Why is my life so sad

Nothing is more fun and meaningful? Why depression is a chance for real happiness

This article is for anyone who is wondering why? What do I really enjoy? What gives my life stability, meaning? I looked for it and never found anything. Luckily! Something much better for that: real, unplanned, ill-conceived life. Everyone can feel fulfilled immediately - even without alcohol or drugs, I promise.

Frustrated? At a loss? Congratulation! Then the way is free!

I have learned for myself that I am the Ask about the meaning may not ask. Do not want. Whatever. It leads nowhere, the question of why. Answers to this will only make you satisfied for a short time. At least that's how it was for me. To live without an imagined purpose, on the other hand, makes you free and maybe even happy. An appeal to everyone who is still looking for the meaning of life: not to look for it.

I cannot grasp the meaning of life with my mind. Becausesense is a human concept. But life just happens. And we humans are part of the whole. We swim with them and can complain about the supposed futility, or just try to feel as much joy as possible.

“Know your why” - this tip doesn't always make you happy

Of course I could have looked for a great motif. "Make the world a better place". “Be happy and do good to other people”. "Let my children have a better planet."

But these values, as motivating as they sound, felt so arbitrary to me. Empty. It was just words. None of it grabbed me. It could have been anything. And anyway: I was and am self-employed, entrepreneur. I was burned out and the hell of it was about paying my rent and doing something that didn't turn me off or frustrate me. But to do something that I enjoyed and that was really right and important. Whatever that Rcorrect and this Wcorrect should be.

He who only does everything as a means to an end cannot be happy

I was so used to working like a machine and had reached a point where I couldn't anymore. So my perplexity went much further and resulted in a depression:

Strange thoughts arose in me. For example: what is the point of being happy? And thought through to the end, I was actually right: Why actually be happy? What good will it do for me in the end if I eventually die? What do I do with this happiness?

These questions circled in my mind. It felt like I was being torn into a hole by them. A hole that led straight to nowhere, to death. Even now, as I write about it, I can feel the dark, heavy, and desolate effect of this question. How my chest contracts and the energy leaves my body. What's the point of being happy? What's next? Nothing.

I was so used to doing things for a reason. But life has no reason. And it doesn't need that either.

The difference between luck and bad luck

I know two ways of life:

1. Just do what I like without thinking too much. For example, writing or making music. To go for a walk. Vacuuming, washing up, driving to work. Talk to a friend.

2. Think about what to do. Thinking about the meaning and what is really important in life. To use it to find something that I supposedly like. Life is then pure theory. I don't start running, I brood. And I do things that are far below my possibilities, because the really good life only exists in my thoughts. Shit present; cheers for the great future! Hope for the future is the only thing that drives me then. A constant disappointment.

If I just do what I love, I don't need to wonder about the meaning of life. Only when life is not fun does the question of meaning become topical.

Many then answer them with something that is outside of them. The job, the career. Of religion. Friends. Family. Something that seems to hold them up.

For me, the why was the job. I found a home in it. And today I am grateful that my illusion went up in smoke that my job would make me happy.

Everything in life can suddenly blur, swim away, be gone, change. And sooner or later everything changes. What happens if that is suddenly no longer there that gave me this hold?

Panic. Empty.

I never do anything or anyone about my why again

As a student, I worked full of energy as a volunteer editor. That was really cool. It was so much fun. As a 16-year-old I already knew what office stress and 14-hour days mean. But it was great.

It was my passion, but not my why. I didn't have a why. I was just curious and enthusiastic. Sociable. Yeah, a nerd. An online gamer who wrote reports on computer game tournaments.

But I only started looking for the meaning later in my work. I started defining how my work should go instead of just getting on with it.

How my company should be instead of simply designing it.

How my life should be instead of living it and waiting to see what happens.

And I've started subordinating my life to these goals. Just as I had previously subordinated it to other things. My relationships, for example.

I ran faster and faster because I wanted to arrive so badly, and I couldn't see the world to my left or right. But nothing in life is unimportant. Everything takes me further if I only pay attention.

Everything was more important to me than myself

I thought I was working for myself. At some point I only worked for one performance, in 70 hour weeks I lost my joy in writing and even lost my joy in life.

What helped Just a breakdown followed by depression, the inability to continue sitting at a desk. I hadn't understood it yet, but my body and everything in me said: Stop! The way you live doesn't go one step further. My mind followed suit and after a few months understood what was going on.

Don't postpone life anymore

Anything but enjoying life NOW is procrastination. I'm putting off life. The happiness. For a better future, with the hope of a perfect career, a great relationship, a great life full of great things.

But anyone who only lives for the weekend hates Monday to Friday. Giving life a certain meaning makes it tight. Smaller than it is.

Depressed? Very good!

Not seeing the point is not a dead end, but an opportunity. A few years ago I started to live a new life, saying goodbye to old ideas. Just put one foot in front of the other every day. And the new gifts came gradually that make life beautiful. Even without these things, I've learned to be content with my life. Above all, the four questions from The Work helped me.

But everyone finds their own way. You just have to start walking.

PS: Tell me about your (suffering) path in the comments or ask me a question. Maybe I can pass on a bit of my humble experience to you.

/ 60 Comments / by Gidon Wagner