What is a recipe for a good marriage
Love - The recipe for a happy marriage: "Imperfection is the rule"
The recipe for a happy marriage: "Imperfection is the rule"
What's the recipe for a happy, long-term relationship? Developmental psychologist Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello reveals why modern marriage and long-term relationships present us with new challenges in today's society.
"At the beginning everything is wonderful," says Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello. The audience gathered in the country house in Solothurn on Sunday morning and sat excitedly in their chairs. "But what about after a year, after ten years of relationship?" Asks the developmental psychologist.
She explores long-term relationships and why some break up and some don't. As part of the Mental Health Action Days in the Canton of Solothurn, she answered these and other questions.
It was about survival
According to the scientist, love marriage has only existed since romanticism. And for a long time to come, marriage was primarily about survival - individual happiness was secondary. After the world wars, the golden age of marriage had dawned. The woman took care of the household and children at home and of the emotional. It had to be nice and warm and comfortable at home. The man, on the other hand, was outside in the harsh reality, making sure that the family was financially well.
Today you are no longer dependent on your partner. "Today love is the only reason for marriage," says Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello. But love is just a feeling, "and feelings are not always under control". With this freedom to marry only out of love, one has much more personal responsibility than before.
Looking for yourself is fashionable
Another challenge is customization. “How often do you hear the sentence: 'It has to be right for me'?” Perrig-Chiello asks the audience. This sentence is modern, hardly anyone had said it before.
You also question traditional values, such as loyalty. Young people would value this very highly in the relationship, but in reality it looks very different. One does not like to talk about loyalty and many people are keen to try things out. It is proven that religion has a binding effect. Today you have to become aware of your own values in order to really be able to live by them.
"People in long-term relationships live longer than people without a relationship." Yet more and more marriages were getting divorced. And not the younger marriages, but especially the long-term ones. The most common age of divorce for women is 48, for men 49. This could also have something to do with the longer life expectancy. "Perhaps some problems were solved by death on their own in the past," says the psychologist, triggering laughter. Many factors would play a role in a middle-aged divorce: changes in the family, menopause, depression. It is a phase of growth - and this can also trigger pain. In the first place of the partnership reasons for a divorce is not cheating, but alienation, the so-called "living apart".
Recipe for a Happy Marriage
The factors that maintain a relationship are simple: interest in others, affirmation, affection, joy, and humor. You shouldn't lose your self-worth in the process and don't allow yourself to be misled too much by romance. "In reality, imperfection is the rule," says Perrig-Chiello. It is important to forgive, to respect the other and also to be able to allow anger and pain. According to divorced and married couples, communication and similarities are the most important things for a long, happy relationship. And whatever it takes is luck.
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