How can I fry a feminist teacher

Woman with a child in her arms gets on a bus. “Man, is the child ugly!” Mumbles the bus driver. With tears in her eyes, the woman takes a seat and is promptly approached by a passenger:
"Why are you so sad?"
“Well, the bus driver just insulted my child,” she replies.
"I would not put up with that if I were you," the man encourages her. “Go there and give him your opinion. I'll keep your monkey as long as ... "

Ask Siri: "Why have I been single for so long?"
Siri opens the front camera.

Job offer from an IT security company: “We are looking for a hacker for our security company. You can find the complete list of requirements in the Ha2.zip file on our hard drive C: / Documents / Application / "

Man to the lawyer: "How high is your fee?"
Lawyer: "1,000 euros for 3 questions."
Man: "Really? Isn't that a bit too expensive? "
Lawyer: "Yes, that's right. What is your third question? "

"Waiter, can you take your thumb off my schnitzel, please?"
"So that I can drop it again, or what ?!"

At the registry office: "Do you really want to call your daughter 'Marie', Mr Nierte-Rippchen?"

Stiftung Warentest has tested cutlery ... The knife did the best.

Patient: "Doctor, how much longer do I have to live?"
Doctor: "Ten."
Patient: "How ten? Ten months, weeks, days? "
Doctor: "Nine ..."

I could not believe it. My neighbor actually rang our doorbell at 3 a.m.
I almost fell off the drill.

Two Eskimos go home. One asks the other: “Where is your igloo?
The other is frightened: "Oh no, I left the iron on!"

Sometimes, when I'm bored, go to Asian restaurants and cover the "N" of "Noodle Soup" with a "P".

Fritzchen comes home with a note for her father: "Your son disrupted school this morning."
The next day Fritzchen gives the teacher a note: "My son didn't want to eat the vegetables this afternoon."

The parents find a sadomasochist book in their son's room. “What should we do now?” She asks her husband.
"I think it would be better not to hit him ..."

Call the psychiatric hotline:
“Welcome to our hotline.
If you have compulsions, press 1 several times.
If you're co-dependent, ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6. "

"Your teeth are like Gelsenkirchen and Duisburg." - "Huh?" - "There's still food in between."

Two dogs meet in the park. Asks one:
“My name is Arko from the castle courtyard. And you, are you noble too? "
Says the other:
"Yes, my name is Get off the sofa!"

Chuck Norris doesn't get
Corona.
Corona gets Chuck Norris.

He: "You look good, have you lost weight?"
You: "Did you just call me fat in retrospect?"

"Does your father also ask you to pray before you eat?" "
"No, my mother cooks very well!"

Two people sit in the pub and drink wine. Guest:
"Do you also serve bottles?"
Waiter:
"We basically serve everyone here!"

A man is woken up by a phone call in the patient room.
"Good morning, your attending doctor is here."
"Is everything okay with my values?"
"Not exactly, they are infected with the coronavirus."
"Then do something!"
“Don't worry, we have everything under control. So you were z. B. from now on the pancake diet is prescribed. "
"And that means?"
"Morning, noon and evening - just pancakes."
"And that helps?"
"No idea. But is the only thing that fits through the door slot ... "

"So I should put more fire in my poems?"
“No, no, vice versa”.

Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups. He pushes the earth down.

What's black and hanging on the ceiling? - Bad electrician!

Pedestrian survey in a German city:
“Sir,” asks the reporter, “what do you think is the bigger problem in our society: lack of knowledge or disinterest?”
"I do not know. I don't care either. "

I paint a big X on the forehead of the people who keep asking, "And what's going on?"

A neurotic is someone who builds castles in the air, a mentally ill person who lives in them, and a psychiatrist is someone who collects the rent for them.

