Why did you end a relationship
Ending a relationship: this is how you break up without drama [ESESA method]
I wanted to organize a surprise party for my partner Patrick and asked his best friend Frido if he would help me plan. Frido said: "Yes, of course I'll help you, but doesn't Patrick have other plans with his new girlfriend that evening?" I stood there petrified and Frido said quietly to me: "Oh, I thought you broke up since Patrick met the new girl."
It takes courage to end a relationship!
In this guide you will find out how ESESA method that can be implemented immediatelyso that you don't have to be like Patrick who doesn't dare to end the relationship. Even though he is no longer interested in the relationship!
Your relationship deserves a peaceful and drama-free ending!
I will explain the 5 steps of the ESESA method to you in detail. In about 10 minutes you will know exactly how to end your relationship elegantly.
Here we go!
Ending a relationship: the 5 steps at a glance
The ESESA method consists of 5 steps. Click any of the steps below to jump straight there.
Basically, I recommend going chronologically and starting with step # 1.
You can find the 5 steps shown in detail in the following infographic:
The ESESA method consists of 5 steps that you take alternately for yourself and together with your partner.
So it is a process that ultimately leads to the separation interview.
So that this doesn't turn into a disaster, let's start with step # 1:
Step # 1: ME - Realizing that something is wrong in the relationship
That you wanted to end your relationship didn't suddenly occur to you when you opened your eyes this morning. Surely you've been weighing your options for a long time, feeling uncomfortable, thinking back and forth.
In a nutshell:
You break up when you are of the opinion, without your current partner (s): to be happier!
The desire to end the relationship sometimes creeps up quietly, like a tiger approaching its prey.
Only gradually do you notice yourself that you want to end the relationship more and more often.
Just the mental cinema can have a calming effect in an unhappy relationship. Many people let such mind games hold out longer that they could end the relationship.
You think through different scenarios, you feel a little better, but you don't take any action yet.
But after a while it becomes clearer and clearer. You mean business if you can say: "I am seriously considering ending my relationship."
Still sit on this impulse to brood and care for it.
The better you've brooded and thought about, the easier it will be when you eventually end your relationship.
This is how you determine whether a breakup can make sense
Consciously observe your everyday life and answer the following questions honestly for yourself:
- What is making me unhappy in my relationship right now?
- Why do I think that it would be easier or better without my: n partner: in?
- What can I not live out or experience through my current relationship?
- What would be without my: n current: n partner: in different?
- What will I be able to do if I ended the relationship?
You can find even more specific examples in our article Should I break up (click!).
Step # 2: WE - signal. Talk about what is bothering you
The signaling phase is the preliminary stage to the separation interview. It is particularly important because it allows your partner to notice
- that it won't go on forever
- that you are unhappy and
- Have a need for change.
So don't let everyday relationships go on as normal and don't play “ideal world”.
If things happen that you don't like, speak up right away.
This is how you address things
If you bring up something that bothers you, keep the following points in mind:
- Only address things in the current situation.
- Say right away! So don't wait 1 week until you finally address topics.
- Always be kind and respectful.
Examples of what you could say:
- “Martin, finally get your feet off the coffee table. I don't like it when you do that, because I'd like to kick you out. "
- “Sandra, you have already canceled our dinner together. I am not okay with that. I get angry and ask myself if I am even important to you! "
- “Alex, I don't feel like repeating myself over and over again. When I say NO, I mean no. Accept my limits! "
It doesn't work like that!
- "I'll end the relationship if you don't change that!" Why it doesn't work like this: Threaten with “end relationship”
- “You always forget our meal together! You never think of me! " Why it doesn't work like this: accusation and not being respectful
- "Actually, I was hoping all along that you would finally ask!" Injured: Not addressed right away
This direct honesty is extremely difficult for many people.
It is often easier to just be nice and nice and to swallow what bothers you. But in the end, what's the point?
Just pent-up anger that will explode at some point. Stop being a hassle collector and immediately say what doesn't suit you in the situation.
Actually, direct honesty is totally fair:
You treat the other person honestly and give them the opportunity to react to what is happening to you.
Your: e partner: in notices that you are not 100% happy and will react to it somehow.
Do you feel uncomfortable addressing those things that bother you?
From my experience as a relationship coach and couple counselor, I can tell you: You are not alone!
"Relationship" and how to communicate in a relationship are not learned at school ...
With my expertise from hundreds of coaching sessions with people in separation situations, I can support you in your process.
>>> Click here to find out more about my coaching offer!
Step # 3: ME - Make up your mind if you want to end the relationship
The detection and signaling phase is like a test that determines whether a tooth should be extracted or not.
You push around to feel how wild it wobbles and how much it hurts.
Now is the time to decide whether the tooth will come out or not.
