Is polyamory a good idea

Love as much as you want!

Polyamory has many definitions - it is a made-up word from the Greek word polý, what "A lot, several" means and from the Latin word amor ("Love"). Polyamory is about open and honest communication and about the possibility to have as many relationships as you want. Find everything under the consent of those involved. Polyamory is clearly differentiated from free love and open relationships, as it is about serious romantic love affairs is about and not just about physical.

That's all well and good - but how do you live it? How do you get there? And is there really anyone who leads such a life?

Yes! And about you one Variety of answers and insights We interviewed eight people from Freiburg. We contacted the “Polyamory Freiburg” group on Facebook and asked the group if anyone would agree to conduct an interview. Many were very impressed by the idea of ​​participating in our polyamory project, which is why we did too Participants from the somewhat younger and older age groups and from different professional groups with it. In the first part of the series we ask the intervieweeshow they currently live and how they define polyamory for themselves.In the next few parts we will ask the questions like hers, among other things People react to polyamory and how they manage to share their partner.

The cover picture of the Facebook group “Polyamorie Freiburg” - Photo credit: Polyamorie Freiburg

The interview:

What is your situation How do you live right now?

Sarah, 50, gardener:

I am in mine second marriage, have two Children who are ten and twelve years old and live with them in a family. And I have one too encounter - that's what I call it - with a man who wants to live alone and with whom I meet every now and then. Knowing him is a great stroke of luck for me, as is everything in my life right now.
I also have a wonderful husband that I live with and with whom I have decided that we have a polyamorous relationship. The last two years have been there tremendous emotional work in our relationshipbecause we have thought a lot and everyone has dealt with their pain and happiness. At the moment I have the feeling that everything has found its place. We talk well with each other, exchange ideas and have interests that go together.
My experience is that it is beneficial to be Life not in boxesbecause that can make you rigid and lifeless. Living outside the box has the aspect that some can change again soonwhich is inconvenient at times. On the other hand, it keeps life awake, alive and fulfilled.
Before I had the first dates with my meeting, I always asked my husband explicitly, If it's okay. The two men then got to know each other and after a year I realized that I wasn't wanted to keep a secret from my children. I want to share everything with you and have been busy finding out how I can tell you that I live polyamorously. I talked to other polyamorous people at a regulars' table and thereby collected ideas. When I was home alone with my children, I told them that I knew another man who was important to me. He is so important to me that I also spend the night there from time to time. Especially my 12 year old son immediately asked whether I no longer love papa. I definitely didn't want to unsettle my children with this. I told them immediately and several times that this had nothing to do with Papa at all.
Meanwhile it is quite normal for them that mom or dad is somewhere else at night every now and then. We are all happy and have lively and fulfilling lives. I want my children to know that they are me can ask anything and never have the feeling that you are not allowed to address something.

Markus, 26, student:
I currently have a “relationship” that is very intense and that Gets most of my attention. I've had this relationship for about a year and a half now and it's the relationship that made me put the idea of ​​freedom from theory into practice. We are both persons who do not want to be restricted by their partner, but inform your partner about everything. There are also several people to whom I meet relationships of varying intensity have. The relationships are all rolled into one Stage of development, which I can not yet estimate exactly where it will lead. But I am sure that this Develop and change relationships all solely through our future circumstances. I am very satisfied and it is really very beautiful the way it is. On the other hand, I always find it generally nice to get to know new people. I am not primarily concerned with relationships or sexual matters, but with the people themselves, since they are allunique and exciting are. That has a bit of the disadvantage that you meet great people who you can fall in love with. Which is why I've been thinking lately How many people I can actually be in an intense relationship with. How much capacity do my time, my emotions and my head have? I don't have an answer to that yet and maybe I'll find a limit or there isn't any. My topic for the future will also be: How do I combine my living and living situation? Will there be a shared apartment with all kinds of people who are together? Unfortunately, I still have no idea how to implement all of this in a meaningful way.