A philosopher and a pastor argue about which of the two disciplines they represent should have the higher rank. The pastor mockingly says:
"Philosophy is like someone blindfolded in a dark room looking for a black cat that doesn't even exist."
To which the philosopher answers:
"Theology is like someone blindfolded in a dark room looking for a black cat who is not there and suddenly calls out:
"I have her!…"

Two men meet in heaven. One asks the other:
"What did you die of?"
“I froze to death. And you?"
"I had a heart attack".
"How did that happen?"
“A buddy called me at the office and said my wife was cheating on me. I ran to the car and gave full throttle. Inspected the bedroom, looked under the bed and in the closet - no evidence ... Went down to the kitchen, looked into the basement - nothing again. Then I felt sick and had a heart attack! "
"Idiot," said the other, "if you had looked into the freezer in the kitchen, we could both still be alive!"

Says a man to his friend: "My wife is on a three-week diet."
"And how much has she already lost?"
"Two weeks."

My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.

An Arab oil sheikh stands in a Paris gallery. He says, “I admire Picasso. Nobody has sold his oil as dearly as he did. "

Two men whiz across a lake in a speedboat. Suddenly they knock over a surfer who immediately goes under. One of the men jumps into the water, grabs the drowned man and throws him onto the boat. Then he starts mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Suddenly the other says: "You can stop, this is the wrong one ... this one is still wearing skates."

On a beautiful summer night she sighed: "You, honey, the crickets." He: "But I don't smell anything!"

What are mixed feelings?
When you watch your mother-in-law crash your new, expensive motorcycle head-on against a concrete pillar.

A wife stands in front of the mirror after 30 years of marriage. Turns and looks at himself from all sides and finally says with a big grin: "He deserves that!"

"Well, Eva, did you hear anything from the English student during the tutoring?" Sighs Eva: "I'm afraid so!"

A Coca-Cola representative is admitted to the Pope.
“Your Holiness, I would like to make you an offer,” says the representative to the Pope.
"My company will pay you a million dollars if from now on the priests in the masses say 'Give us our daily coke today'!"
The Pope looks at him blankly and just shakes his head.
The representative:
“We'd also get 100 million
numbers!"
The Pope then turns to his marketing manager and asks:
"How long do we have the contract with the bakery ???"

The realization after the vacation: tanned skin weighs 3 kg more!

The father to the son:
“Congratulations on coming of age, my son. Now you can do what you want until your wedding. "

What if something happens to google and we can't google what happened to google?

On the last day of the apprenticeship, the master of a car workshop explains to his apprentice: “So now you've learned everything! The only thing you still have to practice is to shake your head in horror when you open the hood. "

Why are there three KGB agents traveling?
One can read, one can write and the third keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals!

A zoology student at the exam.
The professor points to a half-covered cage in which only the legs of a bird can be seen.
"Which bird is that?"
"I do not know."
"Your name please."
Then the student pulls up his trouser legs:
"Guess!"

Why are more and more Germans leaving the church?
Because you can't reserve space in heaven with your towel.

Woman to man: "I'll break up!"
He: "Why that ?!"
You: "You make fun of my weight all the time!"
He: "Oh honey, don't be like that now. Take two chairs, sit down with me and we can talk about anything. "

Sabine reads the newspaper.
"You, darling," she says to her husband,
"A person named Rilke actually had the poem printed that you wrote me seven years ago! ..."

"Tell me, dearest, we've been engaged for 15 years, don't you think we should finally get married?"
"You are right, but who is taking us now?"

Theory of relativity explains:
Time goes slower or faster, depending on which side of the bathroom door you are waiting on.

Got another letter from the lawyer today. It says: "Last reminder". It's good that this finally stops ...

A man speaks to a woman in the supermarket:
“You know, I lost my wife here in the supermarket. Now I wonder if you might have a few minutes for me? "
Does she mean:
"And what's that supposed to be good for?"
He replies:
"Well, whenever I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere ..."

