How can I impress school girls

This is how you land with girls (a guide by girls for boys)

Spend too much time online and you will conclude that young men today fall into one of two categories: hypersensitive pups trying to buy true love, or guys who think flirting is getting hooked drinking and shouting rape threats at girls in the street with a traffic cone acting as a megaphone. Even if this picture is not one hundred percent true, it seems that too many guys have either subscribed to the love formula or Barney Stinson's "Bro Code" as a seduction scheme, and to be honest, both approaches are about as erotic for us as the idea of Elephant people getting fingered in the hot tub.

Of course we know that you are not all flat wankers. But the fact is that today's boys really let themselves go when they flirt. Finding a woman who loves you has nothing to do with putting a burlap sack over her head and loading her onto a cart. It also has nothing to do with coming up with some disgusting pick-up artist sayings and trying to get a fuck on her. We don't require you to be Rainer Maria Rilke; we just want to be courted and we don't want you guys to be assholes at it.

Dating in the post-FHM era is a romantic, political, and legal minefield, so here's a guide that will guide you through the painful art of girl-hooking.

Social media and dating apps

Don't try to pretend you haven't spent every bathroom break this month staring hungry through bikini photos of girls on Tinder. We know the whole dating app thing isn't "new territory" to you, and you don't seem to find it "strange" either. The only weird part is that you've just spent 15 minutes on the LinkedIn profile of a total stranger from Happn (Hi! We can see it if you do this by the way!). We're all desperate and shallow and lonely so don't pretend we don't.

Never call yourself "gin enthusiastic" or "coffee snob" in your bio. Drinks are not a substitute for a personality. You don't necessarily have to state your height, but it would be naive to assume that the girl doesn't care, so put in a full body picture that shows the size ratio, for example a roller coaster sign that shows the minimum height to ride on Door or, if you're really small, a fifty-cent piece or a cat.

From now on you should regard the following topics as taboo in the Tinder chat: your crazy weekend plans; your undoubtedly bad hangover that you will have as a result of these plans; Genres of music; which high school subjects you had; Vacations. Flirting with a total stranger is totally unnecessary - just ask her out on a date. It's 2015, half of your job is already done: don't take an app that is solely made to help lonely people have sex and then use it to feed girls with old camels. If you're still stuck in Tinder small talk about their "summer plans" or the exact location of their office, you've screwed it up.

Talk to us in real life

Many of you have gotten so used to copying and pasting "Well, still awake?" To your 47 Tinder matches that you've forgotten how to talk to us in person. Remember, there are times a girl just doesn't want to be talked to - if we look like we've just come from a wild night, for example, or in front of an abortion clinic.

Other than that, we don't really have a problem with being wooed anywhere. The fact is, no matter how cynical the girl may be, it's a really pleasant thought that someone will still want to screw us, even if we're smacking our faces on the Labello subway and thinking of schnitzel. It may be awkward, but awkward charm (as Hugh Grant sounds) is better than no charm at all, guys! Addressing a girl in an atypical situation requires eggs. Girls are very fond of eggs. Not to look at. Don't show us your balls. Don't text us your balls. But talk to us (about things other than your eggs and the size of your eggs).

House Parties - A Place To Land Up With Women?

In a perfect world, we single women would walk around our necks with a vial full of tears of loneliness, or wear our loneliness as a decorative brooch. But unfortunately, you're going to have to play a grueling round of bullshit badminton to find out if we're single. House parties are especially nerve-wracking for this reason: the chances are you are trying a girl while you are sitting next to her boyfriend on his bed. It might sound simple, but the quickest way to avoid scenarios like this is to just ask her who she is there with.

Everyone knows that house parties are out of steam at around four in the morning, for example when the last bottle of Cinzano is empty and the angriest roommate marches around in her anti-slip socks, cursing. It's your last chance to magnetically attract those dangerous party girls who wear bangles around their upper arms, so you really should have a few aces up your sleeve. And we're not talking about another line of pep in the microwave — we're talking about money for a cab, a bottle of Smirnoff, and (the prospect of) a better party. If she wants to screw you / is high enough to believe there will be a good house party at four o'clock, then she goes along with this bullshit. Contrary to all expectations, single people are always overwhelmingly optimistic about the rest of the night.

As fun as house parties are, they can get a bit dreary when you're in your early twenties. That's because you'll have already systematically banged your way through your immediate circle of friends and their halfway attractive girlfriends ("just try it out"). However, you can still approach people the good old-fashioned way, and this is where clubs, bars, and smoking areas reveal their true reason for existence.

Has anyone ever met on a dance floor north of Palma? We're not sure, but it seems unlikely. If, like so many, you are not that good at communicating with the rhythm of your body, then maybe just talk to her at the bar. Don't be put off by her ice princess face, or the fact that she's turned her back on you, or that she's been trying to get a drink for five minutes and doesn't want to take her eyes off the bartender: smile at her. Introduce yourself. Buy her a drink. Feminism may have put an end to chivalry, but everyone likes to get something for free.

How can you judge at this point whether she's into you?

- Your friends seem a little annoyed by her
- She tries a lot to fool you
- She does the opposite of nostril distension
- She never mentioned shit once
- She doesn't eat a hot dog
- She touched your upper arm (that really means something, read it up)

Smoking areas are the best place to get a girl clear

If you are determined to find love in real life, the best place to start a conversation is in the smoking area. It's well known that the best flirtatious conversation happens when you're huddled together in the dark like cattle outside the slaughterhouse, so go puff! If you don't smoke, then you just have to pretend. Nobody has ever shagged all the bad girls for guarding a battery of handbags in the chill out area, right?

