Do you remember your first blowjob?

The VICE Guide to Blowjobs

Cover photo: Nicola Jones | flickr.com |CC by 2.0

After the overwhelming response that every type of VICE Guide generates, we felt compelled to give you some help this time so that you know what to do if you put a penis in your mouth if the worst comes to the worst. After interviewing loads of girls and exactly one gay person, Linda Gondelle gives you this all-encompassing guide that deals with every imaginable facet of how to suck the cocks of others.

Blow job on someone is an art form that I didn't perfect until I was in my mid-twenties. Before that, I was constantly confused, mostly drunk, or wondered why I was constantly being kicked. Back then I had good resolutions, concentrated and really worked hard - but I also had an overbite and at least two glasses of wine too much each time.

That was in high school. How should I know better? Then I met Yves, the prototype of the older friend, and because he was from Montreal he was used to being pampered in the finest French way by the royal girls from France, the "filles de roi". A girl from Ontario could queue up in the back. Today, however, people say that I play the flute, I quote: "stunning", "the coolest" or just "epic". The phenomenal research done by VICE, combined with my experience, is now available to you. Here we go!

1) Don't put everything on one card when blowing

Before we start with the basics here, let's first look at the budget. You have sex for about 20 minutes during one night. If you've already spent 15 of them sucking him, you only have five minutes for the rest. That's why I recommend: Save blowjobs for the morning, afternoon, or when you have your period. You want to be laid flat after all.

2) The nasty molar woman

Your teeth don't exist. You could just as easily stand in a glass under the bed. Just imagine trying to have a super cold ice cream after the dentist has crowned all of your teeth that are still very sensitive. You have to create a cavity with your mouth and suck in its best piece with your tongue and roof of your mouth to keep it away from your teeth. Never forget this while giving him a blowjob. This can easily happen, especially when you're drunk. A little trick is to pull your lips over your teeth like a boxing mouthguard.

3) The right basic setting

The key to blowing success is concentration. You just have to totally hang in there. Concentrate only on this one task, even though you don't get any of it yourself. Do you remember how you had to make an effort as a kid not to get half of your ice cream on your blouse? Why do you think lube is also made in your favorite ice cream flavor? According to Pavlov, this triggers a state of concentration and gives you the will to bring it to an end. Just think of good oral sex as the ultimate pacifier replacement.

We're not talking about half-hearted licking around until it stiffens so you can stick it somewhere. This is the most decent form of "making love" that I know of. If you're not ready to trust him and give yourself up to the penis, don't even try.

You have to worship his cock like you are Indiana Jones and he is your golden idol. (If this penis cult makes you feel like you're vulnerable, it's probably just because he's a macho asshole and you're sucking the wrong guy.) Remember, this is a psychosexual paradox. You suck him and he gets his cock sucked by you. You are the slave of his lust and at the same time have absolute control over him. You are the main actress in your own film, which you are directing and writing the script yourself.

Don't just stop smooching and dive downstairs. Prepare your landing site by hand and massage its part until it's really hard. Make him feel like he's getting down to business right away, but don't start until he's on the verge of going insane.

You have to rub it through your jeans, rub it like you are giving birth to an ermine baby. Unfasten his belt with a firm hand, just like it was your own. Try not to be clumsy about this, but hey, it's okay if you get help. Don't get fired before you've even got to work. Talking is definitely an advantage, most guys are really scared of turning down a blowjob, no matter how bad they think you are. Making sure he's having fun without looking like you have no idea what you're doing here is one of the hardest things about blowing.

My special tip: Don't do any shit with the zipper. If you pinch his tail, it's over. Pull the zipper outward, away from his penis. Don't just tear it down, even if the name suggests it. It's best to use two hands, especially if his part is large and he's not wearing underwear.

The way to success: If he wants to control his own journey (by placing his hands over or on top of your head), then read the signs and carefully ask questions. Are you too fast, too hard, too soft or too slow? Without a map or long discussion, of course. One or two short words - a loud moaned "oooohhmmmgenausooo" or "Ohhhh, yes" - are enough.

Put your hand in his panties. The ermine baby is afraid of being born and has to get used to your hand first. It has to feel safe to get out. Hold your head above his groin for five seconds (not too long, or you will look like a lurking bird of prey about to pounce on him, and he will get inhibitions.)

My special tip: if he starts pushing your head down, don't hit his hand away. Take it gently and put it on its side. Hold it a little as if to say, "Relax. I'm in control." By the way, where did you get to know this guy again?

7) Now the eggs come into the basket

There is something we haven't paid any attention to before. The mouth and hands first have to do a little preparatory work. Hold and massage his balls with the wrong hand, on the left for most of us. They can wear off a bit, but only if you work them with your damp tongue. Find his balls with your mouth by burying your face in his crotch, then put one of them in your mouth and make it slippery with your spit. Don't worry, it can get really wet down there.

Now you need a dexterous hand so that you can encircle its entire shaft with your hand and mouth. Everything is wet with your spit and don't forget you have no teeth. Your personal mantra is: No teeth, I have no teeth, I only have the roof of the mouth, lips, tongue. No teeth. At the base of the penis, mouth and hand meet and your tongue licks up the shaft with even more spit. The wet hand goes up and down on his stand and forefinger and thumb become the extension of your mouth. Groan about it, because you don't know each other very well.

