As a narcissist, can I maintain relationships

Zugerin wrote thrillers about toxic relationships "Loving a narcissist is addicting"

Trump is one. Psychologists agree on this. Even if you argue about whether remote diagnosis is ethically justifiable. "Trump is a textbook narcissist in all his extremes," said Mitja Back, who researches narcissism at the University of Münster, in relation to "Die Zeit".

According to Greek mythology, narcissists are in love with their reflection - and they have two faces. This is also evident in relationships where narcissists look for a suitable counterpart - a co-narcissist.

Chris Oeuvray knows how toxic, degrading and dangerous such relationships can be. The woman from Zug has written a thriller on this subject. She knows all too well what it feels like to be in love with a narcissist. Because she too was in her past.

"You won't be happy with a narcissist"

"I used to attract men who had narcissistic traits," says Oeuvray. "Sometimes very pronounced." She deliberately says “attracted” because she is convinced that it is your own responsibility for which partner you attract in your life.

Whore and saint at the same time, so to speak.
She gave everything. Until exhaustion.
Chris Oeuvray in "Fatally In Love"

Oeuvray found herself in the past in the role of co-narcissist. Made every effort to make the relationship work out. She put her own needs aside. The main thing is that your partner was happy. “I was exhausted, drained and financially ruined,” says Oeuvray. Today she knows: "You cannot have a happy relationship with a narcissist."

Between high and low

Today Oeuvray is happily in a relationship and has a son. Your partnership has nothing to do with narcissism anymore. Thank God. Her thriller is based on a fictional story, as she says. The focus is on Melanie, a successful woman in her 30s. Ronald ensnares her, literally carries her on his hands. Until it gradually tips over. He loads a tracking app onto her cell phone, starts checking her, insulting her. Always more. More and more violent.

She looked at him. "How do you know it's a girl?"
"Because I want a girl."
"What if I would rather have a boy?"
“I always get what I want, you know that.

But why do you tolerate such behavior at all? As Oeuvray explains, there is a high level of addiction in a relationship with a narcissist. "Loving a narcissist is addicting, just like addiction to drugs." So it is not easy to get rid of him either. Statements by others are also useless. That he is not doing her any good. "The addiction is stronger."

Get the thriller here

If you want to read more about narcissism, you can find out more in the thriller "Deadly in love" by Chris Oeuvray. You can order the book here.

The book has 288 pages and costs 35 francs with a personal dedication.

Narcissists destabilize their partner

The narcissist in the relationship destabilizes his partner. Socially, financially, emotionally. Until the partner only has him. He's in control. "He wears down the partner with psychological terror until she no longer has any self-esteem."

Things got worse than she'd feared.
He raged for days.
He berated her for screwing everything up.
She would be stupid, incompetent, incapable, not at all resilient - he left nothing out.

The co-narcissist in the book, Melanie, wants everything to be back to how it was before. He again tells her how much he loves her that she is the only one. You saw, understood and touched yourself again as you felt at the beginning.

Narcissists believe they can do anything with their partner

In her work as a life coach and mental trainer, Oeuvray is repeatedly confronted with the subject of narcissism. "Most of my work with people deals with narcissistic dynamics." Be it because the partner has narcissistic traits or the boss. And also when it comes to domestic violence and femicides: In many cases, Oeuvray expects the partner to have narcissistic tendencies.

Ronald loved the children, but he also wanted a woman by his side who was there for him and spoiled him. He came first.
One morning when Melanie was about to breastfeed the babies in bed, Ronald said, “Forget it. Your breasts are mine. "

Breakups with a narcissist are often bad because he feels like the woman is his. «You have the deep conviction that you have the right to do everything with your partner. You can become a beast. " Depending on how strong these narcissistic tendencies are.

Male co-narcissists? The number of unreported cases is likely to be high

But women can just as easily play the role of narcissist who shamelessly exploits their partner. In the thriller Oeuvrays, too, the mother of the main protagonist Melanie is a narcissist, the father the victim. "But science assumes that 80 percent of men take on the role of narcissist," says Oeuvray. But the number of unreported cases will be high, and the number of men who are co-narcissistic will be much higher. "It's just that men are more ashamed of talking about it."

Or as psychiatrist Pablo Hagemeyer - who specializes in egomaniacs and even describes himself as one - said in an interview with the “Tagesanzeiger”, women also want to assert themselves “and have confirmed their importance.” Only their behavior is less transparent, "not so clearly narcissistic."

She was disgusted with the way she rushed around here as if she were his servant.
She disgusted.

Oeuvray doesn't believe that a narcissist can be happy to be in a relationship with. “Co-narcissists believe they must serve others in order to be of value. You sacrifice yourself for the narcissist. " You define yourself through the role of victim. “The more they feel like victims, the stronger they feel. A vicious circle."

The author who wants the #MeToo effect

Oeuvray wants to encourage others with her thriller. Many of those affected have contacted her recently. Feedback that you finally feel understood. The Zug resident wants to have a voice for all those affected. Others say it shouldn't be taboo to talk about toxic relationships and seek professional help where necessary.

Whether man or woman, a narcissist is empty, unfulfilled, hungry at heart.

"I'm hoping for the #MeToo effect with the thriller," says Oeuvray. "That the subject of toxic relationships can no longer be swept under the rug." Because there are more such relationships than you might think.