Why are modern women becoming more and more aloof

My feminism made me unable to relate

Anna *, 27, has quit her job. It is the third part-time job in the last six months. She actually works as a freelance graphic designer, but wants to earn a little extra every now and then. "I've tried a lot, but keep getting into conflict situations with the men around me," Anna says when we meet today. For example with her last boss, the owner of a restaurant. She refused to accept black blouses as women's work clothes.

She got into an argument with another colleague because he asked her to write the dishes of the day on the board in front of the door. Reason: You have a nicer handwriting. “When I think about it today and tell you about it, it may of course be that he just really liked my handwriting. But I don't have this point of view in the situations. ”So Anna quickly became known as a faint-hearted bitch in her old workplaces. Nobody enjoyed working with her.

"My mother taught me pride and self-confidence"

Anna is convinced that she was brought up in a feminist way. She learned early on that as a woman in particular, it is important to stand up for your own rights and fight for them. Even if others think her reaction is exaggerated, Anna says that especially when it comes to equality, there has to be a woman who gets up and says stop. In her environment, it is mostly she who does it.

My mother taught me that I should go through life with pride and confidence. I should always carry my head high enough that my imaginary princess crown could not slide down. "

Anna is proud of her upbringing and of her mother. She grew up without her father, her mother raised her and her brother alone. And to this day she is a role model for the fact that a man is not absolutely necessary to be happy.

[Also at ze.tt: What is a good mother? An 85 year old looks back on her life]

"Women are not born to make men happy"

Some situations were particularly formative for Anna. When she first heard Britney Spears, she was delighted. The song Born to make you happy particularly liked her. She heard him in her nursery, sang along loudly and danced in front of the mirror when her mother stormed in. She turned off the CD player, took Anna aside and explained what Britney was singing: “This is a love song that she sings for a man. And she says she was born to make him happy ”. From her mother's point of view, an absolutely absurd attitude.

You, my dear Anna, were born to make yourself happy. If you then make a man happy, that's great, but that's not your goal in life. "

Anna was twelve years old when she heard the songs of Britney and Co. for the first and last time.

"Today I know: He had a crush on me."

When it came to love, Anna interpreted her mother's upbringing in her own way. It started when she was still at school. When the first little letters with “Do you want to go with me?” Were passed around, Anna got into a conflict. Her mother had always talked about the worth of a woman. However, these notes didn't feel particularly appreciative. Just put a little cross in the box and she should be the boyfriend? That wasn't enough for Anna.

After all, it was Daniel *, a school friend she knew from kindergarten, with whom Anna had her first kiss and first sex. He wanted to hold her hand in first grade and always fought for her attention. "Even though that was years ago, I still remember Daniel caring for me as my mother used to describe the boy who, in her eyes, behaves decently and recognizes my worth."

[Also at ze.tt: Or rather happy: How do you manage to stay together?]

Anna met her second friend Lars * during her studies. It was a great challenge for him. Only after she had flashed him three times on principle and he then showed up a fourth time with flowers in her flat, was he allowed to take her on a first date.

Anna's mother had wanted to encourage her not to make her worth dependent on a man. But that's exactly what happened to Anna. A man had to court her to prove her worth, and so many opportunities for love and intimacy passed unused.

"I believe that every woman is afraid of the slut stamp"

But how does Anna's behavior fit in with her upbringing? Her mother had already laid the first foundations: Anna is proud, fights for equal rights professionally and is self-confident. When it comes to men, however, she has chosen her own interpretation of feminism. The high standards - the man must take care of them - no longer have anything in common with the original term. Today she quickly feels that she is not being true to herself if she gives in to a man too quickly.

There is often a struggle inside me: On the one hand, I know that I don't need a man to be happy because I am basically doing so well. But on the other hand, of course, there is sometimes a longing for closeness. When I am spoken to, I play the aloof because I want to show officially that I don't need it and that I am difficult to get. "

Anna has been single for four years. Your problem when looking for a partner is not only that many men in their generation do not have too much stamina. She has also met men who were shy and also wanted to be conquered. Again and again she fails to establish a connection with them. That makes Anna lonely sometimes. And above all, thoughtful.

"How tragic, isn't it?"

The difficulty for them today is to see for themselves how far they can go while still remaining true to themselves. She imagines a modern woman today as follows: “Women should be proud of themselves and know their worth. You shouldn't allow yourself to be reduced to being a woman and, above all, fight for equality professionally. And that should be the basis. "

[Also at ze.tt: Single women: No luck, no relationship, worthless? Bullshit!]

Even today she would protest against the unfair blouse obligation. But when it comes to love, she wishes to live a little more according to the principle: I am a woman and that is precisely why I take what I want. “I've grown so big that women can live just fine without men. And that you shouldn't be pigeonholed by men. But for some needs I need a man, but simply because he has a penis. This realization doesn't make me any less proud, does it? "

At that point, Anna sighs, she is far from being.