Why don't people find me interesting

Why do we always want those who don't want us?

You have a right to leave me, I don't really know why I love. ”- William Shakespeare

Oh yes, love. It's such a thing with her. It is seldom perfect, usually quite complicated and alarmingly often unbalanced or unrequited. Sometimes, however, for an astonishingly long time. But why are so many people so attached to those who do not want them at all? Or at least not quite. Or just sometimes. If it wasn't much smarter and also emotionally healthier, from a certain point of suffering a self-protecting “Okay, then not. Damage thank you! ”And step into an uncertain but free future? Instead, we suffer long and persistently and throw ourselves into the flame with unteachable zeal that burns us again and again.

Heart or brain? Both!

Our brains apparently have a not inconsiderable complicity. Rejection and rejection stimulate the brain areas that are responsible for motivation, reward and addiction, among other things. The team of American scientists led by bio-anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher found out in a 2010 study.

“The longing for endorphin intoxication leads us to repeatedly approach potential relationship partners who represent a real challenge for us,” explains relationship researcher, book author and certified psychologist Professor Andreas Hejj.

In summary it can be said: The poor subjects of Dr. So Fisher were addicted to drugs, at least from a brain perspective, just from Henry or Helen instead of heroin. And everyone knows that such a proper addiction cannot be overcome with a little goodwill.

[Also at ze.tt: Why addiction is poison for a relationship]

Optimal genes, maximum suffering

Evolution has also contributed to this behavior. "Evolutionary psychology teaches that modern man inherited the behavior from his Stone Age ancestors which [...] ensured survival and the transmission of these very genetic patterns to the next generation," says Professor Hejj.

It was enormously important to get someone “with the best possible genetic make-up, since this was the only way to ensure the survival of one's own children”. That is why our ancestors would have found particularly attractive those who were equal to or exceeded the perceived partner's value.

But: If the one is more attractive, smarter and generally greater than you are, then, purely in terms of evolutionary biology, he * she would probably prefer to stick to someone with a greater genetic promise of success ...

Is it your own fault? Yes, that too

However, the main responsibility for inappropriately long clinging to people who don't find us quite so knackered lurks in our individual psyche. Lack of self-confidence, weird childhood, terrible experiences in love affairs and learned stupidities are all ingredients for our personal mix of misfortunes.

"If an adult gets stuck on the level of unattainable enthusiasm, it makes perfect sense to check whether he is sure of his own worth and trusts himself to withstand an actual relationship," says Professor Hejj, for example. As long as a relationship is not really serious, you can still cover up your poor self-confidence, says the relationship expert Nina Deissler. "Finding someone attractive who is out of reach protects against actually having to enter into a relationship," she explains. This avoids injuries and disappointments. Constant longing as armor of the heart - you can only be so cruel to yourself.

[Also at ze.tt: Why is it so difficult to be nice to yourself?]

Thank you Mama!

In addition, mom, dad and Sigmund Freud also play a role in the development of fatal relationship patterns. If the children in the oedipal phase do not succeed in overcoming the hopeless desire for the opposite-sex parent by identifying with the same-sex parent, the poor souls will follow this familiar pattern of the unreachable partner throughout their lives. “The more severe the disappointments, the stronger the desire to finally make it,” says Professor Hejj.

Not to forget our environment, which is geared towards consumption and performance. “One of the most common root causes is 'having to earn something',” says Nina Deissler. “We are so identified with the principles of achievement society that we find it difficult to accept the principle of love. It says that we just can't deserve love. We can only be loved for our own sake. "

[Also at ze.tt: This is how love changes in the course of a relationship]

That should stop, really now

So our brains are dependent on rejection; For reasons of reproduction, we always look for better partners by classes; we hide our fragile egos and hearts; we unconsciously try to get mom or dad to love us after all, and at the same time believe that we don't deserve this love. It's a wonder there are people in relationships at all, isn't it?

[Also at ze.tt: Why wrong timing is the hardest thing that can happen to you in love]

The key is to choose people who can be reached emotionally. Because there are definitely fulfilled relationships, emphasizes Professor Hejj. One step in the right direction is, for example, to be aware of the type of partnership you want, which characteristics, characteristics and behaviors are important and which are not. The relationship researcher advises asking yourself the following three things before the frenzy of being in love:

  • Is this person in terms of their overall social and psychological situation able and ready to enter into a relationship?
  • Do I want closeness, security, sex, commitment - and everything else that is important to me - with this person?
  • Is my overall offer about as attractive to him * her as his * hers to me?

"If the answer is yes three times, the worst risk of disappointment is gone," says Professor Hejj. Of course, that is by no means a guarantee of lifelong happiness, but there is never any. Nina Deissler sums up the core of the problem as follows: “He has to want to be with me. If he doesn't want or can't, he's not the right person. "