Suddenly the climber slips and can barely hold on to a tiny ledge. When his strength fades, he looks up at the sky and asks:
"Is there someone there?"
"Yes."
"What should I do?"
"Fold your hands and say a prayer."
The mountaineer after a moment's thought:
"Is there anyone else?"

"Hello," the electrician says to the patient who is connected to a ventilator, "I have to ask you to take a deep breath."
"Why?" the patient gasps.
"I have to turn off the electricity for a quarter of an hour ..."

There is a knock at the gate of heaven. Peter opens the door and sees a pale man standing outside:
“Hello, I'm the hub,” he says and disappears again.
“What a strange owl”, thinks Peter and leaves.
Half a minute later the man is again at the gate of heaven:
“Hello, I am the hub” and is already gone again.
It goes on like this for five minutes. Then Peter gets too stupid and complains to the boss:
“Sir, what do you think of that? Every half a minute a man knocks on the door, says 'Hello, I am the Hub-' and disappears again. "
God thinks for a moment and then replies:
“Yes, Peter, I know him.
This is Huber Sepp ... he is being reanimated. "

A man is watering his flowers on the balcony and finds a snail. He takes it off and throws it off the balcony. Time goes by and almost a week later the doorbell rings. He opens the door, doesn't see anyone, wants to close the door, then he sees the snail in the hallway and it screams: "Heeee, what was that?"

The other day at a country estate. An English lord sits in the living room of his country house. "James!"

"Yes, my lord ..."

"I'm freezing, how warm is it in here?"

"17 degrees, my Lord"

A few minutes later ... "James!"

"Yes…"

"And outside?"

"4 degrees - sir!"

"James, open the window and let the remaining 4 degrees in! ..."

God created man. Then he created the woman. When he saw what he had done, he took care of the tobacco and alcohol.

Doctor to patient: "Why are you running out of the operating room?"

Patient: “The nurse said: Don't get so upset, this is just a simple appendix operation. You will do it! "

Doctor: "And what's wrong with that?"

Patient: "She didn't say it to me, but to the surgeon ..."

Question to Radio Yerevan: “Is it true that the ruble, the dollar and the pound have the same value?” Answer: “In principle, yes. It's just that the pound of the ruble is worth a dollar. "

Why don't ants go to church?

Because the insects are.

A burglar suddenly hears a voice from the corner in a house at night: "I see you and Jesus sees you too."

The burglar lights up a few corners, but sees nothing and continues:

"I see you and Jesus sees you too."

He shines in the next corner and discovers a parrot there:

"I see you and Jesus sees you too."

The burglar asks the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Matthew."

"That's a strange name for a parrot."

"Yes, and Jesus for a Rottweiler too."

Anyone who has ever believed that women are the weaker sex should try to pull the bedspread over to their side at night.

He: “Mmmh, the mushroom dish was delicious! Where did you get the recipe from? "

You: "From the crime scene ..."

The math teacher says, "The class is so bad at math that I'm sure 90% will fail this year."

A student in the background: "But we're not that many ...!"

The widower to the pastor: "I want to have my wife buried on her stomach."

"Why that?"

"If it seems dead, it digs down ..."

Question: From whom did the children inherit the mind?

Answer: From the father, of course. The mother still has it ...

Inscription on the tombstone of a tensioner:

"Now he's away from the window."

An elderly gentleman goes to the doctor. He asks: "What are you missing?"

He replies: "Oh, my leg, my left leg hurts terribly."

The doctor says: "Well, that's certainly the age."

Then the gentleman: "What nonsense, doctor, my right leg is just as old and it doesn't hurt at all."

“My plate is very damp” complains a guest in the luxury restaurant.

"Be quiet," whispers his wife, "that's the soup ..."

The son asks the father: "What does bigamy mean?"

"Well, if you've married at least one woman too much."

"Then what is monogamy?"

"Actually nothing else either! ..."

Somewhere in Hessian. Every weekend Dieter prays to God: "Please, please let me win the lottery once!"