Smoking cigarettes from girls is not as good a way to start a conversation as — sad but true — a lighter. Do you remember someone at school once saying that lighting a girl's cigarette is like having a third of having sex with her? Well he was right. When that metaphorical third is the part where you prematurely ejaculate her belly button.

Nothing in the world is more uncomfortable than that moment of silence while you are trying to light a girl's cigarette in the wind, so just pass us the lighter. And don't walk around with a Zippo, buddy; you're not a die-hard detective in a film noir.

Photo by Chloe Orefice

Make her friends melt away with your charm

Once you've managed to target the hottest buffalo in the herd on your sexual safari, it would be wise not to underestimate the group's instincts. Her best friend will see you through to your back, and she has no qualms about trampling you if the overnight visit you are planning destroys her brunch plans. Your penis's dissolute cravings will cost her the poached egg photo that would have completed her Instagram, and she won't let that happen. This is how you handle our friends carefully:

- Pick one of us and stick with it
Aside from making sure no one likes to play second fiddle, all you are going to do is divide your attention too widely, repeat the same shitty jokes, and generally make yourself unpopular with absolutely everyone. And don't try to force either of us into a threesome; you're not Dan Bilzerian, and being asked to romp around naked with one of her childhood friends isn't (so, so obviously) a good way to generate sympathy with a girl you've just met.

- Be nice to our friends
We may not want you to flirt with our girlfriends, but we want them to like you well enough to get jealous. So please try to have a chat with them. You should probably find out who the leader of the group is as early as possible and then get her on your side because she'll be the sloppy one who says, “Nicole is too drunk and now we have to go get her all fries with that the crying stops. "She will be the one who will silently tell your sweet Julia" NOW "across the bar and then star you straight in the eye like a kind of dot-pattern Medusa. She'll be the one who doesn't have a problem with “Really now? The? "to whisper and point at you while your crush's hand apologetically releases from yours. It doesn't matter how many members of the Kraftklub you went to school with, now you're old news.

Ask yourself the big questions: “Did we kiss? Is she only talking to me because I'm blocking the door to the ladies toilet? Is she stuck here because I'm sitting on her coat?

Excavator sayings, gimmicks, negging and "technology"

You can't really imagine what it is like to be a woman until you've been informed that you are a shitty dancer by an overweight man in a felt hat, by a man who's been a copywriter for an as-yet-developed entertainment -App worked for children, was informed that your job sucks, because "what is the added value of PR for the world?" And was called a loser by a man with a pin mustache because you had a rain jacket on when it rained.

What do all these assholes have in common? Well, have you ever heard of Neil Strauss? He's a bastard living under a rock who looks like he has perfected the art of buffing his scalp and penis at the same time, and he's written a bunch of books and has been the inspiration for many more books telling lonely men That the way to a woman's heart is to be a mean bastard.

Neil, anything "negro" in the world wouldn't make your turnip any less shiny. Perhaps you enjoy the idea of ​​having sex with a woman whose confidence is so fragile that she really cares what you think of the pattern on her pants But let's get that straight about the negging once and for all: it doesn't arouse our curiosity and it doesn't make you seem interesting. If you think we're so intimidating that the only way to get us on your level is through insults are, maybe we're just a number too good for you? Besides: we know everyone by now The perfect mesh. It's been in the market for literally a decade now, dude. Most of us had our first experience with pick-up artists when we snuck into the club with a fake ID just so a Julian Assange-esque weasel could tell us about his palm-reading skills.

How you bring up that we're going to have sex

This is the turning point: addressing the topic of sex, like putting your cock on the table garnished with a little parsley. It all depends on your sense of that delicate balance, that perfect moment. You smoke at a gas station right now, and you have to avoid saying things like "I want to get you wet" when you're trying to come off smooth. Saying dirty things out loud, in real life, can get a man into rotting tinder faster -Spam transform when you can say "anti-rape alert". Often it can be the subtleties of your behavior that decide whether we feel a tug in our abdomen or whether we want to call the police.

If you have doubts whether you should invite us to your home, feel free to try it. Often the difference between a creep and a potential rendezvous partner is the sympathy we feel for the latter. “Ask yourself the big questions:“ Have we kissed? Is she only talking to me because I'm blocking the door to the ladies toilet? Is she stuck here because I'm on her coat? "Remember, if you're not Scandinavian, then it will never feel natural for you to offer sex to a woman. This is not the time for your nervous metaphors or your" let go. " get out of here, honey ". And please, really never say "nightcap" - you don't get a midnight grappa at Campo de Fiori, but rather toy with the idea of ​​smuggling a beer into the night bus for when you are out and about.

Photo by Jake Lewis

How not to screw it up when you're at your home

So this is it. Everyone wants to fuck. Show time. Kickoff. Welcome to fuck, resident: you and this girl you've been talking to for less than four hours.

Ambience is important in this situation - until a guy has made his bed new in front of you before you can get in, you don't know how important it is to have an ambience prepared in advance. You are not a real estate agent. She doesn't want a tour of your house. Go straight to your room with her. Hell knows what happens to you guys when you get home - maybe it's the Pringles semen oozing from your bedspreads - but this is where you are able to ruin a whole night of successful courtship.

Don't: Don't pick up the musical instrument in the corner of the room and start playing it. Don't: Don't warn us that you are not emotionally ready for any relationship while unbuttoning your pants. Choose your sex music wisely: D'Angelo is way too obvious and the XX suggests that you are really watching the Brit Awards on TV. And don't say "Lümmeltüte" unless you are so sexy that even Palatinate sounds hot to you. Of course you should wear one, but don't say "Lümmeltüte".

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