggressive patients is legendary. These patients can whine and
complain about the lack of support from the therapist but hardly tries the therapist to provide
she gets up immediately and meets the therapist's suggestions with objections such as "Yes,
but ... ”and other implicit forms of passive resistance. Most therapists with
easy to distinguish such clearly "ambivalent" characters, driven by
increased sensitivity to shame through more cunning, calculating manipulators,
what I call covertly aggressive. Sometimes, however, therapists who are unfamiliar with anything more
exact terms, you are mistakenly using the concept of manipulators to describe
"Passive-aggressive" to identify the elusive more clearly
the aggressiveness of these manipulators. Hidden aggressive personalities are not at all
the same as compulsive. We all faced perfectionists
pedantic and highly organized people. We value these qualities very much,
when they check our tax returns or give us brain surgery. Yes,
Some compulsive people can be assertive, bossy, overwhelming and
Taxes. But that happens because they have a hidden one
aggressiveness. Obvious adherence to principles and standards can be used as
a mechanism by which you can gain power and subjugate others.
Compulsive people with latent aggression are people who
try to push their standards into everyone else's throats.
Subtly aggressive personalities are not identical to narcissistic personalities, albeit almost
always have narcissistic traits. People who think too much of themselves don't
make sure you try to manipulate others. Narcissists can relate to needs
others with passive indifference because they are lost in themselves. Some, however
Self-centered people show active disrespect for the needs of others and
Purposely abuse other people and make them their victims. To
to reflect this, some authors distinguish between light and harsh narcissism. Anyway, me
I believe the difference between people who are so lost in themselves that they don't show themselves
systematic observance of the rights and needs of others and people
Using and bullying others is the latter in addition to
narcissistic traits have a pronounced aggressiveness. In this way,
egoists who skillfully manipulate and exploit others are not just narcissists, they are
also hidden aggressive personalities.
Most covertly aggressive people are not antisocial.
Since they deny other people's rights and needs, they have
lack of conscience, actively seeking and making use of advantages over others
all methods, except perhaps for obvious violations of the law and outright aggression,
it is tempting to describe their behavior as antisocial. Manipulation really comes into play
in the arsenal of some anti-social individuals. However, manipulators do not hurt
the main social norms, do not lead or show a criminal lifestyle
gross aggression towards others when in principle they are able to do so. It was
Several attempts have been made to accurately describe what is inherent in manipulative people
calculating, cunning, controlling the style of interpersonal interaction. To them
tried on every label imaginable, from sociopaths to viciously narcissistic and even the like
suggested by Scott Peck, "perverted" personalities. Based on your feelings about having people
elusive aggression in character, many call it passive-aggressive. But not either
one of these labels does not reflect the essence of the manipulative personality. It is important to realize that
manipulation mostly involves covert aggression, i.e. skillful manipulators
- these are hidden aggressive personalities.
It should also be remembered that the manipulator, in addition to its latent aggressiveness
may have other personality traits as well. So not only can he be manipulative, but also
some degree of narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness,
antisocial and other tendencies. But as a friend of mine remarked, “It doesn't matter if it's gray
or brown, long or short ears, a lot of hair or a little - if it is big, with
tusks and with a trunk, this is definitely an elephant. "When the person you are dealing with owns
in the case of the main characteristics described above, it does not matter what else he has - before
you are a hidden aggressive personality.
Because predatory-aggressive and psychopathic personalities are masters
manipulation tempts a covertly aggressive person to be considered soft
variant of a psychopath. That point of view has a right to life. Psychopaths are the most dangerous
insidious and manipulative among aggressive people. Fortunately they have
are more of an exception. The same manipulative personalities described here
book, are distributed on a much larger scale and can, although they are also to a certain extent
just to wreak havoc in the lives of their victims, but not as dangerous as
How a hidden-aggressive personality emerges
An aggressive personality arises in different ways. I've met people whose
childhood was so steeped in neglect and abuse that it was them
are simply forced to become strong "fighters" in order to survive. But I've seen a lot
those who were too eager to fight all their lives, despite growing up in
a caring and supportive environment one can imagine. Stands up
the feeling that these people derailed the process of their socialization and quite early on
that the formation of her character in all stages proceeded under the strong influence of her
excessive willingness to fight. Regardless of which one had a stronger one
influence - nature or upbringing - the majority of latently aggressive personalities in children
the years have somehow missed some important lessons about how to deal with their aggression as well
focus too much on others. Judging by the life stories with which I have
Aggressively-aggressive personalities hidden by chance usually demonstrate the following
1. They don't know how to understand when a fight is really necessary and
justified. For them, everyday life is a struggle and everything that stands in the way
desired - "enemy". Obsessed with "winning" they want to fight and too much
are in excessively expressed readiness to fight.