This goes on for years. Exactly ten years after the first knee fall, the room lights up when Dieter prays. A deep voice sounds from above:

"Dieter, give me a chance and definitely buy yourself a ticket! ..."

If God were a woman ... after the "Let there be light", first of all, "How does it look here?"

An 80-year-old at the doctor: "Doctor, I'm still checking on the young girls!"

"But that's fantastic!"

"... but I don't know why!"

How do you scare a man? You sneak up behind and start throwing rice.

Recently in a posh restaurant: “How did you find the steak?” The waiter asks the guest.

"By chance when I pushed a potato aside ..."

"Please allow me to ask Mr. Frank. Why do you only write the annual financial statements in red? "

"Because we have run out of black ink, sir!"

"Then please buy black ink!"

"I can't do that, sir, then we'll be in the red again!"

In a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. He barks orders, but the recruits show little
Reaction.

“You there”, the sergeant calls out, “the imaginary enemy is advancing, you are caught in the crossfire!”

The recruit takes two steps to one side.

“What are you doing there, man?” Yells the sergeant, red with anger.

The recruit replies calmly: "I'll stand behind an imaginary tree."

How do you know that you are old?

When you go to the pharmacy and the saleswoman asks you if she should wrap the condoms as a present.

Says the government council to its employee: "You would be a great burglar, Meier!"
"Why, boss?"
"Because you don't leave the slightest trace at work ..."

“Questions, nothing but questions, Mr. Judge. Wouldn't it have been better if you had better informed yourself about the case beforehand! "

Two clairvoyants meet. One of them says: "You are fine and how am I?"

"Damn it, my son, now I've been calling you ten times - and you don't hear what will become of you?"

- "Waiter!?"

"It's nice that you are coming", Leo greets his uncle at the door. "Mom only said last night that we were just missing you!"

Two friends chat over beer: "How did your row with your wife go out yesterday?"

"Ha, she came crawling on her knees!"

"And what did she say?"

"You can't stay under the table forever, you coward! ..."

"What was the mood like in the GDR?" - "It was pretty limited."

The teacher demonstrates the effects of alcohol by placing an earthworm in a glass of brandy and a second in a glass of water. After a few seconds, the worm in the schnapps is dead, but the one in the water is still awake. “What do you conclude from this experiment?” The teacher asks the class. Spontaneously, Hansi reports: “Who drinks schnapps has no worms!”.

President: "Do you recognize in the defendant the man who stole your car?"
The witness hesitates: "After the defense counsel's speech, I am no longer sure whether I ever owned a car."

The other day in the fully occupied waiting room at your GP. The nurse calls out:

"For data protection reasons, we are no longer allowed to call you by name - the man with the potency problems, please go to treatment room 2!"

Columbus is the unforgettable role model for all men. He didn't know where he was going, he didn't know where he was, and he did it with a woman's money.

A policeman is standing in the street and is wearing white and black boots. A radio patrol comes and stops.

“Colleague!” Says the driver, “you have a white and a black boot on. Go home and dress properly. "

"I can't do that," says the policeman, "there is only one white and one black boot."

"You don't need to open your mouth that wide," said the dentist.
"Don't you want to drill?"
"Yes, yes, but I'll stay outside."

Question: What is the difference between nasty and mean?
Answer: It is common to give a blind person a movie ticket.
It's nasty when it's a silent film ...

Mother: "Child, why are all your things lying around on the floor?"
Child: "Gravity ..."

Question to Radio Yerevan: "Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communist people?"
Answer: “In principle, yes. They had nothing to wear, no apartment of their own and still believed they were in paradise! "

An Englishman falls into the Spree in Berlin. He shouts “Help me! Help me! "
A Berliner comes by and calls back: "You see, you would have learned to swim instead of English ..."