Natalie, 21, designer and writer:
I live with two meneach of which I have a romantic relationship with. However, the two are not romantically drawn to each other. I basically live in one marriage-like trianglein which everyone has a partnership with everyone, only it is not erotic between the men. For women like me in the polyamory community there is what I think is a rather embarrassing term: "Princess".
We moved in together some time ago live together and it works really great. We're relatively open to further relationships, however not looking for a new partnership. We are careful and do not have an infinite amount of time and energy to get involved in something new. One of my partners recently saidthat he has everything he wants and doesn't want to change anything. Even if it is far in the future, we think so too on topics such as young talent. Our current challenge is the families and parents of us because we have a total of about ten parents and stepparentsand opinions are of course very mixed.

There is a regulars' table in Freiburg, where newcomers are also very welcome! At the bottom there is the link to the Facebook group!

Christian, 30, system administrator:
I am currently alive only mentally polyamorous, because I “only” have one girlfriend at the moment. But not because I am forced to, but because it no longer worked with my ex-partner. For me, polyamory is very relevant because I noticed that it just fits. I have already tried out several relationship models. Among other things, I've had monogamous and open relationships, but polyamory is the first time that it feels right. I can manage my relationship the way I feel without feeling like hurting or hurting anyone for ignoring them. So for me, polyamory is definitely the way to go.

Jennifer, 26, chemistry lab technician
I am currently in a two-man relationship with a man, and have one great tendency towards polyamorybecause I know monogamy all too well. I see it on the part of my family that the concept of monogamy can never work properly.
Often times in a family or relationship someone is hurt in some way by another person. There are then relatives and children are those who suffer and I do not want that. Why should one narrow oneself in love and put them in chains, when you can live in harmony with one another? I have a feeling that one in polyamory who and how one can be. It doesn't matter if you find an outsider attractive. There are many different types of love and attachment that one should accept. I think it's just a fitting idea to admit to yourself, that you can love several people at the same time.

Jason, 23, Shamanic Spirit Healer and Life Coach:
To me, polyamory means that Separation of love and possessions. Loving someone does not mean having someone, because love has very little to do with possessions. For a large part of my life I have assumed that at some point I would want to have a girlfriend forever, as many people want. When my friend Yasmine started bringing the subject of polyamory into my life, I thought I could live with it. But I always imagined that I wanted to continue to live monogamous, because I don't need anything more than a girlfriend. In principle that's true, but then I met someone else. She is a fascinating woman, and she has opened something in me again. Now I no longer live polyamory passively, so that I not only support my girlfriend in this, but also open up a lot of possibilities for me. It means to me, that I am not bound in the way I classify, separate, and categorize my relationships and pack in solid frames. I can approach any relationship the way it feels good and natural, no matter where it leads and no matter how it is expressed.

Yasmine, 20, trainee nanny:
As my friend Jason mentioned, I'm the one that polyamory brought into our relationship. I also started the monogamous way of life a few years ago. I have known for a long time that I can love more than one person at the same time. At first I was irritated by that, because as a 15-year-old you don't immediately realize that there are people who actually live it and that it's okay. At some point I met my then boyfriend started an open relationship. It took some getting used to for me, but it also felt good. There were a few, though Disagreements due to a lack of agreements.
After that I had a partner with whom I lived completely monogamous. The basic requirement for this relationship was monogamy and that made me very unhappy. On the one hand I felt very constricted and on the other hand I wanted to as a bisexual person also live out my feelings And that is very difficult in a monogamous relationship with a man. Then I googled polyamory because I had read the term somewhere before and knew that my feelings were not reinventing the wheel. I read that it was mostly about mutual agreement and I immediately liked what I read. When I got together with Jason later, I did discussed with him from the startwhether it would be okay for him if we had a polyamorous relationship. At the moment I'm only with him because nothing else has come up, but if something should come up, I can be free and open.

Kathrin, 23, law student
After a great poly experience, I am currently completely inactive in polyamory. My partner and I are currently two because we broke up with our other partners for various reasons. We have now decided to stay together for about a year in order to get to know ourselves and each other properly. But we know from experience that the break can be shorter or longer than a year. It can always be that someone falls in love with another person and we by no means rule out polyamory. In the future too we have a lot of nice pictures about polyamory in mind. We would just like to be surprised.

