What is your father's job

Family or job

conscience  📅 14.07.2016 03:12:34
I need your opinion. Sorry, it could be a little longer.

I have just finished my studies and am looking for a job. Now my mother has died and my father indicated that he would think it would be nice if I moved back to my hometown (currently live 1.5 hours away). Now it's difficult to find a job in my industry, so I can be happy if I find a job at all (to put it in a somewhat drastic way). I always said to my parents that I was looking for something nearby and that I would like to work in the next big city. But I have to see where I can find something and where it can also be that I will move further away (i.e. throughout Germany). Now the situation has changed. If my father has my way, I should move back into my old nursery. Even if I could find a job in my favorite big city, I could still live in my hometown again, which would be about an hour away by train and then I could commute. The rents would also be cheaper, etc.
Two days after my mother's death, I received an invitation for an interview, which is 350km from my hometown. I described my situation to the company, that I don't have a head for it at the moment and that a lot has to be organized. They understood too and want to get in touch again in a few weeks, which I found very nice of the company because I expected a rejection (maybe she will come too and they wrote that so that I don't feel even worse) .

Now a few days have passed and I wanted to send out a few more applications today, but I feel blocked by what my father said. I wouldn't like to commute. In terms of price, it would be more expensive because apartment + ticket would cost more than an apartment in the city. In addition, that would be 2-3 hours of driving time every day.

On the other hand, I understand my father's situation. He doesn't want to be alone and I'm the only person he can relate to now (maybe a few more relatives). Besides, he has no idea about the household. I'm supposed to help him around the house, do things with him, be there for him.
I can't replace my mother and I don't want to either. I have my dreams in the back of my mind, but I also have my family. With the death of my mother, she changed the ideal of my life anyway, and then the pressure from my father. Relatives and friends have advised me that I should do what I want. But I don't want to offend my father either if I move hundreds of kilometers away and I'm not in the immediate vicinity, so that he can't even drive to me quickly and he's alone. Perhaps a little more time will have to pass before we can look at the matter from a further distance.

I already say thank you when someone has read through everything. I just had to write that off my mind.
Why does it have to be one or the other extreme? First of all, it is completely understandable that you are now in the difficult situation for your father. After all, if you needed help as a small child, he hadn't put his job forward either. If the apartment in your own house is too close to you, look for something in the immediate vicinity. You only have one family, professional opportunities come more often and yet you don't have to become your father's servant now. Be there for him at the beginning, but let him understand that he will have to become more independent over time and can only be there for him now and then! I can't imagine your industry to be so highly specialized that nothing can be found there; sometimes you just have to look left or right ...
Renate  📅 14.07.2016 08:15:44
Timmy, the toddler with read and not understood life experience!

Take your work where you can find it.
Find your apartment next to your work and not with your father.
conscience  📅 14.07.2016 09:13:35
It doesn't have to be the extreme. I would love to work and live in the big city an hour away from my hometown. I wouldn't have a problem with that either. I could be with my father quickly. The interview invitation, which is farther away, came at an inopportune time. But I would not ignore it either.


First of all, it is completely understandable that you are now in this difficult situation for your father.
But I am also in the difficult situation of dealing with that myself. Nobody expected death. She was still far too young.

My industry just doesn't exist in my hometown. 100km away it looks completely different. As an example: Hometown is a local resort with lots of tourists, I need a job in the automotive industry and 100km away is a typical Autostadt where a lot of people work in the industry.
conscience  📅 14.07.2016 09:14:30
From Vora Your father works
No, he's retired.
JuraFR  📅 14.07.2016 10:01:04
Of conscience
From Vora Your father works
No, he's retired.

You don't need a job near your father. Your father needs something to do. But that cannot be the adult child.

You should have an honest conversation with your father and make him understand that you have a life of your own as a person and cannot take your mother's place. And then you look for things together (or you do it beforehand) for your father to do. There are great senior programs in many cities or he starts traveling, helps out on a voluntary basis. He just needs a job in life.
Your nickname  📅 14.07.2016 10:03:28

first of all my condolences to the heavy loss. I think you shouldn't rush anything for now. Leave applications on hold for 2-3 months and take care of your father. Then you will see how it develops. The first weeks and months are very difficult. During this time you can also spend a few nights in your "nursery" on a trial basis. You have to see if that would be a permanent solution, I don't think it would be anything. This is safe in a house on two floors, but only one room? What does it look like in perspective if you bring your boyfriend home with you? Also the topic of household, you have to help your father to become independent, you cannot replace your mother. When everything has worked well, you first write applications near your home (200 km radius) that is still easy to drive. Take a small apartment at work and commute on the weekend. Every day 2-3 hours of pendulum is too much.
gex  📅 14.07.2016 10:31:06
This is really a difficult time for now. But I don't think you should go to your nursery (or floor, if available) and run the household for your father. Once you start doing it, you can't get out of there and since you are already plagued by feelings of guilt, they become insurmountable when you live there again and your father looks at you with big, sad eyes. He's already putting you under emotional pressure.

You should of course be there for your father, but draw a clear separation from the start. Once you notice that the child is there for me and does everything, I then deliberately pretend that the child stays there because I am so helpless. Most of the time, this is not meant to be malicious, but it is an effective strategy to retain someone. Because at the end of the day, your father now feels safe alone and wants you with him as a replacement. That is all too human and understandable and also safe without any malice from your father. But before you get into such an emotional spiral, from which it will be more difficult to get out of it than to stay away from it, you should agree on clear structures with your father about when and how often you visit him and he otherwise has to become independent.

A job in the next big city would certainly be advantageous. But if that doesn't work ... maybe you just take your father with you? He can move to your place of residence and then you can do things together. I can imagine that he doesn't want that, but he has to meet you somewhere.
Vora  📅 14.07.2016 10:43:24
From gex A job in the next big city would certainly be advantageous. But if that doesn't work ... maybe you just take your father with you? He can move to your place of residence and then you can do things together. I can imagine that he doesn't want that, but he has to meet you somewhere.
The thought also occurred to me, so I asked if the father was working. If he doesn't have any social contacts anyway, that shouldn't be a problem. Your father is not tied to one place, but you are if you cannot find work everywhere!

I wouldn't run the household if I were you and I wouldn't live with him either. A city with senior programs, everyone has their own apartment, you can visit them regularly if they really want to have you nearby.
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