How do I fix a broken family
How can you fix a broken relationship (before it's too late)?
I have already had a number of relationships in my life and I am also very much concerned with the subject of relationships.
Especially through the podcast: Couch Whispers, which I started together with Sinah, we get the same questions over and over again:
"How can I still save my relationship?" / "Can you save a relationship at all?"
One thing has always bothered me most about this topic, that many people are not ready to fight for love and their relationship.
Relationships are not a throw-away product. You won't find the ultimate perfect person. There will always be problems.
Most of the time the problems lie in ourselves and not with the other and we will always come to the same point, no matter with which partner.
But I would like to add that I am talking about a relationship where there is no violence or the like in the room. But if you just argue more and you have the feeling that you cannot deal with your problems together.
Why fight for a relationship that only makes you feel negative?
Everyone can feel whether the whole thing still makes sense. You can feel it when it's finally over. But if there is always a spark or shared dreams, then give it a try.
It can't get worse than finally admitting that it doesn't make sense. But maybe if you talk about it more openly, you can create a peaceful breakup.
In all parts of our daily life we need to take responsibility for our actions, empower ourselves, and listen without trying to defend ourselves. Compassion is easier to discuss than action, but it enables us to enjoy our lives to a much greater extent when we step toward each other rather than walking away from each other.
Approaching our broken relationships with compassion can heal the pain, sadness, and anger within us that may prevent us from living joyfully and optimistically. As we try to improve our relationships through kindness, compassion, and understanding, we will find that people's hostility towards us diminishes as the world reflects and honestly reflects our own thoughts.
We all make mistakes and we all wanted a second (and third and fourth) chance. Open, honest communication and compassion alleviate and avoid the bitterness that can spoil a perfectly peaceful and loving life.
When you feel that you only feel more frustration for the person opposite you and that you get an unspeakable anger when he / she does something that confirms your assumption about the person. Well, welcome to the vicious circle. I can tell you one thing, you are not alone. Many couples feel the same way and that's why I worked with a couples therapist on this article. However, this is not a panacea, but a simple aid.
There are many ways to repair a relationship.
Most important point: it's not just part of the partnership's fault.
It is the easiest way to put all the blame on your partner.
But even if you don't think the problem is your fault, you're still in control of your reactions. When we respond to someone, we often say and do things that are hurtful when we feel hurt. This only makes the problem worse.
I know it's hard to swallow this resentment that you may feel in yourself and you don't always have to give in. Not at all. But if you still care about the relationship, you have to admit that you are probably as much to blame as your partner.
Now that's a tough example and I don't want to justify anyone by that, but I think it makes it clearer.
An acquaintance (Person A) of mine was betrayed by her boyfriend (Person B). Usually now only the cheater is blamed and it becomes clear that their behavior was 100% wrong. But why did it come to that?
You don't cheat when everything fits, you cheat when you have the feeling of a lack. Of course, in this case too, the partner who was cheated cannot help it. Because in truth, person B could have expressed his wishes in advance. Is it because he would have liked more variety or does he feel that person A is not paying enough attention to it? And why does this feeling arise in him at all?
Often such questions are deeply anchored in our childhood and I can recommend the books "Everyone is capable of relating" and "The inner child in me must find a home", both by Stefanie Stahl, for those who want to delve deeper into them.
But back to the question of guilt!
To improve a relationship where you feel you are not to blame, talk to an objective third party about it. It often helps to see more clearly again.
Arguments with the partner trigger complex emotions.
Often these emotions trigger more in us than the actual argument and often these emotions actually come from our childhood.
I would like to quote something from the book “The child in you must find a home”. “Michael always gets tantrums when his partner Sabine forgets something that is important to him. The other day she forgot his favorite sausage while shopping, and he really freaked out. Sabine was stunned - for her you just missed sausage ... “In the end, it's not about the sausage either. As a child, Michael had the feeling that his mother did not take his wishes seriously. He is not aware of this deep hurt and so conflicts like this one will keep coming back. Regardless of which partner.
Another point is, don't assume that your partner was deliberately trying to hurt you or that they are even a bad person.
When we are hurt or angry, we often see the other person only in the negative context of the argument and we no longer focus on the good qualities and human emotions that the other person naturally also has.
Think about possible motivations for the actions that caused the problem in order to overcome the resentment your brain is causing. Try to understand your point of view, the pain, and the circumstances of your loved one without judging them. Show empathy! It's not about being right or proving your point. The goal is to hold your relationship back together by starting to develop more compassion.
If your partner behaved wrongly in your eyes, just try to ignore your negative feelings and ask yourself how it all happened for your partner.
I know that is often very difficult. Because you just think to yourself, why does it always have to be this way and why can't he / she do it differently if we have already gone through it so often anyway.