2. You have never accepted the idea that "winning" is often in the long term
implies a willingness to withdraw, step aside, or obey
short term. They can't tell the moments when they should
succumb. The categorical rejection of the idea of obedience does not allow them to choose it
small concessions that often lead to "victory" later.
3. They don't know how to fight honestly and constructively. Maybe her
learned a lesson that now forces her not to trust her ability to win
fight honestly. Perhaps, in principle, they were never ready to submit
risk of injury. Sometimes the reason is simpler: they found that the hidden fight
more efficient. Anyway, they somehow learned to get to "victory" (aloud
at least in the short term) in secret and treacherous ways.
4. Because they hate to obey, they have prevented themselves from seeing this
admitting defeat can bring certain constructive advantages. I suppose,
that all aggressive individuals (and individuals with personality disorders) have a clear reason
the failure to learn from previous experiences the lessons we want to teach them,
lies the same mechanism. True assimilation (i.e. internalization) of life
the lesson always implies submission to a higher authority, force, or morality
principle. Aggressive individuals don't change because they don't want to obey.
5. They don't know how to go beyond their childish selfishness and selfishness.
They are unable to see that there can only be a desire to receive something
not enough to be eligible. For them the whole world is their property.
After learning to achieve their goal through manipulation, they begin to consider themselves invincible.
This increases their already expanded self-esteem even more.
6. You have not learned to really respect other people's weaknesses and to empathize with them.
Any other person's vulnerability to them is only their own benefit.
They despise the weaknesses of others (especially emotional ones) and improve their skills beyond measure
find and use the emotional "leverage" of their victims.
Fertile soil for hidden aggression
Certain professions, areas of activity and social institutions
are a great way to benefit others from hiding aggressive individuals
people for their own purposes. Politics, law enforcement, religion are some of the highlights.
examples. I don't mean to say that any politician, policeman or religious
the doer is necessarily a manipulative person. However, they are manipulators
secretly greedy for power, cannot resist this brilliant opportunity
assert oneself and wield significant power under the guise of enforcement
the debts these areas open up for them. Televangelists, cult leaders,
political extremists, sellers of "success" on Sunday nights and militant
public activists exposing articles that later fell on the first
Newspaper strips are not fundamentally different from these from the standpoint of the mode of action
hidden aggressive personalities that we encounter in everyday life. The
only pronounced extreme cases. The more insidious and skillful
a covertly aggressive person uses manipulation techniques which are all the easier for them to use
powerful position with broad powers.
How to recognize and deal with a manipulator
It is easy to fall prey to the subtle tricks of a hidden, aggressive personality. If you
if you want to avoid victimization, here are some things you should do.
1. Get to know the nature of these wolves in sheep's clothing. Understand what
they want and how they act. Study them carefully enough to recognize them right away.
at the meeting. The stories in the following chapters of the book should help you
feel the spirit of hidden aggressive behavior.
2. Familiarize yourself with the latent aggressive people's favorite techniques
allow them to manipulate and control others. You have to make a clear one
an idea not only of how latent aggressive personalities are, but also how
they can behave. In general, you can expect them to do all the steps that will lead to them
"Victory," but learn the most common techniques and learn to notice them
use is the best way to avoid victimization.
3. Research the typical fears and weaknesses that make you particularly vulnerable.
from the tricks of hidden aggressive personalities. Knowing your weaknesses may be up to you
the most powerful tool to effectively resist the manipulator.
4. Find out what you can change about your own behavior to become less
vulnerable to victimization and attempts by the manipulator to use you for their own purposes.
The use of techniques like those in Chapter 10 can change radically
the way you communicate with other people and enable you to be more productive
interact with those who would otherwise try to manipulate and control
The stories presented in the next few chapters are more precise
familiarize yourself with the nature of manipulative people. In the foreground in every chapter
one of the characteristic features of a latently aggressive personality was deduced. In all of these stories
I tried to clearly show the manipulator's main intentions, the techniques it has
used to implement these intentions and the victim's weaknesses that he
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