What is meant by a good relationship
The 10 golden rules for a happy relationship
Your relationship sucks?
Do you keep getting hit by the wrong person?
Do you slip from one unhappy relationship to the next and all problems seem to repeat themselves endlessly?
You are probably wondering what you are doing wrong. Why you are constantly unlucky while others are doing so much better ...
I tell you something:
A good relationship has nothing to do with happiness. It also has nothing to do with you having to meet the right person or the right person.
The basis of a happy partnership is only YOU!
In this article, I'll tell you exactly what that means and how you can IMMEDIATELY start improving your relationship ...
Table of Contents
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The real secret of a good relationship
The basis of a happy relationship
… are you!!
Chances are you're going to protest now and think something like that "It always takes two."
You may also completely blame your partner. After all, HE was the idiot or SHE the bitch, behaved like shit, was pathologically jealous, cheated on or whatever ...
I'll tell you what: It doesn't matter how your partner acted. At least not if you keep experiencing the same problems.
Who was there in all of your fucking relationships? YOU! You are the only constant ...
However, that is not to say that you are to blame.
But on the contrary! Once you understand the huge impact YOU ALONE can have on your relationships, you can use that to your advantage.
This is your chance! Then you no longer have to wait for the other person to change or for you to finally find the right one.
You are in control of the happiness of your relationships!
And so that you know WHAT you need to change about yourself, we start with a simple question:
How confident are you
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Would you like to be with you
You should answer this question as honestly as possible.
- The answer is NO, then you probably already know your "quirks" very well. But even these do not necessarily have to lead to an unhappy relationship.
Often we judge ourselves much more critically and negatively than others. The problem with that, however, is that you then exude that negative self-image and that doesn't make you particularly sexy.
In most cases, you don't have to change at all, but rather learn to fully accept yourself. With all your "mistakes" and all your weaknesses. But we'll get to that in a moment in the tips ...
- Or maybe your answer is YES. You are convinced that you are the most loyal and attentive partner or the most loving friend in the world. Whoever gets you has the main prize.
After all, you would do ANYTHING for the other. Get him the stars from the sky (or the beer from the fridge). Read your every wish from your eyes. Never start an argument, never cheat and so on ...
Strangely enough, you still don't have great relationships. You are being exploited, cheated on, or constantly getting caught up in selfish assholes or arrogant goats.
In this case, this is because you are subconsciously signaling from the outset: I do everything for you and let me please everything from you. And with that you also attract people who take advantage of it ...
Remember one thing:
How else are you going to explain to yourself that the patterns of your relationship problems keep repeating? These patterns are based on YOUR personality. And it is less your behavior that is decisive than the strength of your self-esteem and the level of your self-love.
So it is clear:
And what exactly you can do for it, I'll tell you now:
10 rules for a happy relationship
You have probably already read a few relationship guides or articles and tried to implement the tips they contained. With little success, I assume, otherwise you wouldn't be here now ...
You will soon notice that my tips are a little different:
They are primarily about YOU.
This has a decisive advantage: You can do it all by yourself. With some points it helps of course to include the partner, but basically you don't need him / her for this.
I know couples where ONE of the two has implemented my tips without telling the other anything about it and the entire relationship has changed positively within a very short time.
So, let's get started right away:
1. Break up on the spot!
Let's start right away with the most important point:
No matter how shitty your relationship goes, stop blaming the other person. It doesn't matter what happened so far.
As long as you look to your partner (or fate) to blame, you are in the role of victim.
As a victim, however, you are powerless. As a victim, there is nothing you can do but hope that something will change ...
- that at some point you will finally meet the right person
- or that your partner or relationship is changing miraculously
And while you wait, you tap from one relationship crisis to the next.
Stop it! Stop blaming anyone TODAY (Warning: Not even YOU! You are not deliberately screwing up your relationships.) And take responsibility for YOU and your partnership from now on.
It's simple: by reading on and also taking the following tips to heart ...
2. Forget the dream partner nonsense
Many people think that once the RIGHT ONE comes along, everything will be fine. Then they automatically have the perfect relationship ...
Unfortunately, this image is conveyed that way in films, books and series. In reality, however, this is total nonsense!
Let me say it very clearly:
There is no such thing as the right one!
There are sure to be people who suit you better or worse. But you will never find the one where everything fits one hundred percent.
And even if it looks like this at the beginning - we change. Each of us changes in the course of his life and no one is exactly the same person 10 years later as before.
So it may well be that at the beginning of the relationship everything seems perfect and after a few years you will say it "Hmmm, it was probably not the right one." And in the worst case scenario, the breakup occurs and the search for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect starts all over again ...
So instead of desperately looking for someone who fits perfectly, learn to be happy with what you have (see also tip no.7, tip no.8 and tip no.9)
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3. Nobody is your lucky charm
Many people are looking for a partner who makes them happy ...
And that is a fatal mistake!
Because nobody in this world is there to make you happy! You are solely responsible for this.
When you seek your happiness in another person, you become completely emotionally dependent. Every little argument then scares you completely, because in an emergency you would not only lose a partner, but also your luck with him / her!
