Why should you fear a calm man
Fear of Attachment: Why We Fear Love and What We Can Do About It
Do you know the feeling: You are newly in love, everything is going wonderfully and you couldn't be happier. But at some point you keep coming back to the same point. Suddenly do you withdraw, are bored or break off contact with your partner completely? Or have you fallen head over heels in love with the married man from the office again? Then it is entirely possible that you suffer from attachment anxiety.
We explain to you why people suffer from attachment anxiety, how attachment anxiety can arise and how it manifests itself. But above all we want to know: Can a fear of attachment go away? Can an attachable person love someone for more than six months without feeling the urge to jump in the car and disappear forever?
How do you know if you or someone close to you has an attachment disorder?
Do you keep escaping from a relationship? Are you scared, to allow too much closeness and get involved in an exclusive love affair? Do you ever get to the point that you have your Pushing partner away from you? Or do you even completely boycott entering into a relationship at all? If you have the bulk of these questions with you Yes answered, you are likely to be incapacitated. The good thing is: you are not alone with this. About 20% of people describe themselves as fearful attachment types and cannot enter into a long-term relationship. Another 20% of people would rather avoid a relationship than give up their freedom and independence.
Or maybe you're on the other side. Do you have a friend who keeps falling in love with the wrong man and who is deadly unhappy again after a short time and who complains about her lovesickness? Does your girlfriend withdraw into relationships and suddenly no longer allows closeness? Does she seem indecisive in choosing her partner? Then it is very possible that your girlfriend has an attachment disorder. Talk to her about it in a quiet moment. Maybe she is already aware, but maybe not. Help her deal with her attachment anxiety and offer her the support she needs.
Do you feel like your partner has an attachment anxiety? After the following sections, you will probably be able to empathize with them in order to better understand your fellow human beings with their fear.
Why are you afraid of commitment?
There are many reasons why you suffer from attachment anxiety. Often the cause of a fear of attachment is traced back to childhood. If you are in early childhood Often neglected by your parents at a later point in time, you may find it difficult to To be able to allow emotional closeness. If you were left alone by your parents in threatening situations as a child, this can intensify the fear of attachment that may arise later. You will probably have trouble finding a build deep trust. The consequence of this is that you prefer to hide your own feelings.
Even the early one Loss of a parent can help make you fearful of allowing closeness. In addition to relationship disorders in early childhood, you can past relationshipsthat ended badly lead to a later fear of attachment. Have you been betrayed, lied to, or abandoned overnight for no apparent reason in your relationship? You never want to have to experience this pain that is deep inside you again. Then you'd rather stay alone or only get involved in superficial relationships - anything better than having to feel this emotional pain again.
Perhaps you are now thinking the following: I had a sheltered childhood and my relationships so far have actually all been relatively harmonious - with the exception of the end. And yet I can't have a long-term relationship with the same partner. Why is that? Maybe you love yours freedom just way too much to want to trade them for life together with a partner. You don't want to compromise. You only have one life and you want to live it exactly as YOU imagine it to be.
Or do you sometimes find yourself looking at your partner and thinking: What if someone walks around out there who is even better? Who looks better, has a more toned body and adores you even more? The Afraid of missing out or the search for the perfect partner can also be clues or causes for a fear of attachment.
How does your fear of commitment show?
The fear of a long-term relationship manifests itself in a number of ways. In principle, all forms of relationships are difficult for you. You have many acquaintances around you with whom you can have a good conversation on the surface. But real, long-term friendships that are similar to a partnership are out of the question for you. You attach great importance to your personal freedom. YOU want to decide when and where to fly on vacation. And you decide which apartment you want to move to in which city, whether you get a pet or quit your job in the next month in order to emigrate to a foreign country and start a completely new life.
If your current partner is on the subject Wedding or children want to speak, you start to sweat, have a racing heart and panic and would like to sink into the ground. Because you haven't even introduced your partner to your friends or relatives. The relationship doesn't last anyway. Then why dare to take the step of introducing him to someone. When the relationship is over - and it will be - all you have to do is explain to everyone again why you're single again.
And while we're at it: Your partner is far from perfect. Actually, he makes more and more mistakes, or you become more and more aware of the mistakes. Do you fight a lot? Do you enjoy arguing? A harmonious relationship cannot be real either. Then the partner is hiding something from you and ... actually you can break up straight away.
He wants to hold your hand while going for a walk? That doesn't work for you, you prefer to need distance. And actually he's really a boring guy. And then it always runs according to the same scheme. Until you get to the point and say to yourself: Before another relationship fails, I'd rather not enter into one at all.
Our book tip:
Understand and overcome fear of attachment:
Why men and women suffer from relationship anxiety and what you can do as a victim or partner
Available on Amazon
How can you overcome the fear of attachment?
The good thing first: You can overcome your fear of commitment. Yes, it's possible. But it takes a lot of work and above all it takes one thing: time. It is primarily important that you accept the fear of attachment. Keep reminding yourself: It's okay to make mistakes. This applies to you as well as to your partner.
Get the Support from your partner. Talk to him when you're ready to open up and talk about your fear. There is no right and no wrong. Can your partner be patient, is he understanding and prudent? Then he is the right person to talk to about your feelings and your inner conflicts. He'll understand.
And if not, find another one Confidant. This can be someone from your immediate environment, relatives, acquaintances or as part of a therapy. In Therapy sessions you can work through possible traumatic experiences from childhood and understand them and thus close them. Ideally, you'll find out why you have an attachment disorder and learn to deal with it. That too can take a long time, stay tuned.
Build yourself no pressure up and try to face your fears. Have not afraid of relapse. Nobody has the guarantee that they will never be hurt again. Everyone is faced with losses and struggles with them. It applies that to break previous patterns of action and to learn new rules of conduct.
If you get to the point where you want to flee and end the relationship, resist the thought for a while. Try to find out if you have fallen back into old patterns or if there is a really valid reason to end the relationship. Communication between you and your partner is extremely important. Explain to your partner where your personal limits are and try to learn from your situation together. This strengthens the relationship and creates important trust. Trust yourself. Trust that you can overcome fear.
Photo: detailblick-foto / stock.adobe.com
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