You have two options:
- Either you say “yes” to: your partner: in, knowing that you can never change him / her.
- Or you say "yes" to finish and go through with it.
Of course, all is not always lost and you shouldn't end a relationship lightly.
Do you want to make an attempt to save your relationship? The ELMAR method gives you impulses and concrete guidelines!
The decision to end the relationship cannot be made for you and you have to make it for yourself.
In the blog article “Should I break up?” You will find comprehensive information on various reasons for separation, as well as Test questions for self-reflection.
The relationship scales and whether you should end the relationship
Every relationship has ups and downs. Complicated phases, disputes and relationship crises also occur. That is normal.
But how do you deal with it? Your relationship should enrich your life and not give you permanent cause for complaint.
Imagine putting good moments of your relationship on one bowl of the scales and everything that burdens you on the other bowl.
- How do the scales swing?
- What's your relationship balance?
- Do you come out stronger?
- Are you learning
- Is the relationship getting better or worse?
In concrete terms: Stick two pieces of paper on the wall. One has the positive and the other has the negative.
Complete them for a whole week, and by the end of the day you will have a thorough reflection list full of points on whether or not to end the relationship!
The biggest MISTAKES in ending a relationship
If you want to end your relationship, there are all sorts of no-gos that you should absolutely avoid.
- End relationship via WhatsApp. "Hey baby, I've thought about it, I want to end the relationship."
- say it your friends first. "Psst, don't tell anyone, but the day after tomorrow I'll break up with him!"
- Easy phase out. "Hmm, meet? Degree stressful, maybe next week. "
- To the birthday Call it quits. "Happy Birthday and a Happy New Year - without me!"
- A bizarre story to invent. "In the dream God told me to concentrate more on my paintings instead of you ..."
- In the Subway. "Have to get out at the next stop - by the way, that's it, from now on we always drive separately."
- Your partner saying, it was his fault. "You could have been more attentive!"
- With a Separation agency do. "Dear girlfriend, from now on you are an ex-girlfriend!"
- let us stay friends. "I don't love you anymore, but it's just enough for normal friends!"
- Feel guilty. "Oh dear, you poor! Now I'm leaving you, I'm such a bad person, every time I hurt people ... I'm just bad! "
- Little ones White lies. "My cat is so jealous of you."
- Then make another decision. "Hey, wasn’t meant like that. All right again, yes? Love forever!"
Step # 4: WE - End the relationship (hold a separation interview)
Once you've decided to end your relationship, the breakup talk is the next step.
There are 3 things to keep in mind:
- The right place and time for the separation interview.
- The correct announcement of the separation interview
- Conduct the separation interview properly.
Do you need personal support with your separation?
Separation is never easy. Perhaps you need personal help to go through this process?
Or maybe your situation is particularly special and tricky?
As a relationship coach and couple counselor, I have supported hundreds of people in separation situations over the past few years.
Benefit from my personal expertise and get separation coaching from me now.
>>> Click here and find out more about my coaching offer!
The right place and time to end the relationship
Imagine going to the cinema with your partner and having a drink afterwards he / she breaks up with you.
The tactic: "Now I'm nice so that I can push it into him / her", is not very respectful.
Ending the relationship means having a clear, honest conversation in which you say you want to break up.
The place to end the relationship should meet these criteria:
- Be comfortable and familiar
- You should be able to remain unobserved there and be able to express feelings.
- Can be left separately (i.e. not a 2-hour drive together!)
So maybe just in the living room or on a nice bench in the garden? Breaking up doesn't happen in the blink of an eye.
If you are planning a breakup talk, make sure you do it so that you are not pressed for time.
So you now have enough time and are in the right place with your partner. When you leave here again, everything will be different. You will be ex-partners.
Announce the separation interview
"Honey, we need to talk!"
With this sentence, everyone's going to be cold as ice. So let it stay!
Instead, make sure:
- Is the detection phase complete? (You wonder if you want to end the relationship.)
- Signaling phase completed? (You address in specific situations what is bothering you right now.)
- Decision phase completed? (You made the decision to end the relationship.)
Because of the signaling phase, your partner knows that you are not doing well in the relationship at the moment.
You can tell your partner openly and honestly: "I'm not well, I want to talk to you about it [at the chosen separation point and at your considered time]!"
If your: e partner: talks back roughly, wants to do it right now or wants to find out more.
Stick to what you came up with! Don't go into it if you don't like it.
Conduct the separation interview
Say what's up Get to the point quickly!
Be brave! Clear honesty is the order of the day. There's no point in avoiding the bush. And certainly nothing to use empty phrases or excuses.
Remember the signaling phase.
- What bothered you
- And how did your: e partner: in react to that?