This puts you under extreme pressure to make yourself happy all the time. And sooner or later that puts a strain on every partnership.
Be sure to learn how to be happy on your own.
Then you already have a completely different charisma when you get to know each other! Because if you are looking for someone who will make you happy, you radiate a certain need. Other people sense this and are often deterred from the outset.
In addition, with the right amount of self-love, you will be much more relaxed within the relationship and will not immediately suffer from extreme fear of loss with every small crisis.
4. What self-love really does
You have probably heard the following sentence: The more you love yourself, the more you can love others too.
In my opinion, that's only partly true. There are many people who don't like themselves very much, but have a huge heart for others.
I would therefore phrase it differently:
The more you love yourself, the more you will be loved by others too!
Let me explain why that is:
- Those who do not love themselves are often unhappy and dissatisfied and therefore not a particularly attractive partner
- A lack of self-love also leads to a lack of self-care. Such people do not pay close attention and are often exhausted or unbalanced as a result
- Without self-love, you have a negative self-image. This often leads to the fact that you generally tend to think negatively and have a negative charisma
- Those who do not love each other constantly compare themselves to others and are therefore particularly prone to jealousy
- A lack of self-love often leads to an addiction to recognition. These people are constantly asking for proofs of love because they do not consider themselves lovable
As you can see, a lack of self-love is anything but attractive.
You can find tons of tips on how you can strengthen your self-love without becoming selfish here: Self-love: How to learn to love yourself (+10 everyday tips)
5. Don't try to make the other happy
Very often I observe couples in which one of them completely sacrifices himself and then wonders why the relationship is still going wrong.
Most of the time it says: "I really do everything for him / her and as a thank you I am treated like a doormat."
In these cases, the problem usually begins in advance: If you (unconsciously) radiate that you are ready to do anything for the other - you automatically attract people who take advantage of it.
And so it is precisely the particularly dear, good-natured and helpful people who come across narcissists, ruthless machos or women who only boss you around and use you ...
Just as others are not there to make YOU happy, neither are you in the world to make OTHERS happy!
Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Of course, you can always do the other person a favor or give them a little joy. But don't let that become the meaning and purpose of your existence!
It's best to read the next tip:
6. Whom you should urgently remain loyal to ...
Again and again I meet people who know exactly what they want - both from life and from their partnership.
But as soon as a hot guy or a sexy girl comes along, suddenly all plans are thrown overboard.
Sometimes it goes so far that people bend completely for the sake of their partner. They do things they never wanted to do. Or they let themselves be dissuaded from something that was very important to them before. Some even change their behavior, their outfit, their hairstyle or their sexual preferences ...
The problem with this:
That doesn't go well for long! The more you bend for the sake of your partner, the more frustration you will get over time.
In the beginning everything is covered by the happiness of being in love, but that subsides at some point. What then remains is the feeling of no longer being yourself. Then you either become dissatisfied with yourself or with your relationship.
In the worst case scenario, you start to blame your partner and sooner or later the breakup occurs. That could be avoided if both of them had admitted at the beginning that they don't really fit together ...
Therefore, very important:
Make it clear to yourself what you actually want and then stay true to it. Don't bend Say NO and keep your limits. Do not adapt your wishes to your partner. If it doesn't fit, then it doesn't!
7. Note the prohibition of bending
Just as you shouldn't change yourself for the sake of your partner, you shouldn't bend him / her either!
Often it is noticeable at the beginning of a relationship that something is bothering us about the other. This is then (for the time being) ignored - later it becomes a point of contention. Somehow one had hoped that the other would change ...
But people only change when they want to. Otherwise the changes are only temporary or lead to frustration (see point 6).
So from day one, ask yourself if you can accept EVERYTHING about your partner, even if it will NOT change. And only if you can honestly answer YES, the relationship has a chance.
You yourself wish that your partner would accept and love you for who you are and not fool around with you all the time.
Acceptance, understanding, and compassion are the best recipe for a happy relationship!
The absolute best requirement for a long, happy relationship is unconditional love!
Most relationships are more like a "contract". There are (mostly unspoken) conditions: If you do this, I'll do that. Are you dear, loyal etc. - it works. If not, there’s stress. And so on.
In order to reach the state of unconditional love, you should ask yourself the following questions every now and then:
- Do I do what I do for my partner out of love? Or am I hoping for something in return? Do I want to "buy" his / her love with it?
- Can I accept the other 100% and love him / her with all weaknesses, quirks and quirks? Or do I expect the other to change for my sake?
- Would I still love the other person if he / she does something that I think absolutely sucks?
Please note: This is not about sacrificing yourself or letting the other put up with everything! It is simply a matter of whether you feel love for the other that is independent of your and his behavior. THAT is unconditional love!
8. Stop looking at others
Another big mistake made by unhappy relationships is making comparisons!
Basically, comparing yourself with others always sucks, because each of us is unique and therefore lives our own unique life.
In addition, we automatically tend to only see what is going better with others than with ourselves. This is especially true for relationships!