In the Bundeswehr - first big jump for the conscript paratroopers. The sergeant issues the order of the day on the plane:
“Men, in three minutes you will be jumping. Remember: when you are at 1000 meters, pull the rip cord, the parachute opens. If he doesn't, pull the spare line and the reserve parachute opens. When you've landed, the truck will pick you up! "

So Private Meier jumps, pulls the ripcord at 1000 meters: NOTHING HAPPENS. Then he pulls the spare line: NOTHING HAPPENED

The private: “Typical Bund, nothing works here! I bet the truck isn't there either! "

My friend told me the other day that he had the body of a Greek god. I then explained to him that Buddha is not a Greek god.

At some point the refrigerators get fed up and start a counter-revolution.
They'll pull open the bedroom door in the middle of the night, stare at you stupidly, and then leave.

What do diapers and politicians have in common?
Both should be changed regularly for the same reasons.

When I lost my rifle in the armed forces, they actually billed me 800 euros. Now I understand why the captain of the navy goes down with his ship.

All the children who were the best at hide and seek back then now work in the hardware store.

A vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the farm. He pours out a sack of dust and says: "Anything that my vacuum cleaner doesn't pick up, I'll eat."
Then the farmer's wife: "I'll get you a spoon, because we have no electricity at the moment."

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you have AIDS and Alzheimer's."

Then the patient: "Phew, luckily no AIDS!"

Two construction workers check the soundproofing of a completed house:
- Heinz, do you hear me?
- Stop screaming, I see you ...

Stalking is when a woman and a man take a long romantic walk but only one knows about it.

An elderly lady is sitting with the orthopedic surgeon in the waiting room, next to her is a neo-Nazi. The lady looks him up and down - from his bald head to his combat boots. Then she says to him: "You poor boy, first the chemo and now the orthopedic shoes too!"

The doctors' Christmas wishes never come true because Santa Claus cannot decipher the illegible writing in the letters ...

How many blondes do you need for a chocolate cake?

Five. One makes the batter and four peel the smarties.

In a pharmacy:
- Do you have hair restorers in your range?
- For sure
- Also one that really works?
- In any case. Do you see the advisor behind the counter with the bushy mustache? This is my colleague Julia. She tried to open the bottle with her teeth.

"Well, I'll have the minced beef medallion baked with cheese in dough filling, with fried potato sticks in a spicy tomato sauce." The waiter calls into the kitchen: "One cheeseburger with french fries and ketchup."

What do cannibals call a skeleton?
Empties.

What do you call an overweight vegetarian?
Compost bin.

- Are you two twins?
- No, why do you ask?
- Because your mommy dressed you in exactly the same way.
- That's enough, your driver's license and vehicle documents, please!

"Is that correct?" Asks the plumber, "should there be a burst pipe in this apartment?" “Strange,” says Klepner, “doesn't the Walker family live here?” - “The Walkers? They moved six months ago! ”The craftsman is enraged:“ That's typical again! First they order a craftsman and then pull out head over heels! "

“I'm sorry,” says Petrus to the man in his late thirties at the Gate of Heaven, “but you have to show a good deed, otherwise I can't let you in here.” After thinking for a moment, the man says: “I saw a group of rockers like one wanted to take away the handbag of the old lady. I went there, knocked over the leader's motorcycle, spat in his face and insulted his bride. "-" And when was that? "-" Well, about three or four minutes ago. "

A Frenchman, a Scot and an East Frisian are sentenced to 15 years in prison. Everyone can take something with them into the cell. The French want a beautiful woman, the Scot 200 barrels of whiskey and the East Frisian 2,000 cartons of cigarettes without filters.
When the dungeon doors opened again after 15 years, a group of children came out of the Frenchman's cell.
The Scot fell out of his cell into the corridor, completely drunk.
The East Frisian said:
"Does anyone ever have a fire?"

What do women and hand grenades have in common? If you pull the ring off, your house is gone.

What does Mars have in common with Berlin Airport? The first people should land there in about 30 years.