Tell your partner that you don't want to live with it and that it is incompatible with your world.
According to the principle:
Everyone can do what they want, but no one is allowed to demand that the other endure.
All separations very, very small broken down to a common denominator are:
“I am convinced that our lives do not lead to happiness together, but rather separately. I want to go on my way without you now. "
Now the fine art of separation lies in adapting this general conviction to your situation and formulating it in such a way that your partner can also understand it.
Here are a few examples:
- I'm not doing well in the relationship.
- I don't feel completely fulfilled.
- I need something else.
- I want us to end the relationship.
- It was nice, I learned a lot and loved you very much. But I don't want to and can't go on like this.
- Let us separate so that we can both find happiness separately.
NEVER use the following phrases!
- "It's not you, it's me." Hollywood booze? Not correct. Unfortunately, many people actually use this useless statement. Honestly, what does the partner have in it? The person with whom you had a relationship deserves better statements than empty phrases.
- "I'm not good enough for you." This sentence tries to avoid a conflict and to find a cheap way out. It is better to take all the blame on yourself before facing the truth: it depends on what happened between you and what you made of it.
- "Let us stay friends." This statement is like a plaster on an open fracture: a nice try, but completely out of place. Better leave that cheap excuse and see what works by itself. Maybe you will manage to be really friends again after a while. But first the current relationship has to be ended.
- "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." This sentence is a classic tactic to escape guiltlessly. Whether or not you are ready for a relationship should be considered in advance. Instead of using this phrase, talk about what the other person triggers in you.
Don't blame anyone!
Even if it seems temptingly simple, you better stay away from it: accusations!
That's not how it works:
- “You are so terribly moody. You always tell me in retrospect what you would have wanted from me! You are just exhausting! "
- “You always let the work come first, it is certainly much more important to you than me! You never really loved me at all, I think, you just like to have a jewelry woman! "
The search for debt will lead the conversation to the point that you get bogged down in small and unimportant details and get back into old controversy.
The separation interview is not about who was right or who is more exhausting. The point here is to say that you no longer want and can no longer do this.
Even if it is difficult for you, recognize your counterpart as a full-fledged person who you cannot change.
This is how it can be done:
- “When we talk to each other, we are very different. Often I only know in retrospect what you wanted from me. I don't feel like guessing all the time. "
- “I am home alone so often while you are at work. I think your work is very important to you. I want a man who takes as much time for me as you do for your work. And I know that you are not like that and I cannot change you. I want to break up. "
You lead the conversation
Your: e partner: in will certainly respond to your words in some way.
You may have played through the conversation in your head a few times and prepared for it. You have thought of reasons, you know exactly what you are talking about and how you are.
Your: e partner: in not! For your: n partner: in all of this is pretty new and he / she has a much higher stress situation than you.
So it's up to you to lead the conversation and catch whatever comes.
Perhaps the other person responds with a burst of anger, a pile of tears, or starts arguing. Or maybe he / she just gets up and leaves.
Whatever happens, stay there, take it, and convey that you are here now to talk about it, answer questions, and come to an end together.
Even if you would like to talk back or argue - don't do it.
Stand by your decision
My friend Tanja had been grappling with the idea of separation for weeks and then decided that she wanted to end the relationship.
When she announced this to her boyfriend, he immediately burst into bitter tears. Seeing the man she once loved really cry made her totally insecure.
She began to doubt whether she should really end the relationship. So Tanja said in her caring way: "Oh come on, let's try it again ..."
In the end, Tanja split up three weeks later, and her boyfriend's heartache and separation time increased by her withdrawal.
Even if false hopes are relieving, they are false and increase suffering in the long run.
Because who would want the partner (s) to stay with you out of pity?
You can expect everyone to have their own fate!
(See below for more on this.)
Talk about your feelings
Are feelings for wimps?
On the contrary:
Recognizing and communicating one's feelings is one of the greatest challenges even for experienced people.
You stand almost naked in front of the other, who could shamelessly take advantage of this and make fun of you.
Then why should you talk about your feelings at all? Expressed, honest feelings deepen a conversation and make it authentic, honest and very personal.
When feelings are openly discussed, they change. Almost as if they were floating in space like invisible ghosts demanding their place.
When hard-to-digest feelings have been named and shared, they feel lighter and more peaceful.
The most common emotional reactions and how to deal with them
Relax yourself! Most of the breakups are amicable, and the climate is cloudy and cumbersome.
But if violent storms approach, you will find out here how you can support your: n partner: in when he / she reacts violently emotionally.
Help, my: e partner: in is crying!
Do not say: “Don't cry. Everything will be fine again. " In a situation like this, it seems like a fool.
The most important thing you can do is STAY - and breathe. To breathe? Yes.