When your own relationship is in crisis, you instinctively look to others who are happy in their relationship. You may be watching your friends, your acquaintances or your neighbors and you think: "Man, why is it going so well with them and not with me?"
But do you really see how their relationship is going? You don't know whether they're pissing off at the breakfast table or not talking to each other in the evening. You only see the image that they convey to the outside world and that can be very deceptive ...
So stop comparing yourself!
And I don't have to mention that Hollywood and Co. are not realistic templates, right?
9. When you only see red ...
Let's start this tip with a little experiment:
Okay, done? Did you see something red Great.
And now tell me - WITHOUT looking up again - how many BLUE things you have seen ...
You will find that you have been so focused on discovering something red that you have completely missed any blue objects. And that is exactly how it works in every relationship:
The more you focus on seeing your partner's mistakes, quirks, weaknesses, and failures, the less you see the positives. The more you focus your attention on everything that is NOT going well in your relationship, the less you will see what is great.
And stupidly, over time, the things we focus our thoughts on intensify!
So instead of constantly puking up on your partner / your relationship with your friends or your best buddy or getting upset about it, it is best to start today with this little daily exercise:
Take a few minutes every evening and write down three things ...
- that you love about your partner
- that you love about your relationship
- that made you happy about your relationship during the day
- or for which you are grateful to your partner
Make a conscious decision to write down small things, for example that he put his cup in the dishwasher ...
Always make things positive. So not: "It's great that she didn't need 3 hours in the bathroom today." rather "Yeah, she was ready after 90 minutes." 😉
By the way, humor is the best thing you can do for a happy relationship, as long as it doesn't drift into irony or sarcasm!
With this exercise you will gradually change your focus and I promise you that this will also change your relationship in a positive way!
Try it out and experience it for yourself ...
10. Dreams, wishes and goals - lonely or together?
Everyone changes in the course of their life. Some do it on purpose, others unconsciously. But nobody stays absolutely the same for decades.
This will of course change your dreams and goals over time. Or do you still want to be a cowboy or a princess like you did when you were a child?
In a partnership in particular, it is therefore extremely important to talk regularly about common goals, wishes and visions! And also about your individual dreams, even if they go in different directions.
Why is that so important?
- Common goals weld you together
- Different goals don't kill your relationship
There is hardly anything better for a relationship than shared goals and visions. If you both pull together and work together towards the same goal, then it will be much easier for you to survive small crises and everyday problems.
The more openly and honestly you talk about the fact that you may have very different wishes for the future, the easier it is to find a solution. The biggest mistake is NOT to talk about it. Then everyone becomes more and more dissatisfied with himself over time and that puts a strain on the partnership up to and including separation.
It is much better if you encourage each other to realize their own plans. If one of them maybe even supports the other ... or at least accepts it.
So: Talk to each other, dream together, set common goals and support each other in realizing individual goals - then your partnership has the chance to last forever!
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Conclusion: the secret to happy relationships
Have you read this far? Excellent!
Then you now know how much you can do for your relationship all by yourself and that you no longer have to wait for the only true love or a miracle ...
YOU ALONE can start changing your entire relationship life today.
Here is a brief summary of what you can do about it:
- Put an end to the victim role and take responsibility for your relationship (s) NOW
- Stop waiting for the right one or constantly judging your partner
- Learn to be happy on your own and don't wait for your partner to make you happy
- Increase your attraction by increasing your self-love
- Stop trying to make other people happy - everyone is responsible for their own happiness
- Stay true to yourself and don't bend over to the other's sake
- Also, don't try to change your partner
- Don't compare yourself and your relationship to others
- Change your perception: Focus on everything positive in your partnership
- Talk to each other about your goals, dreams and wishes - about common as well as individual goals
Common questions about relationships
I've tried everything and I'm still unhappy
Okay, you've taken my tips to heart and your relationship still sucks?
You may have noticed that you are much happier on your own? Can't find any positive aspects about your partner or your relationship? Or is your new behavior causing more stress and arguments than ever before?
Then there is unfortunately only one option: GO.
As harsh as that sounds, in this case you should really break up.
What do you get in a relationship where you are unhappy? A relationship that will likely only work if you bend over the top or sacrifice for the other, or that only works because of emotional addiction?
By doing this, you are not doing yourself a favor and, ultimately, neither is your partner. You both only have a limited lifetime and you should enjoy it. If that doesn't work together, staying together doesn't make any sense ...
I am unhappy with the relationship but am afraid of breaking up
Many people remain in an unhappy relationship for years because they fear a breakup.
If you feel the same way, ask yourself:
What exactly are you afraid of?
Don't you want to hurt the other Are you afraid of being alone? Do you think you will never find anyone again? Or is it because of the children, the house, the neighbors' talk ...?
Whatever is behind it, be aware of one thing:
You only live this one life. And NOBODY benefits from being unhappy! Neither your partner nor your children. And least of all you yourself ...
However, since this topic is very complex, I have dedicated an article to it. You can find it here: Go or stay: Is your relationship over? (including test)
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