The other day before a local court. The judge interrogates the accused:
"Where were you on the night in question between 2 and 3 o'clock?"
"In bed!"
"Witnesses?"
"I tried..!"

"Mommy, Mommy, can I swing something with Grandpa?"
"No, it stays like that until the
Police are coming! "

“How long do you have your last one
Work done? "
"12 years."
"Then why were you released?"
"Because of good leadership."

Enjoy your vacation to the full from day one. Take the train.

How do you recognize the exhibitionist in the sauna?
On the coat.

The USA, the Soviet Union and the GDR want to lift the Titanic together. The USA is interested in the gold treasure and the safe with the diamonds. The Soviet Union is interested in technical know-how. And the GDR is interested in the band, which played happy songs until the fall.

I am probably always tired because so many talents lie dormant in me.

"Doctor, I have a bowel movement at 7 a.m. every morning!"
"Yes, but that's very good!"
"But I don't get up until 8 ...!"

Mrs. Bradl bought a new dress. "Do you like it, Michel?"
"It reminds me of water."
"Why, is it so transparent?"
"No, so tasteless."

A boy helps an old nun across the street.
You: Thank you, my little one.
He: No problem. Batman's friends are my friends too.

Two feminists have breakfast, one says to the other: "Give me the salt shaker."

Two pumps meet. One of them asks: “How are you?” - “Normal. And you? "-" Great. "

“Tell me the four elements,” the teacher asks Annemarie.
The girl counts:
"Earth, water, fire and beer."
"Beer? Why beer? ”The teacher wants to know.
"Whenever my father drinks a beer, my mommy says: Now he's back in his element."

A German sits on the train with a Dutchman. After a while the Dutchman opens his rucksack and takes out some apple pits, which he then eats. The German asks: "Excuse me, why are you eating the apple pits?"
The Dutchman: "It makes you more intelligent."
The German: "Do you sell me some?"
The Dutchman: “Of course! 3 pieces for 5 euros. "
The German: "That's okay."
He takes the apple pits and eats them. Ten minutes later he remarks: "For 5 euros I would have got a few apples and had more seeds!"
Then the Dutchman: "You can see it is working!"

If a pregnant woman comes to the bakery: "I get‘ a brown bread. "The baker replies:" Well, your husband will be surprised. "

Two yetis meet. One says: "You, I saw Reinhold Messner yesterday." Then the other: "What, is there really?"

Two men are sitting in the theater, one of them says: "Watch out, now the big monologue is coming." To which the other: "Oh, I hope he won't sit down in front of me."

The phone rings in the hospital.
"Hello, I just wanted to find out how Herr Obermeier from room 546 is doing?"
"Just a moment," says the nurse, "I'll take a look at his medical record ... Well, the break has healed well, the day after tomorrow the cast will be removed, and the sutures will be removed on Friday."
"And when will he be released from the hospital?"
"Next Friday! Tell me, are you a relative of Mr. Obermeier? "
"No, I'm the Obermeier himself, but nobody here tells me anything!"

Question to Radio Yerevan: "Can a good communist also be a good Christian?"
Answer: "In principle yes, but why do you want to make life twice as difficult ..."

A terrorist arrives at Munich Airport. The customs officer asks him to open his suitcase. The terrorist, tired from the long journey, takes a lot of time to open his suitcase. The customs officer becomes impatient and asks: “Yeah, what's now? Hamas? ”Replies the terrorist:“ No, jihad. ”Does the customs officer mean:“ Health. ”

A pretty young lady is sitting alone in the cafe. Then a man comes from the next table and asks: "Excuse me, may I invite you for a drink?"
“What, to the hotel ?!” she yells.
"No, no, I just wanted to take you out for a drink."
“What, into the hotel ?!” it comes back loudly.
Embarrassed, the young man withdraws. After a short time the young lady comes to him.
"Excuse me for the scene from earlier, but I'm studying psychology and examining human behavior in unexpected situations."
The young man looks at her and then screams in horror:
"What, two hundred and fifty euros ?!"