Most people are afraid of violent emotions and then only breathe intermittently.
You can always feel the other's breath intuitively, and if you continue to breathe deeply, hand the other person a handkerchief and stay there, the partner's breath will soon calm down again.
A yeasty outburst lasts no more than five minutes at its peak.
If you allow the emotions with you and your partner: in, stay there and breathe calmly, you show understanding, empathy and respect.
What to do when I feel angry
If you are threatened with violence: get away! Get support! With verbal outbursts of anger, attempts to explain are totally pointless. No matter what you say, it will twist in your mouth.
If your: e partner is not ready to talk calmly about ending the relationship, then that was it. He / she now knows what you want, and that's all right now. Exit the scene.
If you still have to clear things up or pick them up, it is better to do that at a later point in time.
I am promised to get better!
In a separation interview, one often hears the following statements:
- "Oh, I didn't know that this was so important to you, from now on I will ...!"
- "I will never again ...!"
- "I'm a new person from now on!"
If your: e partner reacts with promises to your separation statement, then make sure that you have actually done step # 2, the signaling!
Did you clearly say in the respective situation that you did not want to be like that?
Has your: e partner: completely changed in himself?
Then take poison on it:
It won't happen now either.
People can change, that is clear.
However, nobody should bend over to someone else, especially not at the risk of being abandoned.
How you deal with future contact
The world is a village - you will probably meet again. On Facebook, by chance in the coffee shop or in the same circle of friends.
In the separation interview, discuss what this contact should look like. Ideally, you still get on well as humans, but you are no longer romantic partners.
Future contact can cover a wide range:
From a quick nod to a smile, or even one "Do you have a minute, what's new?" everything is possible.
What is right for you?
Step # 5: I - Accept and move on strengthened
Time to take a deep breath! Congratulations, you've done what you think was best for you.
Now you consciously continue your path in life on your own until you decide on a new relationship.
Still, it's important to heal your heart after a breakup - even after you've ended the relationship.
This is what the course is about in great detail Heal your heart Click here to read more!
The following may come up and be important after the relationship ends:
Feelings of guilt after ending the relationship
Many people feel guilty for breaking up. You have a very guilty conscience.
No matter how smoothly it goes, ended relationships trigger sad feelings.
Here are some good ways to deal with feelings of guilt:
Encourage your: r partner: in his / her life too. Everyone goes through losses and separations and develops strategies to deal with them in the course of their lives.
Otherwise your: partner: in would not have made it this far. You can expect your: your partner: to get over you.
If you trust that he / she can handle the breakup well, then you are giving him / her valuable resources. You treat him / her as equals and not like a poor, defenseless victim.
Here's how to NOT treat someone on an equal footing:
“It breaks my heart that I have to see you cry like that now, I feel so sorry for you! You will somehow manage it, take it easy for the next few days and rest! "
This is how you do it better:
“I'm sorry to help make you feel this way now. Please feel within yourself what you need now and what is your turn to do now. Take good care of yourself and make sure that you are fine. "
The second statement empowers your current ex-partner to grow with the situation instead of being left as a poor victim.
FACT: You have the right to break up AT ANY TIME.
You can leave your: e partner: in or end the relationship and feel better afterwards.
Should I write to the ex?
Immediately after the separation, it is often unfamiliar for both of them to be alone and one begins to write to each other. Before you do that, consider:
- Is it not about his / her, but primarily about my well-being?
- Am I creating false hopes?
- Do I do it out of habit because it is convenient and I have nothing else to do?
If you answer two of these questions with "YES": Let it be! Do not write.
Rather write joy to others, or take a long shower.
The other way round:
If you are constantly being contacted, he / she wants to talk again or sends sad smileys, consider:
- Is it still my role and duty to take care of his / her well-being?
- Would I save him / her and give false hopes if I went into it?
- Am I the only person in this world who can help him / her?
If you answer YES to more than two questions, then: LET IT BE!
Answer in clear, short messages and refer your: e sad ex-partner: in to friends.
This is how you learn from the breakup
The calm after the storm. Now it's over, over! It can be that you are now totally relieved and relaxed or that you suddenly feel empty and slightly sad.
Even after you've ended the relationship, a breakup always tears a hole in your heart.
In our course Heal your heart you will learn how you can emerge stronger from the separation and how you can come to a peaceful end with the past.
So that the future becomes YOUR future.
>>> Click here to leave your relationship behind you!
Anyway, these questions are easy to deal with, reflect on and learn from:
- Past: What went well? What have I learned?
- Future: What do I take away from it? What will i work on?
- Now: what do I need now? What's up now?
So, enough input from me, now it's your turn! How did your breakup go
Or maybe you have one more question before you do.
Just write a comment below!
See you soon.
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