Now that you've figured it out, don't let go and don't take your mouth off.

The whole thing looks like this in the close-up: Your mouth is bloated, your lips are pressed together like an anus and your tongue pushes his cock into your moist oral cavity. With the right hand on the root of his stand and the other rub his balls firmly but soulfully. Your teeth are not on the guest list here.

Now that you've figured it out, don't let go and don't take your mouth off. Don't choke, you've barely found your rhythm. You are just starting foreplay with your wet rum licking and are about to find the right mix of gliding and rubbing. No kindergarten shit here: hang in with your mouth full, hand and verve. The whole thing should run like a well-oiled, slowly spinning engine preparing to shift into the next gear. My special tip: Look him in the eye the first time your mouth introduces his cock. Don't forget that this movie is burned into his mind and that he shouldn't think of anything else while jerking off for the next few decades. Of course, you can also jerk him off from time to time. Is a nice change for everyone involved.

He will instinctively begin to wiggle back and forth. Never stop calling, but make sure you're a little wrong so he doesn't get cocky. It's important to prevent him from face-fucking you. You control the pace here.

Your hand should form a tube that lines up with your mouth like a skirt, with your thumb and forefinger as a belt that connects to your lips. Keep it moist and just don't get stiff. Your other fingers can also do something while your mouth and tongue slide up and down on his stand. Most of the feeling is in the tip of the penis, so don't waste too much time on the shaft. The desired pace is something like the children's song "Pop goes the Weasel", played at half speed. Never lose your rhythm and concentrate on the way your mouth goes up and down the tip of the penis.

Every guy notices if you are hurrying so that it is finally over and he is calm.

By now you should have enclosed the shaft well with both hands in a tangle of fingers and spit. Loosen your grip on the way down and apply a little more pressure as you go up, slide down, and then back up. The mouth stays on the tip, deep down, then all the way up again. Your hands have to help out here, your mouth can't do all the work.
The goal here is not orgasm. Don't have false expectations. We're at the slippery middle section of blowing, this part is just supposed to get you used to the rhythm and let your mouth become the most talented pussy of all time, apart from the real one.

My special tip: Again to take notes, look him in the eye. It helps you remember what you are actually doing and with whom. This intense moment can bring you out of the trance that you may already be in. Every guy notices if you are hurrying so that it is finally over and he is calm. It hurts his feelings. A little bit.

There's a point in every blow job that there's no going back. His balls become hard and curl inward. How sweet. You should notice that, because you are still holding it in your left hand. He stiffens and arches his body in your direction and his moans become more tearful and fervent. Now it's getting really easy and rock-hard at the same time. The right hand continues to pump the penis into your mouth and accelerates a bit, but in a controlled manner.

The moans are getting really fanatical now. A vacuum forms between your hand and mouth as you slide it up and down the shaft while sucking your cheeks inward. There's a clear difference between vacuum sealed packaging and just violently sucking the shit out of it. Vacuum is better, the other person just gets cramps.

Now it's so hard that it becomes difficult to hold it completely in your mouth, but just relax your throat muscles and make a deep "aaahhh" sound. Move your hand up and down with surrender. Vary your lip movements, but don't forget to think about the slight vacuum. The right hand pumps and your mouth stays tightly closed with spit wrapped around the wet tail.

You managed. Increase the speed of your hand and mouth again. It should feel like you're pumping the orgasm out of his body. Guys, this is the time to let you know that you are about to shoot down your load, but please drop those rock star airs. Be nice and tender, as if you cry and you don't know why. (Who's the little lap dog here now?)

Your damp hands wrap around your tail and your mouth movements speed up, but with a touch of urgency. Make swallowing movements, press your tongue on the shaft and relax your lips. Moan hard and look forward to the best orgasm you have ever given a man. My special tip: If he's on a never-ending, surreal trip without getting to the point, stop and just let him lend a hand while you suck his balls. That will get him back on track, you can be sure of that.

Spit it out means I like you. Swallow i love you And gargle means you're a sick slut who's likely got loads of STDs. Most guys don't care what happens afterward, but here are a few ways to keep it sexy. If he's into that sort of thing, he might want to get on your face. It's just semen. It has to go somewhere and it's good for your skin. No matter where you go, wipe it up quickly, no one can relax and sleep when the stuff is drying up. My special tip: Press on the area between the anus and scrotum as he cums.

Swallowing is important. It shows a kind of love and acceptance that will pay off for you again during licking, morning sex, and during menstruation. It is easiest if you look up and kneel between his feet, because gravity then holds back the gag reflex for you a little. If it's far enough back, the stuff slips down like a slippery oyster. I put my hand in the fire for that.

If he survived that, he's pretty much done now and in all likelihood on an entirely different level. No chance of getting him back from there. Hold your hand over his penis for a while longer like one of those emergency blankets that paramedics use. Just lie there while he keeps muttering "Unbelievable" to himself and you slide into the land of dreams. This is your lullaby.

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