How much did you do differently yourself in the situation?
What do the negative thoughts bring you other than that you will lose your partner in the long run?
Before the argument broke out, did you do anything differently than usual? I know if you think you are not the cause of the problem, why should you act differently? But then you always find yourself at the same point.
I had a relationship years ago where I was at this point. My expectation was that my partner would change. But I didn't try to change my behavior, because inside I didn't want the relationship anymore, but I was too scared of the thought of being alone or I liked the way my partner tried to look after me and in truth I sabotaged the relationship. I only recently realized this. Because actually my partner at the time couldn't do anything right, because I didn't want this anymore.
In the end, it was perfectly fine that we broke up. We had different goals in life. But we both inflicted a lot of pain up to then and it is really not easy for me to say that, but it was also very much up to me.
Which is why I recommend everyone who is currently struggling with their relationship to ask what are the common goals and values? But I've attached a questionnaire below that can help a little.
How To Solve The Pain Of The Past!
The words and actions of a loved one can cut us like a knife. These wounds are slow to heal and keep gaping. A wrong word can be taken quickly to heart. When we are in a painful situation, our brains often let us experience that pain again, which over time makes us subconsciously reminiscent of it and ruins our ability to process our differences with the other person. The key word here is "differences". It's not that one person was right and the other was wrong. It rarely happens that someone chooses mean to cause willful harm. Instead, it is usually confusion, uncertainty, or stress that causes these situations. Our differences are just different viewpoints and experiences of the same moment.
To overcome our differences, there are useful techniques that we can implement. The first is to commit to listening to the other person's experiences and feelings. This will help us see from their eyes. It will help us understand their past and how it affected their own life experience. Perhaps they were bullied or abused as a child and have low self-esteem that now puts them on the defensive.
After taking the time to listen, we need to tell them our intention to improve the relationship. Planting this seed enables new growth and healing in a positive direction. It begins to create new emotions in the dynamic between you and this person to ease the tension.
However, both of them have to say very clearly that I want to work on it. Because if only one partner is still fighting for the relationship and the other is not, you will always come to the same point.
That's why it's now: Everything on the table! Both the good, the bad, and the ugly in your relationship.
I advise not only to talk about it, but also to write it down.
Writing it down helps not only to have identified the problems in black and white, but also better clarifies unfulfilled expectations.
Even if you have the feeling that your relationship can no longer be repaired, this may still help you or it will also help you to break away from it more easily.
The relationship questionnaire
Copy the questions out, answer them for you and then discuss them with your partner. But don't go into a dispute again just because you don't like the answers, but explain why you feel that way. Why does anger and sadness come up when you hear the answer? Question your thoughts and feelings!
- Do you love your partner How do you know?
- What exactly do you love about him / her?
- Do you feel loved How do you know that your partner still loves you?
- Why did you choose this partner?
- Do you enjoy spending time together (watching Netflix doesn't count)?
- What's your biggest problem?
- Where do you want to go? (Growing old together, raising children, family, house, dog, travel, career, leisure time, fun, laughter, sex, closeness, surviving crises, ...)
- What makes a good relationship for you guys?
- How would you know that your relationship is saved?
- How do you want to feel
- Why do you want to achieve this?
They are simple questions and I worked them out together with a coach.
In her opinion, it is important to write everything down precisely. What is important to you? What do you want to change? Who does what? When do you have to show the first results? For example: “we always argue when we leave” -> goal: not to argue any more. But how do you get there?
A goal is not reached overnight, but in stages. Make milestones together. Because no longer arguing is impossible and also not really measurable.
Instead, reward yourself, every time you had a great evening with friends, there is something positive. It can also be just a small gesture, like having coffee and cake together. Generally reward yourself, but also punish bad behavior. One of you is just whining about the other again? For every nagging you have to throw € 2 into a piggy bank.
It is important that you notice bad but also good behavior more again and even if this is sometimes subjective, you can also build on understanding. Hearing that you're doing something wrong all the time doesn't help anyone.
And whoever now says he's too stupid to do something like that. Also OK. But what if it helps? What if you get a loving relationship back through a piggy bank?
But one thing is also certain, there has to be a clear YES to this partner. No we will see and if you do then then. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. It takes a resounding YES.
If you can't give that YES, you will continue to sabotage this relationship. Nothing is worse for our brain than massive effort that doesn't bring anything. If you think you are doing and doing, but it is hopeless anyway and does not help, you will reduce your commitment.
Unfortunately, our brain remembers the negative more easily than the positive. Consciously draw your attention to the positive. Therefore, perceive your successes and share them with you. Celebrate them!
You can find more texts on the topic of love & relationship here!
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