One often says: love cannot be defined!

How do you define polyamory?

Every human has his own ideas and approaches to love and relationships. It is the same with polyamory. Each of the respondents revealed their definition - sometimes shorter, sometimes longer.

Sarah:
For me, polyamory means that any kind of relationship is fine. Everyone can decide for themselves what kind of relationship is right in connection with all those involved. Someone who is polyamorous can also live monogamous, so to speak, if there is currently only one person who suits you. To me polyamory refers to my whole life. For me it's a way of life. One wonders which kind is right for oneself in life and in love.

Markus:
With polyamory it works about the will and the willingness to actively love several people at the same time. Everything happens in the knowledge and consent of all those involved. It's not about secret affairs, but about the fact that everyone you love knows enough about it. Those involved accept polyamory and ideally they encourage it and live polyamory themselves.

Natalie:

For me it is polyamory the longing and striving to live in a group or to function as a group or to start a family by bringing in adults and not just having children. Polyamory is that Willingness to throw at the stake the values ​​we have learned from our parents and society and to take the brave step inventing our own values. Polyamory is the ability to experience love together and to exclude exclusivity. The exclusivity is also more of an unnatural state in my opinion.

Chris:
To me, polyamory is, quite simply, “multiple open monogamy”. It means, that I can be with as many people as I want. I don't have to be uptight and look at pretty people without my partner getting jealous because I talk to her about everything. I can tell strangers quite openly: “I find you attractive” without having to worry. I just have in a poly relationship an open incident.
At the same time, “multiple monogamy” is also wrong again. I always have to pay attention to everyone involved when a person joins. In a relationship for two, I only have to pay attention to one partner. My goal is then that my partners get to know and understand each other. Because it is one too wonderful opportunity to start your own family. I can choose the people around me as I want. But it is also important that you always has defined the rules in advance by mutual agreement. When a new person joins, they must follow the rules that have already been given. One can then redefine the rules together. For me, polyamory is the opportunity to build everything up so that I feel good.

Jason:
For me, polyamory has three principles:

  1. Love and possessions have nothing to do with each other and are completely independent of each other. Love gives bond, closeness and security, but this is often confused with possession. Therefore, to me, polyamory means that People cannot belong to you. You can't own each other.
  2. A deep love for one person does not preclude deep love for another person. Many people think that if you really love one person, you can't really love another person because there is only room for one person in your heart. In my opinion, that's just not true. Emotional depth has an unlimited capacity. The only thing that limits it is the uniqueness of the person himself.
  3. Every relationship can be lived as it is natural. You have a relationship with everyone and everyone is unique. No relationship limits another. No relationship is in a mental box that can no longer be opened. Every relationship can be expressed and lived as it is.

Yasmine:
For me, polyamory means having the freedom to explore and live out my feelings. When I get to know another person, I can explore my feelings in peace, without being afraid that my partner will leave me if I tell him about it. It is therefore important for me to be open. If I want to get to know this new person, I tell them about it and also listen to my partner's feelings. Nobody should miss out, feel excluded or neglected.

Jenny:
For me polyamory means to be able to and be allowed to love several people at the same time and to be able to form a community together.
Polyamory can actually be seen everywhere, for example when you have several children or a wife and a child, even if this love is on a different level. You also love and bond with your siblings, but you can still love your friends and do something with them.

Kathrin:
Polyamory is freedom of choice.
That fits very well in my situation. We just made a decision right now. Just because I “only” have one partner at the moment doesn't mean that I don't define myself as polyamorous.

You see, the topic is very extensive!
That's why we have written two more reports for you, which allow you to look deeper into the topic through the interviews. We would like to thank you in advance for this incredible openness and would also like to respond to the Stammtisch Freiburg on Facebook to draw attention. Once a month people meet who want to exchange ideas about polyamory and other important topics of love. Have a look there if you are interested, because every conversation is valuable and broadens your horizons.