How do people control you
Obligation to control - this is how you deal with control freaks in your life correctly
The further you move on the path of personal responsibility and in the direction of a self-determined life, the sooner it comes to light: the compulsion to control.
I've often asked myself how exactly the control freaks notice that. Do you have a secret sensor that works when you start getting behind the wheel of your own life? No matter how quiet you are, no matter how careful (and sometimes even silent) you are - they will notice.
Something like how my dog is deeply asleep one second and sitting at its feet the next when I take an English toffee out of the packaging with pointed fingers and ultra-quietly. There could be something for him.
That's how they do it, only in unsweetness.
What is the goal of the Controlletti in your life?
The two primary goals of control freaks are to a) keep you small and b) rise above you. The greater the (subjective!) Distance between you two, the better they feel. Hundreds of examples can already come to mind. The neighbor who dressed you down as a child because you ran down the stairs too loudly, the unsympathetic who jostled at the cash register and scolded the “bad young people”.
Unfortunately, the control freaks who come into your life are not just casual acquaintances, colleagues or people on the street.
Often it is people we love, to whom we look up, parents, siblings, relatives, role models, who let out their control over you. They want "only what is best for you" (because they know that very well, much better than you do) and protect you from mistakes that they have made themselves.
You can recognize the need to control by these 5 characteristics
There are 5 characteristics you can use to identify a control freak and which should cheer for big red beacons in your head when you notice them.
A person with a compulsion to control ...
- corrects others when they are wrong (Typos, pronunciation, details of a past moment, bad habits when someone does something wrong or inappropriate) must always be right
- dominates discussions or wants the last word (often supposedly or actually unable to relate, finds relationships at eye level uncomfortable, is even the "greenest leaf on the tree", the most practical, most logical person in a group)
- does not admit mistakes (no matter how tiny the amount in dispute is, kills yourself because of small mistakes, but does not admit them to others, everything is black and white, shades of gray make you nervous)
- judges or criticizes others (Has incredibly high demands on himself and on others, knows the only right way to do something, everyone else should go that too)
- easily becomes angry monster and is incredibly impatient (This is often shown when driving a car, because the Controlletti does everything right, everyone else automatically does everything wrong, does not realize that his own reckless behavior is in the way of himself and others)
Who pops in your head when you read this? To a boss you once had, your mother or, even more uncomfortable, yourself?
I hope you will be comforted when I tell you that I do not only know these characteristics from people around me. For a long time I was one of the worst control freaks you can imagine.
3 ways how you can deal with control freaks and control freaks
For their imperfection, for their insecurity, for their fear.
I don't mean that you should tolerate everything. Nope, far from what I recommend. But love her. Unconditional love is something that (D) scares a control freak like nothing else, because it questions their entire existence, which is only conditional.
Love them, forgive them for their behavior, have compassion, because the compulsion to control is a terrible burden that they bear.
And then set limits for them. Rigorous.
The obsession of control happens frequently and often unfolds into the hideous monster it is because you approve of its existence. You don't want an argument, you believe that the other person really knows better than you, you don't want to disappoint anyone.
That's bullshit with a very capital B. You're not doing anyone a favor by handing over responsibility for yourself at the gate. Get them back to you.
Speak it up and down
Best of all today. Do not eat your anger any longer, do not let the resentment and frustration grow even bigger.
Formulate your messages as I-messages, non-violent and non-accusatory. Nevertheless, be clear, make it clear to your counterpart what behavior you are referring to, what you will no longer tolerate from now on and also what you want instead.
Getting rid of controlling behavior in yourself
It's painful, but extremely important, to look and admit to your own mistakes (see # 3). Insight and the moment in which you take responsibility are always also a way of healing yourself.
Call yourself out on your own bullshit is called in English, name yourself the bullshit you made. Find yourself doing this when you are about to fall back into old behavior.
You have given the compulsory control a pompous room inside you, in which he has made himself comfortable. There are always two that belong to it. Accept this, but have no more patience with the rebellious teenager who wants to put yourself and others under his thumb. Definitely put him in his place.
In the second step, you can talk to the people you wanted to control. Your partner, your family, your close friends. Confide in them and involve them in the change.
And even more important than anything: love yourself unconditionally. Don't get ready for the "mistakes" you've made. Be good to yourself. You yourself have suffered most from your compulsion to control.
You can let go now.
Make a note of this article now!
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