Question to Radio Yerevan: "Can I now eat apples from Chernobyl again?"
"Generally, yes. But then you have to bury the cores in a lead barrel "

A five-ton truck is stuck in the mud. The driver gets out and asks five officers standing next to whether they are going to push him out.
The officers stand behind the five-ton truck and push while the driver accelerates.
When the five-ton truck is out of the mud, one of the officers, who is covered with mud from top to bottom, asks the driver what he has loaded.
"20 recruits ..."

You: "How does the food taste?"
He: "Are you looking for a fight?"

Question: Why is Trump watching the Olympics?
Answer: So that he knows how high the Mexicans jump.

A Swabian spreads manure on the frozen Lake Constance in winter. A Swiss comes along and says: “You may be a fool. In the spring it thaws and your dung sinks into the lake! ”Then the Swabian:“ Shut up, afterwards an Austrian comes who wants to buy the field… ”

An Arab oil sheikh stands in a Paris gallery. He says, “I admire Picasso. Nobody has sold his oil as dearly as he did. "

A car mechanic is received by Peter at the gate of heaven. Indignantly, he says to Peter: “What's that supposed to mean, why am I already here? I'm only 45! "Petrus leafed through his documents and replied:" Hmm, after the hours you have charged your customers, you should actually be 95 ... "

Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Pope, Donald Trump, a school child and the pilot fly on an airplane. Suddenly it threatens to crash, but there are only four parachutes on board. The pilot shouts: “I have a wife and children, they still need me!” He takes a parachute and jumps. Schwarzenegger says: "I'm the greatest actor and star here on board." He also takes a parachute and jumps. Donald Trump says: "I am President of the most powerful country in the world and also the smartest here on board!" It speaks, takes a parachute and jumps.When it is the Pope's turn, he says to the child: “Oh, you know, I'm already old and I'm going to heaven anyway. Save yourself! ”Then the school child:“ It's okay, there are still two parachutes left. Trump jumped with my satchel ... "

What do you call a little man with nine children? Fruit dwarf!

Donald Trump is on his first state visit to Angela Merkel in Berlin. After a bit of small talk, he asks Merkel what the secret of her great success is. Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.
“How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent,” asks Trump.
“Let me demonstrate,” replies Merkel. She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question:
“Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but it's not your brother. Who is it?"
Without hesitation, Schäuble replies: "It's very simple, that's me!"
"You see," says Merkel, "this is how I test the intelligence of the people around me."
Trump flies back enthusiastically. When he got home, he immediately called his Vice Pence to ask him the same question:
“It's your father's son, but it's not your brother. Who is it?"
After a long back and forth, Pence says: "I have no idea, but I'll find out the answer!"
He decides to seek advice from the former president and calls him:
"Mr. Obama - it's her father's son, but is not her brother. Who is it?"
Obama shot it out of the gun: "It's easy, that's me!"
Happy, Pence calls Trump and says triumphantly:
"I have the answer - it's Barack Obama!"
Trump yells at him in total horror: "No, you fool, it's Wolfgang Schäuble!"

Two Austrians meet. One of them asks: “And? Host the driver's license now? "
Says the other: "Well, I am throughgfolln."
The first asks again:
"How do you host dös gschofft?"
Then the other:
"Yeah, I'm at a roundabout kemma, there was a sign gschdandn 30!"
"Yo what?"
"Thu am i 30 Moal ummedum gfohrn."
"Jo, and then?"
"I went through."
Says the first:
"Host you forgot?"

Sometimes I wonder if Chinese have German words tattooed on their bodies.

The son asks his father:
"You papa, I would really like to do bungee jumping, may I?"
The father:
"No, my son, your life began when a rubber tore, it shouldn't end like this now!"

In the early morning a man goes hunting. Once in the forest, it starts to rain and the wind increases. The man decides to turn back. He comes home, undresses, and goes back to bed with his wife.